The Ikea effect explains why many people get attached to narcissists. Despite poor treatment. And years of neglect.
Outsiders look at the relationship, and wonder what they see in them. Knowing they could do better. At the same time, the narcissists partner considers themself lucky to be with them. And wouldn’t dream of throwing away such a catch.
Why does the narcissists partner value them so highly, when outsiders see something completely different? Part of the reason is the Ikea Effect…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
What Is The “Ikea Effect”?
As you probably know, Ikea is a Swedish furniture store that sells self assembly furniture. You buy parts from their store, then build them yourself at home.
Ikea is a huge global business. Yet it’s success has nothing to do with saving money, or high quality. Here’s the surprising thing…
Studies have shown that people who assemble their own furniture, value it higher than those who buy ready made. In one study, people assembled their own storage boxes, whereas others were presented with identical ready made boxes. Both groups were then asked how much they’d pay for the same boxes.
On average, the people who assembled their own boxes valued them 63% higher than those that didn’t. Despite the extra effort they made in building them. So they were prepared to pay MORE for an identical product. Simply because THEY constructed it.
Other Examples Of The Ikea Effect
The 1950’s saw the introduction of ready made cake mixes. Where you bought a cake mix, and added water. But these never took off. So the manufactures made a simple change.
People found the original cake mixes too easy to make. So they didn’t value them. So producers removed the egg and milk from the mix, and sales went through the roof.
Consumers had to put in more effort by adding an egg and milk. So they valued the finished product more.
The Ikea effect can be seen in many modern businesses. Such as build your own pizza. Design your own gift cards. Create your own T-shirts, etc.
It seems that if you put effort into a products creation, you value it higher. Because there’s pride attached to something you’ve invested in. Plus you’re less likely to admit that something’s bad, if you contributed to its creation.
This gave rise to the phrase, “labour is love”. But how does this relate to narcissists?
Narcissists And The Ikea Effect
Narcissists are needy, and usually lead chaotic lives. And aren’t shy about asking for help.
So people often help them with various things. Such as lending them money. Or giving them lifts. I’ve even seen narcissists entice people to clean their homes.
Once people have helped the narcissist, they feel emotionally invested. And more attached to them. Almost like how you value a child you care for.
When you help someone, you almost see a part of yourself in them. Because you’ve helped build them. So you want to see them grow and thrive. Which is why many people become more like carers, than friends with narcissists.
Narcissists often take advantage of this by assembling an entourage of helpers. Who are emotionally invested in the narcissist. Whilst they reap all the rewards.
In Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, narcissists don’t demand much at the beginning. Because they’re love bombing, and attempting to win you over.
Narcissists understand that they can’t be too demanding at the start. Or they’d frighten everyone away. So they demand little, and incrementally ramp it up.
Gradually, their partner does more for them. Until before they know it, they’re investing almost all their time, money, and resources into them. After a while, because they’ve invested so much, they attach value to the narcissist. And it gets more difficult to walk away.
We naturally feel good when we help people. Because we’re wired to be social creatures. And our empathy is a glue that binds us together. But sadly narcissists don’t have any empathy. So they can detach themselves from the situation. And coldly take advantage.
Sunk-Cost Fallacy
The sunk-cost fallacy is where someone is reluctant to give something up, because of everything they’ve invested. Even though abandonment is logically the best choice.
For example, you might sit through a boring 3 hour movie, until the bitter end. Because you’ve paid for the ticket. Even though you knew it was dull after the first few minutes.
Or you may spend 3 years studying law, only to realise that you hate the subject. But instead of turning to other professions, you spend the rest of your working life as a lawyer. Because you can’t bare to throw away those 3 years. Despite it now costing you 30 years of misery.
During a narcissist relationship, you spend money, time, and effort. Which you can’t get back. So many people stick with their investment, hoping that one day it bears fruit. But sadly, when it comes to narcissists, it rarely does.
Final Thoughts
So this is the Ikea effect. You spend years sacrificing yourself for the narcissist. And at times they show glimpses of improvement, to string you along. So you become more emotionally invested. And you kid yourself that your efforts aren’t being wasted.
After a while, doubt creeps in. And you’re aware of how little you’re getting back. And wonder if they’ll ever change.
Psychologically, you naturally want a return on your investment. But the only way this happens is by sticking with them. Because if you walk away, all is lost. So you put up with more bad behaviours. Praying things will change.
As time passes, it gets increasingly difficult to walk away. Because the bill stacks up to monumental proportions.
With neuro-typicals, you may see a return on your investment. Because they have a natural balancing mechanism, where they want to return favours given. But if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s unlikely to bear fruit. Because they;re happy to continually take. And the longer you leave it, the more you lose.
At some point, you’ve got to cut your losses and walk away. Because staring lovingly at a dodgy table for the next 20 years is one thing. But sharing your life with someone who drags you down, is something else entirely.
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Yes, I’ve perused the IKEA catalogue and the furniture always look so good! But most of them are made with fiberboard. Crappy, crappy fiberboard. The ones that are made with real wood are more costly. And the fiberboard furniture doesn’t last long. My partner had a hell of a time trying to assembling it, with many curse words! Luckily, I bought my duchess second-hand. Real wood.
If there was a flood, or even just a thunderstorm and you forgot to shut the door, anything made from fiberboard would swell and perish. Of course, you’d have to get rid of it and get another one that’s more durable. You’d HAVE to.
That’s ironic. A narcissist would get rid of you if s/he saw someone bright, shiny and new for a partner at the drop of a hat!
They don’t invest anything into you, so they don’t care!
Yes! Like your other articles where you said that the narcissist thinks of you as a car. Or a toaster. Or many other things that they need or want.
And yet their partner, their friends and relations feel emotionally invested with them, just because they’ve helped them. Sooner or later those people realize that the narc is not going to help them. That they feel that the people in their lives are merely THINGS. I’ll remember that.
Yes, people oft4en suss them gradually as time goes by. Plus people in their life get older and wiser. So they often struggle keeping people around them as they age.