During a relationship with a narcissist, you feel many negative emotions. But the frustrating thing is that it’s difficult to pin down why you feel that way. And it’s even more difficult to explain to others how you’re feeling.

For years in my marriage I had a gut feeling I was being played. And that she didn’t really care about me. But I ignored my feelings, and put them down to paranoia. I found it difficult to believe that someone would buy a house and get married when they felt this way. So I assumed it must be me that’s reading too much into things.

People who haven’t been in a relationship with a narcissist usually don’t understand what you’re going through. Narcissists do lots of little things to hurt you. But often on their own they’re not a massive deal. (Of course they do big things too sometimes!) But it’s often more of an accumulation of damage over a number of years, rather than one big event. And this is difficult to understand even when you’re going through it, let alone for someone who’s never experienced it.

This can leave you feeling alone with your emotions, with no one to turn to. And, in my case, bottling them up for years. And when you try and hold on to negativity, it starts to damage your mental and physical health.

It was only after reading about narcissism that I realised I wasn’t alone. Most of the things I went through were surprisingly common. And this provided a massive sense of comfort, knowing I wasn’t alone. There are people out there that understand. And that everything wasn’t my fault.

So here’s some of the emotions someone typically feels when in a relationship with a narcissist. Please feel free to add your thoughts and feelings in the comments at the end…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Isolated

Narcissists sometimes use all sorts of trickery to stop you talking to others. They might stir trouble between you and your family and friends. Or move you to an area where you don’t know anyone.

Once you’re isolated, you have fewer people to turn to for a reality check. Making you even more influenced by the narcissists’ narration of events. And even if you do find someone to turn to…

Narcissists act very differently in private than they do in public. They can pretend to be warm, caring and kind to people not close to them. And they can fool a lot of people for a long time. Leaving those around you thinking you’re either exaggerating, or making things up.

Narcissists may also preach about loyalty between couples. And how you shouldn’t bad mouth each other. And whilst this sounds like a nice sentiment, it’s designed to stop you from spilling the beans on what they’re really like.

So their partners usually bottle up their emotions for years, and just get on with life. But something deep inside feels wrong. And there’s a nagging feeling that won’t go away.

Confused

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is confusing. Narcissists often say one thing, but do the opposite. They may tell you you’re the love of their life. Then stand you up last minute when a friend phones with a more exciting offer.

Narcissists are usually experts at flattery. They become experts because they know it’s easier to SAY nice things than it is to DO them. So you often get completely different messages between what they say and what they do.

Narcissists are also experts at selling themselves as good people. They frequently brag about all the good deeds they’ve supposedly done. And talk at length about their morals, and doing the right thing. They can fool a lot of people. Especially those not as close to them.

This leaves their partners is a highly confused state when the narcissist “uncharacteristically” acts selfish, or nasty towards them. How can someone so good act like this?

This leaves their partners searching for answers, leading many to make excuses for them. “They must be stressed or tired”. What else can explain this sudden change? And the narcissist can get away with this for years.

Walking On Egg Shells

Instead of walking on sunshine, you’re more likely to be walking on egg shells. During a relationship with a narcissist, it’s common to feel anxious. But it’s often difficult to understand why. Here’s why most people feel like they’re walking on egg shells…

It’s because narcissists WANT you to be walking on egg shells. They know this makes you more compliable, and more likely to do as you’re told. Anxious people are far less likely to say no to their demands.

Many narcissists have bad moods that last for days. They know that people feel uncomfortable and want it to end. So they go out their way to appease the narcissist. And the narcissists sits back and enjoys the power trip of everyone running round trying to placate them.

Worried You’ve Done Something Wrong

Narcissists sometimes fly off the handle over minor things. And what was fine yesterday is a HUGE problem today.

Their inconsistency is as startling as it is confusing. Because your brain cannot predict what will set them off next.

This creates anxiety and worry. Even when they’re playing nice. And can cause you to go to ridiculous lengths to avoid their wrath. And all the while the anxiety and tension builds up, leaving you constantly worrying you’ve done something wrong.

Lonely

It’s easy to feel lonely around a narcissist. Even when you spend a lot of time with them. Narcissists don’t look to their partners for a harmonious connection. They want to TAKE your time, attention, and compliance. They don’t care about your wants or needs.

Narcissists understand that they have to throw you the odd bone every now and then to keep you sweet. So even when they’re being “nice”, it can feel forced and insincere. But because you’re starved of nice gestures, you gratefully devour any tiny morsel thrown your way.

Narcissists usually have an array of tactics to stop you making demands for yourself. They may become a perpetual victim, to get you to focus on their needs. They may put you down, or dish out sarcastic comments whenever you try to express yourself.

These tactics keep you focussing on what’s important – them. But this leaves you out in the cold, with no one to turn to. And feeling alone, even when you’re in a long term relationship.

EVERYTHING Feels Like Your Responsibility

During a relationship with a narcissist, the responsibilities gradually work their way to you. Until almost everything becomes your responsibility.

Narcissists are usually terrible with money. And you may find yourself spending next to nothing in order to redress the balance. The narcissist knows they’ll win in the game of “who blinks first”. And you end up taking care of all the things they neglect. Because you so desperately want something resembling a normal life.

Narcissists can’t be bothered with the less glamorous things in life such as cooking, cleaning and looking after children. So to avoid neglect, your lovely empathetic self answers the call. And soon you’re doing practically everything.

The narcissist loves this situation. They can walk around without a care in the world, whilst you worry about everything. And if you ask for help, or complain you’re stressed, they tell you to relax. Argghh!

Tired

Narcissists main aim in a relationship is to take as much as they can, whilst giving away as little as possible. And they’re usually pretty good at this, because they’ve had years of practice.

When you’re responsible for two adults, and maybe children, it’s not surprising you often feel tired. And if you want anything back, you usually have to fight hard for it. And the fight is usually more effort than what you gain. So you learn it’s not worth bothering. This leaves you giving away more than should, with little in return. Over time this takes its toll. Leaving you feeling tired and drained.

Frustrated

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is full of frustration. The narcissist usually has a different set of rules for you than they have for themselves. And if you point this out, they drag you into a circular argument, where you get nowhere.

Narcissist don’t want calm and rational discussions to resolve matters. Because they don’t want the truth to come out. They’d rather lead you round a merry-go-round of circular arguments, with no end in sight.

This leaves you feeling frustrated that you can’t talk to them. And tell them how you’re feeling. And when you try, they change the subject, ridicule you, or get angry blame you for wholly unrelated things. You eventually learn it’s not worth expressing yourself. Leaving you bottling up your negative emotions.

Feel Like You’ve Lost Yourself

Many people feel like they’ve lost themselves during a long term relationship with a narcissist. They don’t know who they are any more. And don’t know what they want and what they like.

This is because the narcissist works on shifting your thinking. So that you stop thinking about yourself, and think about them.

Narcissists use a combination of punishment and reward tactics to steer your thinking towards them. And because you’re responsible for almost everything, you don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to think about yourself anyway.

Your hobbies and interests fly out the window. And you may even neglect yourself. You have enough to worry about, without bothering with something as trivial as your own needs!

Suspicious

Being in a relationship with a narcissist often arouses suspicion. Narcissists are not the most honest people in the world. Deep down you know this. And this leads you to wonder what they’re really up to when you’re not around.

Narcissists stories usually don’t quite add up. And they’re inconsistent with their thoughts and actions.

Many narcissists like to flirt in front of their partners to wind them up. Leading their partners to think, “If they’re like that in front of me, what are they like when I’m not here.”

And narcissists don’t do anything to relieve your suspicions. Instead they accuse you of being jealous or needy, and end the discussion right there. And secretly they LOVE the fact that you’re jealous. As well as being a big compliment, it means that you care more about them than they care about you. Which is a big win in the power stakes.

Final Thoughts

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be stressful, lonely, and frustrating. And after a few years, most people feel more anxious and less happy than ever before. The good news is that this can be reversed, once the relationship is over. But it does take time.

People who haven’t been in a relationship with a narcissist struggle to understand what it feels like. And the narcissist usually hides their true selves to outsiders. So people have a tough time grasping what you’re going through. And often put it down to normal relationship tensions.

And because you probably don’t have anyone you can REALLY talk to, you begin to doubt your own sanity. Is it them, or is it me? Of course the narcissist will let you think that EVERYTHING is your fault. Even when you work so tirelessly to make things OK.

But because you’ve lived this way for years, it becomes your “new normal”. And you become desensitised to the bad treatment. It’s only after the relationship is over do you fully realise what you’ve been putting up with. And by then the narcissist has probably moved on to their next victim. And whilst this may be upsetting, at least you’re now off the hook.

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