It’s no secret that narcissists have little emotional empathy. That means they don’t feel for others.
If you have a bereavement, the narcissist doesn’t feel your pain. If they wrong you, they don’t lay awake at night feeling guilty for the pain they’ve caused.
However most narcissists, particularly covert narcissists, become experts at faking emotional empathy. They do this to fit in. And to fool people into thinking they’re more caring than they are.
Narcissists thrive on attention and adoration. They know that people will avoid them like the plague if they knew how little empathy they have. Faking empathy helps them draw attention and admirers, which is their life blood.
Faking empathy can also be used for manipulation. So there’s plenty of incentives for narcissists to do this.
Some narcissists become so good at faking empathy, they fool close family and friends for years. Here’s how narcissists fake empathy…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Cognitive Empathy
Although they don’t have much emotional empathy, narcissists do possess cognitive empathy. This is where they logically understand how others feel. They don’t experience shared feelings, but they learn to predict them.
A narcissist may learn that mourners are upset over losing a loved one. They’ve seen this situation before. And understand that people are sad when loved ones die.
Narcissists learn what people say in these moments, and spit them out as their own dialogue. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The narcissist doesn’t actually feel sorry for the loss. But they understand that this is the thing to say.
In fact many narcissists enjoy going to funerals. Partly because they get to dress up and parade in front of many people. But also because empathy is easy to fake at funerals.
It’s obvious that a funeral is a solemn occasion. Narcissists know to bow their head and look serious. And regurgitate the usual lines. Then bask in the glory when people thank them for their kind words.
In less familiar circumstances, narcissists are more likely to make mistakes. If they haven’t learnt the appropriate responses, then they’re left up the river without a paddle. They don’t have the intuitive emotional empathy most of us have to draw on.
This can cause them to make seemingly “uncharacteristic” faux pas. And say something inappropriate or insensitive. Their cognitive empathy is less adaptable than emotional empathy when it comes to new situations.
Mirror
Narcissists often target highly empathetic people into their lives. Empathic people are usually easier to control, because they can be guilted into conformity. But they also provide valuable material for the narcissist.
Narcissists often copy or mirror empathetic people. They learn the empathetic things they say. And even copy their mannerisms.
Narcissists essentially steal empathetic character traits from those around them. And pass them off as their own. Some become extremely convincing, because it’s their life’s work.
Hone Their Acting Skills
Narcissists often make good actors. And it’s no accident that many actors are narcissists.
Narcissists have no core self, because they’ve distanced themselves from their emotions. So they spend years mirroring people, and adopting different personas.
Narcissists often change their personality, depending on who’s around them, and what they want to achieve. They may play the empathetic caring person at work, if it furthers their agenda. But are the obnoxious bully at home.
Some narcissists can cry on demand, which is a great tool for manipulation. And it also creates the impression they have high levels of empathy.
Most of a narcissist’s life is an act. And with their vast acting experience, faking emotional empathy is a cinch.
Associate With Empathic Pursuits
Some narcissists create an impression they’re empathetic by associating themselves with empathetic pursuits. They may for example become involved in charity or religion. But their heart’s not really in it.
Narcissists make sure as many people as possible learn about their involvements. Because they’re looking to gain kudos, rather than make a difference.
Narcissists use these empathetic pursuits to create the impression they have empathy. And it’s easy to assume that someone fund raising for the animal shelter is a caring person.
But this same “animal lover” may neglect their own pets, when no one’s around. Because it’s all just a means to an end.
Religious narcissists are notorious for their hypocrisies. They use religion to gain status, and to control those close to them. But secretly ignore the doctrines when no one’s looking.
Rely On Our Assumptions
It’s natural to assume that others think the same way as ourselves. And since narcissists usually surround themselves with empathetic people, they assume the narcissist also has empathy.
Most people have no awareness of narcissism, and what it actually is. And don’t realise that some people don’t possess emotional empathy. So it’s not on their radar.
When someone displays a lack of empathy, most people make excuses for them. Especially if they’re close to the narcissist.
They might conclude that they care deep down, but don’t know how to express it. Or that they’re under a lot of stress. Or they’re misunderstood.
Social Media
Social media is a great place for narcissists to fake empathy. They can broadcast their righteous messages to a large audience. Getting the word out about all their supposed empathetic thoughts and beliefs.
And the beauty of social media is they can talk the talk, without having to walk the walk. They may sign petitions, publish caring messages, and share touchy feely articles they’ve not even bothered to read.
Narcissists can also broadcast any good deeds they’ve done, whether real or made up. And slip them into their posts. “I was on my way to the homeless shelter when I bumped into…”
“Righteous Causes”
Narcissists often fake empathy to fit in. But they also fake empathy to manipulate others. Typically they pretend to have a righteous cause they’re fighting. But use it as a smokescreen for more selfish agendas.
They might for example hold a grudge against someone at work. So they wait until they make a mistake, then pounce all over it. Then make a HUGE deal over the morality of this persons’ actions.
Most people believe the narcissist is acting in good faith. And may even join their supposed fight. But narcissists rarely put their energy into something that doesn’t benefit themselves. And this fools people who either don’t know the person is a narcissist, or don’t understand what narcissism is. And sadly that’s most people.
If a narcissist is fighting an injustice for others, or helping a cause that’s not themselves, always question what’s in it for them. It might just be a vehicle to enhance their public image, and give the impression they have empathy. Or it might be something more sinister.
Final Thoughts
Some narcissists are masters at faking empathy. It’s their life’s work. And they use it to get what they want.
If you know someone’s a genuine narcissist, then you have an advantage. You know that anything emotionally empathetic they say is not true.
They may for example ask for someone’s telephone number because they’re worried about them. But a narcissist doesn’t worry about anyone but themselves. So there must be another reason why they want it.
Understanding a narcissists’ lack of emotional empathy helps you predict what they’re really up to. Are they trying to make you believe they’re a caring person for kudos? Or are they up to something else?
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