Whilst they’re not infallible, many narcissists get away with numerous affairs. Some of these affairs go completely undiscovered. Some are suspected. And a few go unchallenged, despite their partners knowing.

People who’ve never been in a relationship with a narcissist might be confused as to why someone would put up with this. But as usual, things aren’t straight forward when you’re dealing with narcissists.

Narcissists have many methods which help them get away with affairs. And often it’s a combination of these tactics that allows them to get away with it.

Here’s how narcissists get away with affairs…

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Denial

Perhaps the narcissists most effective strategy is denial. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Most people hold their hands up once they’ve been rumbled. And in some ways feel a sense of relief when their secret is out in the open. But narcissists are often dogged in their defence. And deny their affairs till the end of time.

Their continual denials are a tough nut to crack. Because it leaves a shred of doubt in your mind. You might be 95% sure. But what about the other 5%?

Most conscientious people don’t want to end a relationship without being sure. Especially if there’s children at stake. So they’re often willing to give the benefit of the doubt.

Definitively catching someone cheating usually requires an admission. Because unless you actually catch them in the act, it’s difficult to conclusive prove.

Marks on clothing or flirty text messages are often explained away. And whilst their explanations may seem far fetched, they still leave an element of doubt. And often that’s enough to get away with it.

Prepping

Many narcissists get away with affairs by prepping their partners. They do this by continually expressing their revulsion of cheating. And they go to town judging anyone who’s unfaithful.

Years of this convinces their partners that they’re the last person on Earth who’d cheat. Because they don’t realise that the narcissist has been manipulating them for years.

It’s not surprising this tactic works so well. What normally thinking person would pre-empt their affairs, and spend years convincing their partner that they’re dead against cheating?

Lying

Most narcissists are skilled liars, as they’ve had a life time of practice. And they have no emotional empathy. So they don’t show signs of guilt when they’re lying. And they certainly don’t break down and confess because they feel guilty.

Most narcissists can look you in the eye and lie. Without their heart skipping a beat. And this makes them extremely convincing. Again leaving doubt in your mind.

Gaslighting

Years of being on the receiving end of gaslighting takes it toll. Leaving you unable to trust your own perceptions.

Narcissists are usually dishonest about many things. Yet find ways to talk themselves out of it. And this gets you accustomed to thinking your intuition must be “wrong”. So you learn to ignore it.

Narcissists also specifically challenge their partners perceptions. They may convince you that you have a poor memory. So when things don’t add up, you doubt that you remembered things properly. Or they might convince you that you’re paranoid and always jumping to conclusions.

Partners of narcissists often know deep down they’re cheating. But they get used to ignoring their gut feelings and carrying on.

Flying Monkeys

Narcissists often have teams of flying monkeys who enable their narcissistic behaviours. And will do their dirty work.

These flying monkeys may provide alibis. Lie for the narcissist. And know when to keep their mouths shut.

Narcissists use these flying monkeys to convince you they’re innocent. And when it’s several people against one, it can prove a convincing case.

Power Inequality

Narcissists like to create power inequalities in their relationships. They may convince their partners to give up work. Move to an area where they don’t know anyone. And to top it off, they erode their self esteem with continual put downs.

This leaves their partners needing the narcissist. Or at least they think they do. So when they suspect an affair, they feel powerless to act. Because they can’t imagine life without the narcissist.

Children

Sharing children also allows narcissists to get away with affairs. Because if you catch them or have your suspicions, it’s not just your future that’s on the line.

This can make their partners think twice before calling them out. And disrupting the family unit. And you can bet that the narcissist plays on this.

That’s why it’s common for narcissists to cheat soon after the arrival of a baby. And sometimes during pregnancy. Because in the narcissists mind, they have more power now there’s a child in the equation. And they know you’re keen to keep the family unit together.

Drive You To Cheating

Being in a long term relationship with a narcissist can feel cold and barren. They rarely do the little things that show their love. They never consider your needs and wants. And you can’t rely on them for emotional support – or any support for that matter.

The narcissist may offer little or no affection. And may even withhold sex.

Years of this starves you. And when someone else shows you what you’re missing, it’s mighty tempting.

But because you have emotional empathy, you feel guilty for any indiscretion you’ve ever had. Even thoughts and fantasies. And this guilt can eat away at you. And not wanting to be a hypocrite, it can cause their partners to turn a blind eye to their affairs.

Blame Shifting

Even if you get through all these barriers, the narcissist still has one last trick up their sleeve. Blame shifting.

The narcissist finds ways to blame you for their affair. Usually vague and wishy washy and excuses. Such as “You didn’t love me enough”, or “your complaining drove me to it”.

Narcissists hope that you buy their vague blame shifting, and forgive them. Because this hands them ultimate power.

Once they have you feeling responsible for their affair, they can roll out these same excuses whenever you catch them out. Which makes them bullet proof.

And because they’re non specific, it’s impossible to work on them and improve. Or to know whether you’re actually doing these things.

In the meantime, the narcissist continues their narcissistic behaviours unchallenged. Because any complaint may be deemed a reason to have an affair. Which in their world, you asked for.

Final Thoughts

Sadly, many narcissists put their partners through hell with their infidelities. All because of their selfishness.

Narcissists don’t want to be free and single. They want someone who’s guaranteed to be there for them. And who gives them attention and favours on demand.

But they also don’t want to be stuck in a limiting relationship. Where they have to abide by relationship conventions. And heaven forbid, remain monogamous. They want the best of both worlds.

So narcissists lure in a primary partner. And pretend to be their loving spouse. Whilst slyly doing whatever they please. And whilst this might be a good arrangement for them. It certainly isn’t good for you.

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