Narcissists are masters of disguise. But despite their disordered personalities, many lead fairly regular lives. And lots go undiagnosed.
From a young age, narcissists create fake personas to detach from their emotions. They keep their real emotions locked away, safe from harm. But this comes at a price. Their emotional development.
Narcissists empathy becomes impaired. So they don’t “feel” others pain.
Narcissists don’t learn to intuitively understand emotional situations involving others. Because they’re not connected to their own. In order to fit in, they fake neuro-typical emotions and behaviours.
Narcissists spend a lifetime mimicking emotions and feelings. They become so skilled, they fool close ones for years.
Most let their masks slip from time to time. Especially with those closest to them. And reveal their volatile, emotionally underdeveloped selves.
Narcissists fake normal emotions when their mask is on. And they fake reasons to justify their behaviours when their mask slips.
Here’s some ways I’ve noticed narcissists fake being “normal” when their mask is on, and when it slips…
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Narcissists Are Master Actors
Narcissists are master actors. They spend years developing their false self from a young age. Their false self is all the things they want to be. Brilliant, intelligent, assertive, funny, successful etc. An unrealistic picture of perfection.
They work hard to create this persona to convince themselves and others this is who they are. So acting becomes second nature.
Narcissists learn to fake emotions at the drop of a hat. Cry on demand. Laugh when they don’t get the joke. And act warm and kind to get what they want.
Narcissists don’t FEEL these emotions. But through Oscar winning performances, it appears they do. They’re actors, and the whole world is their stage.
Narcissists Fake Empathy
Narcissists have little emotional empathy. But with their acting skills, they fake them well.
Narcissists learn “cognitive empathy”. This is how they SHOULD feel in certain circumstances.
They learn they should feel sad at funerals, so they fake tears. They learn you’re happy when you land a new job, so they mirror your happiness back to you. They learn to cry with joy at the birth of a new child. Narcissists learn all this and more. But feel nothing.
And because their “emotions” are learnt, they make mistakes. Especially in unfamiliar circumstances where they haven’t yet learned how to act.
A narcissist might laugh when you fail your driving test. Oblivious this upsets you. Or anger when you’re mourning the anniversary of a death. “You need to get over it.”
Sometimes they don’t fake their emotions long enough. And this is a dead giveaway. They might act sad when hearing your terrible news, then laugh and joke moments later.
Mirror
Narcissists often mirror other peoples behaviours, words, and mannerisms to appear more normal. Especially those of high status.
Narcissists copy opinions word for word. And pass them off as their own. They may copy the clothes people wear. Their hairstyles. Their demeanour.
Narcissists pretend to share your interests. Especially at the beginning of a friendship or relationship. This is to draw you in. To get you to like them, admire, and fall for them.
Narcissists are a shell of a person. They plagiarise their “personalities” from others. And become a convincing walking-talking forgery.
Virtue Signal
Narcissists find many ways to virtue signal. So they can show how “caring” they are.
They may work in a caring profession. Such as medicine or teaching. Or volunteer for charities.
They may share content on social media that’s associated with helping others. Even though they don’t care to read it.
This creates the impression that they’re good people. Even though anything “good” they do, has an ulterior motive.
Happy Families
Some narcissists work hard to create the public perception they have a normally functioning happy family. Even though it’s anything but.
Narcissists care more about their family life appearing good to others, than on it actually being that way. Because it allows them to hide behind family life. Which is associated with normally functioning people.
Disguise Their True Intentions
As narcissists become more experienced, they’re more sophisticated when disguising their narcissistic behaviours.
Instead of having a go at someone for childish reasons, they fake a more normal motive. They might wait for them to do something “wrong”, then pounce on it as an excuse to go to war. Or invent a reason that justifies their behaviour.
Narcissists often have a “cause” they’re fighting for. In the workplace it might be against a boss who’s made an unfair decision. But their real motive is they want their job.
Drink Or Take Drugs
Many narcissists turn to drink and drugs. As well as making them feel awesome, drink and drugs serve another purpose. It disguises their behaviour.
Narcissists have more license to behave narcissistically when under the influence. People assume it’s the “drink talking”. Or the drugs. So it appears more normal.
When under the influence, they allow their mask to slip. Either intentionally or non intentionally. And act obnoxious and uncaring. People assume they’re a “bad drunk”, and don’t judge them too harshly.
And if they’re surrounded by others also under the influence, they might not even notice!
Provide A False Narrative
Narcissists provide a false narrative of what’s going on. And convince others their behaviour is normal.
Say their mask slipped and they’re stroppy with a waiter for no reason. They may lie, saying he provoked them in some way. “Did you see how he looked at me?” Or state they felt unwell.
With a plausible explanation, you’re no longer scratching your head wondering why they behaved so unreasonably. This throws you off the scent.
Narcissists Re Write History
Narcissists often rewrite history. And make themselves out to have acted more normally in the past.
I remember soon after moving in with my ex, she would have a go at me for not doing housework, even though I clearly did more than her. Years later she spoke about how patient she was with me because she understood I wasn’t used to living away from my parents. That’s not what I remembered!
Call YOU Crazy
Narcissists often call their nearest and dearest “crazy”. Say what a bad memory you have. Or accuse you of being jealous.
This gets you doubting your take on reality. And once you doubt your take on reality, their narcissistic behaviours fly under the radar.
Your gut might tell you something’s wrong with their behaviour. But you conclude, “It’s probably me being jealous again.” Or whatever line they feed you. And they get away scot-free.
Narcissists Fake Acts Of Kindness
When narcissists fear people are on to them, they pull a random act of kindness out the bag. They might buy an expensive gift. Clean the house. Or be nice to someone they’re normally hostile with.
These acts aren’t from their heart. They’re a means to an end.
They want as many people as possible to see what a great person they are. And receive a free pass for all their previous wrongs.
Narcissists don’t want to be alone. And they understand they have to do something nice every now and then to keep people around them.
When a narcissist does something kind or giving, it’s always in full view of as many people as possible. They want maximum credit for anything nice they do.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are damaged and dysfunctional people. They lock away their emotions for protection. And learn to fake them instead. And whilst they do a great job, it’s difficult to get right all the time.
It’s draining keeping up the charade. So their mask inevitably slips. Especially around those they’re close to.
When their mask slips, their underdeveloped emotional selves bubble to the surface. And craziness ensues.
That’s why narcissists are sometimes “uncharacteristically” cold and selfish. They either don’t understand what’s happening on an emotional level. Or their mask has slipped.
You can be fooled into thinking their narcissistic behaviours are out of character. But really it’s who they are.
Their personalities are disordered. They can fake “normality” some of the time. But they make mistakes. And every now and then their mask slips, and their real selves take centre stage.
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I’m thinking that fake empathy would look something like this:-
“I understand you why you would feel this way…”, or “I understand where you’re coming from BUT…”. There always is a “but”. And after it there are several plausible (at least to them) reasons why their needs should take precedence over yours. And they will continue to push their point for as long as it takes to wear you down.
“I understand where you’re coming from but my needs are more important”. Not that they’d come right out and say it.
Fake acts of kindness is another one which isn’t too difficult to spot. Simply add up how many acts of kindness they do and compare it to how many times they “ask” for favors from you (because they don’t like it when you say no). It doesn’t take a math genius to spot the imbalance. Another clue is that when they do something for you that they’d like you to do for them, rather than thinking about what you would prefer. Although that would be the mark of a less skilled narcissistic.
Excellent read. Thank you.
My narcissistic father’s mask slipped one night. My mother had fallen into a coma, and I got a.call that I had to come to the hospital to say goodbye.
I ran into the emergency room and my father laughed at how upset I was.
I yelled at him and he put his mask back on.
you are talking about my ex-brother, mix it up with adhd and you have a really bad person
Try BPD and NPD rolled into one person that’s my husband 23 years I thought I was losing my mind. From my NARC telling me his affair was my fault because I wasn’t meeting his needs(sex 4-5 daily) or he hurt me because I made him do it. After years of my own therapy I can see what a very sick man he is. I don’t feel sorry for him. I have reclaimed ME started setting healthy boundaries (he’s pissed) I no longer allow his shit to stick to me. I live a very healthy and full life with friends (he never meets my friends).
That was a well written piece. However I hesitate to paint “narcissism” with such a broad brush. I don’t disagree with most of your comments. But what you expressed were the characteristics of a “textbook” narcissist with each and every sign. The problem is traumatic life events can lead to a person developing some of the same traits. The majority will realize this and will seek help from a professional or from the people close to them, if they have that type of support system. Unfortunately many people don’t.
As I said, I’m not taking anything away from what you said at all. I just don’t want people to go through life diagnosing people with certain disorders and writing them off. The fact is these behaviors could be a Misguided cry for help.
That said it is a good thing to know so you can recognize it if you come across a true narcissist. Only Long intense professional psychological Intervention can help a narcissist which fails a lot of the time as well. This is not me taking up for them in any way. My concern is for the people that have issues they just don’t know how to handle getting put in the same basket.
I’m a retired Army Ranger medic and was severely wounded twice. I suffered a severe traumatic brain injury the second time in Afghanistan. It completely changed my personality in many ways. Due to embarrassment or one of many other reasons, It was very hard for me to confront my issues and reach our to someone for help before I lost my family.
Anyway thanks for writing that. It did make me think a bit and led me to make my first ever comment on an article.
Thanks for your comment Brandon. Yes there is a danger of some people doing their own “diagnosis” of NPD on people who don’t actually suffer from it. But I think it’s ultimately for the best to have as much information about it out there as possible.
Many experts in the field suggest there may be as many as 5-7% of the population who are diagnosed with NPD. Which is a lot of people! And it’s a lot of people that can cause others harm. Since I’ve learned more about it, I feel confident I’m less likely to be a victim of it (again!). I’m hoping the same if true for others who read up on it.
I don’t advocate hate towards them. In fact there are some techniques that can be used to help you get along with them better. Such as described here – http://narcissisms.com/how-to-get-the-best-out-a-narcissist/
Sorry to hear about your brain injury Brandon. I hope you’re now getting the help you need.
Thank you sir. I tried my best not to come across as argumentative. That’s one of those topics that people who have effected can be defensive over, with good reason. So I’m glad i was able to make my point properly.
I will share this with you, the Special Operations community has become unbelievable with the ways they use the inner workings of a soldiers personality.
I went through a tier one accessment and selection process for “the unit” so can only speak about my experience. But for today’s type of warfare which is unconventional to say the least as well as never ending it takes a certain psychological makeup to operate in these type of small units. Though unbelievable physical conditioning is a must, these courses where you are assessed are more about how we use our minds when faced with Impossible tasks after our bodies have been completely destroyed, and we have had no food or rest for days. I definitely learned that when your body is at its stopping point and you feel like another step will kill you, you’ve actually only used all that you “thought” you had in the tank. Your mind can get another 60-70% out of you if managed properly.
So delta force is not usually full of the big tough, muscle heads that Hollywood portrays.
This is how I would describe it, During the assessment phase they are looking for the guys that Display a little of all of the “psychological disorders” when faced with what’s in front of them.
A little narcissistic, a little sociopath with a sprinkle of psychopath, and even some egomaniacal Type A of course. I’m not saying the Soldiers have these things, but You’re put in situations that will absolutely bring those traits to the surface. How you handle the task from that point is what they want to see.
I know I have been in situations where within seconds of meeting a person, i had to know with a doubt if he was or wasn’t a threat, while also seeing through whatever game he was playing to hide his true intent, which could be to trigger a suicide bomb as I shake his hand. This has to be done while maintaining composure and never showing the possible enemy combatant that I am fully ready to react with quick and deadly effectiveness to any threat and also ready to conduct the meeting or whatever the original plan was. So I was a master of manipulation but used it in ways that kept my guys and myself alive while also completing our mission.
Anyway. I’m not sure why I felt like sharing that. I could go in more detail but will spare u. I completed 2 post graduate degrees while on active duty so have always been a knowledge seeker. The way our mind works and how certain military units have learned to tap into certain areas to train average guys like me to accomplish things that shouldn’t be possible has amazed me.
Yes Brandon, the topic of narcissism can definitely get emotions going. I’ve been watching some David Goggins videos recently on YouTube. He’s a former SAS. And he was saying the same thing – when you think you’re done, you’re only 40% done. He might be worth you checking out, if you haven’t already.
The human mind is fascinating. I liken it to a tool. You have to learn how to get the best out of it.
I can well imagine the mental side is much more important than the physical side. It’s no use being big and strong if you fold under pressure. Thanks for sharing your story Brandon!
I often wonder if my husbands narcissist behavior is the result of a major head injury. I don’t know to much about his past, but I was told he treated the mother of his sons like an appliance in the house.
His second relationship was loveless after a few years, he drank, worked steady to support a women and her daughters sometimes ignoring his sons needs, allowing the woman to take charge of decisions made, always favoring her daughters.
He felt his boys were young men and didn’t care what he did for her. They told me she was a monster, and used their dad for his money. He never paid personal attention to her or their mom.
Now we met I’m in love, he had the accident. I feel he is a true narcissist, love mob and all. Now he’s cold, indifferent to my feelings, my happiness and excitement will only last a day or so, he destroys that happiness with hurtful words, non-interest, anything to take me down.
Now since the accident he’s turned into a sex addict with porn, and hurts me with his lust for younger women.
He has destroyed our relationship our marriage and continues to lie to his death. I found his secret emails, pictures , even recites from gifts to women.
I read this lust could be a result of injury, even the narcissist behavior could be part of this.
I tried to help him , I lost friends and family.
I don’t care anymore, I fell out of love with him. Thank goodness. Quora helped me through the tough times
I’ll admit from the start that I am old (80), so many of my experiences are from years ago and perhaps don’t really apply now. I was/am a very smart child/person. However, Mother never recognized any of my accomplishments because she was so concerned about what others would say about her. One example: when I was in high school I had to make my bed every morning before I left for school. The problems was with a shear bedspread over a sheet (her choice of course). Mother always re-made the bed. I think she was afraid someone would come in and see the bed.
The final straw for me to leave home when I was 15 was when I didn’t clean the dining room the way she thought I should. The cleanliness wasn’t the problem. It was that I was dancing and singing while I dusted. She said I would clean the way she wanted because, “It’s MY house and you’ll do it MY way.”
When I was about 7 years old I would join friends at the local theater on Saturday mornings to see a movie. One day she warmed me if a man sat down beside me to get up and move. “Because he will put his hand up your dress, and if you LET him do that, then you’re a whore.”
Many, many years later, when I was visiting Mother, a man from my church I had been dating called. ((By then I lived 1500 miles away.) He said a co-worker’s live-in left and she couldn’t afford the rent for herself and her two boys. (One of the boys was my son’s age, the other a year younger.) He wanted to know if she and he boys could rent my front bedroom, which had a separate bath. I said,”Sure,”thinking my son would have a new friend. When I told this to Mother, she looked me in the eye and asked, “Are you oversexed?”
Mother never could understand why she and I were never close. I always visited when I was in town, but we never shared any mother/daughter bond. I still get upset by this, but I never let it influence my decisions in life. I know this is a long post, but I think the whole point is that when a narcisisist thinks she should be put on a pedestal, always, then she will not support her child because her inflated ego will not give up the limelight. She NEVER supported me in anything, not even after I won awards.
She died at age 93, 10 years ago.
She sounded quit controlling Gayle. Yes they become blinkered because they’re so focused on themselves and their needs. But it sounds like you’ve not let it affect you too much.
That is very sad… But I’m glad after all these years you found strength in yourself to not only talk about it but to help others with the discussion here
Hint hint I would carefully read some of the posts in quora in readily notice the masked grins as the serial narcissists flip over Poseidon size lies like they’re the victim and they’re escaping the horrible abuse and trauma bonding when they’re the very ones who delivered it