People who spend time with narcissists often find themselves tired and drained. Leaving many wanting to avoid the narcissist.
But narcissists usually hanker for company. And feel energised by it.
Narcissists are often referred to as “energy vampires”. “Energy vampire” implies that narcissists take energy, and use it for themselves. And in effect, that’s what they do.
How do narcissists steal your energy? Here’s my thoughts…
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Push Their Responsibilities Onto You
If you live with a narcissist, or are close to them, they often push their responsibilities onto you. This doesn’t happen over night. It’s done gradually, by stealth.
Narcissists usually lead chaotic lives. And often forget, or can’t be bothered sorting their responsibilities.
If you live with them, you probably don’t want your house a tip. And your finances ruined. So bit by bit, you take over and sort things out.
After a while you find yourself responsible for nearly everything. Whilst they relax and do what they want.
This has the effect of draining you, whilst preserving their energy. Which essentially is stealing yours. It’s not magical, but it’s very real.
Make You Feel Responsible For Them
Narcissists have a way of making others feel responsible for them. They might play the victim, knowing your empathy will compel you to help.
Or they may neglect themselves, their homes, or their children. Knowing you can’t bare to see them live like this. And you can’t help but step in. But once you’ve helped a few times, you become involved. And feel a responsibility towards them. And they know this.
Narcissists often create long term health problems that flair up at convenient times. They might for example claim they’re feeling suicidal. And know they can pull this card out whenever they want attention.
Or they might have an invisible illness, such as fibromyalgia or back pain. And when they can’t be bothered doing something, it conveniently flairs up. And you step in to save the day.
This all has the effect of helping them preserve their energy, whilst draining yours. Because they have little responsibility, whilst you’re responsible for yourself and them.
Make You Their Therapist
Narcissists sometimes choose people to be their unofficial therapist. And phone or call round with their problems. Talking for hours on end.
Often the narcissist uses their “problems” as an excuse to talk about their favourite subject – them. And happily bend your ear over trivial or exaggerated issues.
And of course this only works one way. If you talk about your problems, they swiftly change the subject back to theirs.
Listening to someone for hours is draining. Especially when you’re ignored. And the narcissist often goes round in circles, repeating the same things over and over. Leaving you drained. But the narcissist is energised, because the conversation is revolving around them.
Criticise
Narcissists also steal your energy by dishing out criticisms. They may be subtle or overt. Depending on how comfortable they are attacking you.
You should have boiled the carrots 2 minutes longer. You look fat in that top. Isn’t it time you got a new job? Etc.
These constant criticisms leave you anxious and drained. Second guessing yourself on almost everything you do. And it energises the narcissist because it feeds their delusions of superiority. They lift themselves up by dragging you down.
Deliberately Tire You Out
Narcissists may deliberately tire people out. Especially their partners. They might persuade them to stay up late, knowing they’re up early in the morning. Or wake them early if they’ve had a late night.
Narcissists aren’t shy when it comes to waking up others. But if you wake them, expect fireworks. Narcissists hate being woken up. And often react angrily. They’re allowed to take your sleep away. But you can’t take theirs.
Wind You Up
Narcissists like to deliberately wind people up. It might be strategic. Such as causing an argument to stop you seeing your friends. Or it might be a ploy to deplete your energy. But whatever the motive, it’s still draining.
Narcissists get a kick out of winding people up. And may spout all sorts of nonsense to make it happen. They may accuse you of something random, such as cheating. Knowing full well you haven’t.
Narcissists feel energised by winding people up. Because it gives them your undivided attention. And it makes them feel powerful, because they’ve pulled your strings, and gained a reaction.
Whilst they feel energised, you feel drained. Because you expend emotional energy defending yourself, and making sense of the confusion and frustration they cause. Whilst they happily smirk to themselves over a job well done.
Create Drama
Narcissists don’t like things peaceful and harmonious. They like to create drama. Then drag you along for the ride.
Narcissists have a knack of attracting drama. Often because of their selfish ways. But also because they want it.
Narcissists spend their lives walled off from their emotions. In their mind this helps them stay “strong”, because they don’t feel emotional pain. But it comes at a price.
Avoiding normal human emotions leaves them feeling dead inside. Bored, restless, and empty. Drama spices up their world, and makes them feel alive. Which energises their dead souls. But it drains you. Because drama and conflict are traumatic for empathetic people.
Final Thoughts
These are some of the ways narcissists deplete your energy, whilst giving themselves a boost. It’s not magical or mythical. They steal your energy, because your loss is usually their gain.
Narcissists seem to either intuitively or consciously play the energy game. And strive to deplete yours, whilst boosting theirs.
Narcissists are rightfully referred to as “energy vampires”. And are almost bottomless pits for their wants and needs.
If you don’t want to lose your energy to a narcissist, then go no contact. Or if that’s not possible, keep them at arms length. And limit your exposure. At least that gives you time to recover.
Narcissists are NEVER giving. Not in the long run. They may give for a while. But it’s only while they manoeuvre themselves into a position to take more. Keep your energy, and keep away!
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