Narcissists don’t want equality. They want compliance. And people to facilitate them with things THEY want. Your wants and needs are minor inconveniences, which need to be overcome.
With this in mind, it’s not surprising that narcissists deny people choices. Because they might choose something “wrong”. Which actually means something the narcissist doesn’t want. Free will is too inconvenient for them!
If you’ve been close to a narcissist, you’ve probably felt a lack of choice. And found yourself doing everything they want. Even when you don’t really want to.
You might go to concerts to see bands you don’t like. Socialise in places you wouldn’t normally go. And spend time with them, when you’d rather have a quiet night alone.
But when you ask them to do something for you – forget it. All the excuses come out. And they’re never interested.
This creates a one-way relationship. Where you do everything they want. And they do nothing in return. And eventually you learn to do as you’re told. And not ask anything in return.
One of the ways narcissists achieve this is by giving you no choice. And forcing their wants and needs onto you. Here’s several ways they do it…
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Narcissists Put You On The Spot
Narcissists don’t gently sound out whether you’re interested in something. And work out whether it’s worth asking. They take the bull by the horns and ask outright. Usually with no warning.
Narcissists “ask” in a way that feels uncomfortable saying no. Putting you on the spot. Perhaps you’ve felt this?
They may say, “Would you like to come with me to the Bruce Springsteen concert next Saturday?” Wording it in a way that means you’re rejecting them, not Bruce, if you say no.
Narcissists ask very directly. Often staring you straight in the eye. Because they want you to feel uncomfortable, and even intimidated. Then you’re more likely to say yes. They don’t ask in a permissive way, where they invite you to say no if it’s not your thing.
Instead, if you say no, they usually demand a reason. And they want this reason so they can destroy it.
Tear Down Your “Excuses”
Narcissists treat your reasons for non-compliance with deep suspicion. No matter what you say.
If you’re ill, they may accuse you of being a hypochondriac. As if you’re making it up.
If you say it’s not your thing, they may ridicule you. Demanding to know how you can possibly NOT like Brucie. What’s wrong with you?!
If you say you’re busy, they demand to know what with. Then suggest you cancel it, no matter how important it is to you.
Narcissists make it difficult to explain why you don’t want to do something, for two reasons. The first is to get you to change your mind. The second is to make you think twice next time you’re considering saying no. Because they push you into a position where saying no is a lot of hassle.
Narcissists Punish For Saying No
Narcissists often punish people for defying them. And they do this in a variety of ways.
They may accuse you of falling out with them. And ghost you for a while. Ridicule you in front of others. Or get angry, claiming you always have excuses.
The narcissist hopes to push you onto the back foot. And make you change your mind. But even if you don’t change your mind, it sets their stall out. And shows you the consequences of say no in the future.
Narcissists Emotional Blackmail
Narcissists often use emotional blackmail to get their way. They might have turned down your birthday last week. But are deeply offended that you’re turning your back on a friend on a Friday night.
Narcissists often paint a picture that your non-compliance means you don’t like them. Or you’ve fallen out with them. And they hope to bait you into proving your innocence. And what better proof is there than to comply with their demands?!
A narcissist may also use emotional blackmail by playing the victim. They may exaggerate or make up a problem. Then act upset about it.
Once you console them, they ask for something. Or strongly hint at it. And who’s hard-nosed enough to say no to a “friend in need”?
Narcissists Turn Up At Your Door
Some narcissists gain compliance by turning up unannounced. With a plan of what you’re both doing for the evening.
The narcissist knows you feel rude turning them away. Which is why they didn’t call or message in advance.
With their foot planted firmly in your door, they can work on you directly. Because you can’t ignore them when they’re stood in front of you. And you feel more obliged to say yes, now they’re here.
“Ask” In Commands
Rather than ask, narcissists may tell you what you’re doing. Like a hard sales rep.
The narcissist may act like your agreement is a foregone conclusion. And head straight to the negotiation table for the plans ahead. Cash or card?!
The narcissist may for example talk about a concert on Friday night, then ask, “Shall I pick you up at 7?” Or if they’re pushing things more, tell you, “I’ll pick you up at 7”.
The narcissist knows it’s difficult to say no once they’ve told you the plans. And acted like they’re a foregone conclusion. Because that would mean meeting them head-to-head. And challenging them. And most people naturally avoid conflict.
If you do turn them down, this gives the narcissist the chance to act offended and play the victim. And hopefully guilt you into compliance. And if not, they can throw this in your face in the future, if you ever turn them down again. “You always say no”.
Give You Something
If the narcissist REALLY wants something, then they might give you something first. Or do you a favour. Then quickly ask for something in return.
The narcissist knows this makes you feel obliged to say yes. Even if you didn’t want what they gave you.
The narcissist sees their favour as a small price to pay for the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is your continued compliance.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists try different tactics to gain compliance. And once they’ve found the one that works best with you, they rinse and repeat.
Narcissist often get people into the habit of doing as they’re told. As they gradually increase their demands over time. Whilst gradually reducing what they give back. Eventually you’re accustomed to doing everything they want, for nothing in return.
However, these one-sided relationships cause them to miss out on genuine friendships and relationships. Because they’re too self absorbed and focussed on themselves. And never fully appreciate the individual stood before them.
Narcissists don’t deeply connect with people. They can’t. Because their focus is too much on themselves, and what they can extract. This causes them to lead lonely and isolated lives. Even when surrounded by people they’re known for years.
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