Narcissists are black and white when evaluating people. One minute you’re the bees knees. The next, more evil than Skeletor.
At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists usually idealise. And consider you so amazing, you deserve their magnificence.
To bolster their delusions of superiority, they must believe you’re amazing, because their partner is a reflection of themselves. But once they’ve known you a while, the switch is flicked.
They discover your flaws – we all have them. They realise you’re not perfect after all. And this grates them. How can someone as amazing as them be expected to put up with a flawed individual like you? And the resentment doesn’t end there…
The qualities that first attracted them also make them jealous. How can someone so flawed be better than them at anything? This is a smack in the face for their delusions of perfection and superiority.
Where your strengths once made them proud to be associated with you, they’re now painfully annoying. So they must break you. Then they can confirm their superior status.
Here’s the various ways narcissists break you…
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Fatigue You
Some narcissists break people by fatiguing them. They may encourage you to stay up late, when you have an early start next morning. Or wake you when you’re sleeping.
The narcissists knows that when you’re tired, you have less fight. Allowing them more domination and control.
When you’re tired, you’re less able to spot their manipulations. And even if you do, you’ve less energy to do anything about it.
Fatigue renders you less effective in almost everything you do. Meaning your work and ambitions suffer. Starting a steady decline. Allowing the narcissist to claim the status of top dog.
Make You Focus All Your Energy On Them
Narcissists are hugely demanding. And expect you to focus all your energy on them. They chastise you if you forget the 24th anniversary of their Aunt Maggie’s demise. And expect you to remember they get their hair cut every 28 days. And this comes at a price to you.
It means you have less time and energy to spend on yourself. So you take less care of your health and appearance. Causing a physical decline.
Also your hobbies and interests fly out the window. And after a while of conditioning, you learn to focus more on the narcissist than you do yourself.
Bit by bit the narcissist consumes your world. Your wants and needs replaced by theirs. Making yours a distant memory. You even forget the things you like. Because you don’t have the time nor energy to pursue them.
Manufacture Conflicts
Narcissists love drama and conflict. And they know you don’t. So they manufacture conflicts to suck out your energy. Conflicts give narcissists a boost, whilst they break you.
They find minor things you’ve done “wrong”, and blow them out of proportion. And because you’re conscientious, you’re left wondering how you can be such a wretched human being.
Sometimes narcissists set you up with double binds, where you can’t do right, no matter what you do. The classic is leaving a half eaten sandwich on the side. Then complain you haven’t tidied the kitchen if you leave it there. But complain they were saving it for later, if you throw it away.
There are many variations of the double bind game. But the upshot is, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. And those of us who seek peace and harmony are left walking on egg shells, nervous and on edge. Because a conflict can happen at ANY time, for any reason. And living like this would break anyone.
Gaslight
Narcissists may also break you by gaslighting. This is where they convince you to doubt your sense of reality. So that you depend on theirs. Which of course is biased.
The narcissists may repeatedly call you “crazy”, or tell you that your memory is poor. If they’re particularly devious, they may even hide things and return them, to convince you you’re not sound of mind.
If a narcissist gets you doubting your own judgement, they can rewrite history. And deny things they said or did in the past. And change things you’ve said or done. All to their advantage of course.
Put Downs
Another way narcissists break you is by issuing lots of put downs. Designed to erode your confidence and self esteem.
Narcissists test the waters with subtle put downs, and see what you’ll put up with. These put downs are often dressed up as “jokes”. But make no mistake, a repetition of their put down “jokes” have negative effects. Because their unkind words still penetrate your mind.
Once you’re used to their supposed “jokes”, the narcissist cranks up the frequency and intensity. Becoming more cruel, and more often. And because it’s done gradually, you learn to accept them.
They suss what upsets you, then use it for punishment and abuse. If you’re sensitive about your weight, then expect fat “jokes”. And if you complain, they tell you to lighten up. Shifting the blame from their mean words, to your reaction. It’s your fault you’re offended.
This of course leaves you confused and hurt. Wondering whether they want to hurt you, or whether it’s an ill judged joke. Or if you are too sensitive. But the clue is when you ask them to stop. Someone who doesn’t intend to hurt you would stop when asked. But a narcissist notes what hurts you, and uses it again in the future.
Criticisms
In a similar way to put downs, criticisms break you down by eroding your confidence and self esteem. And gets you doubting yourself.
Nothing you do is perfect. So there’s always room for criticism if someone’s being picky. And narcissists can certainly be picky! They often set impossibly high standards for you. But don’t set the same standards for themselves.
When you cook, the carrots were boiled 30 seconds too long. When you’re driving, you’re either too slow or too quick. And even the way you speak is open to criticism.
This of course gets you doubting yourself. And when you doubt yourself, you’re less able to perform well. Decreasing your abilities, and setting you up for even more criticism. Spiralling you into a negative cycle.
Isolation
If they want to break your more, the narcissist knows they must break your support network. They know that one insightful friend or relative can undo their hard work. So they set about isolating their partners from their friends and family.
They may persuade you to move to another area, where you don’t know anyone. Quit your job. Stir trouble between you and loved ones. The list goes on.
Once isolated, you have no one to discuss the narcissists’ behaviours with. And with your energy low, your self esteem shot, you’re easy prey.
Final Thoughts
When a narcissist meets you, they’re attracted to your qualities. And may put you on a pedestal. Their delusions of superiority mean they MUST be surrounded by amazing people. So they convince themselves you’re amazing enough to deserve them. How nice of them!
Narcissists want to be loved and admired by the public. So they associate with you to create the impression they share your qualities. They want a piece of your kindness and empathy. And they learn some of your character traits to use as their own. But after a while, things turn sour.
The narcissist grows increasingly jealous of your qualities. They hate it when people compliment you. And their competitive nature kicks in. Why should they give you the spotlight?
Instead of enjoying your qualities, the narcissist works at breaking you, then there’s no arguing who’s top dog. They knock your confidence, steal your energy, and eliminate your support. But here’s the paradox.
They break you until you’re no longer the amazing person they met. At least not in their eyes. They achieved their aim, and now you’re not good enough.
At this point many narcissists search for someone else. They’ve broken you, but aren’t happy with the shattered pieces. Even though it’s their doing.
Narcissists are always looking for the best of both worlds. Which is why they’re never truly happy. They don’t realise that the world doesn’t work this way.
So they continue their cycle of worshipping then breaking people. Always looking for more, and never satisfied. Ruining the thing that’s most precious to them. Then of course, blaming you.
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They are also going to make sure you can’t escape from their clutch by making sure you have no income.
Yes, then you HAVE to take more of their abuse.
I’ve read various articles about narcissists and have noticed it’s often said that they hate to be ignored. Or rejected. Or criticized. Or gray-rocked. No wonder. Because how dare you try to resisting them!
Perhaps it’s because if a narcissist succeeds in bring down someone who’s stronger than they expected, it gives them prime supply.
Absolutely. They have delusions of superiority, and being rejected, ignored, or criticised, threatens them. Yes, I think bring down someone who has a lot to offer gives them a bigger sense of accomplishment.