Narcissists are a unique bunch. And what works when dealing with neuro-typicals, doesn’t necessarily work with narcissists.
Many people make the same mistakes when dealing with narcissists. Because they assume they’re neuro-typical. And even if they know they’re narcissists, they probably don’t know enough to prevent them from making these mistakes.
So I thought I’d compile the most common mistakes people make with narcissists. To help you and others when dealing with them.
Here’s some common mistakes people make when dealing with narcissists…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Assume Narcissists Have Empathy
In most cases, people don’t know someone’s a narcissist. And even if they did, they wouldn’t know what this means.
Most people are fooled into thinking the narcissist has emotional empathy. Because they’re good at faking it. And in most peoples minds, it’s a given that everybody has it.
This fools people into thinking the narcissist “cares deep down” when they act selfishly. And they often interpret their actions in a more positive light than they deserve.
This causes many narcissists to fly under the radar. And get away with narcissistic behaviours for years. Hurting those around them. And getting off scot-free.
Narcissists lack emotional empathy. So they don’t feel bad when they hurt someone. Although they may cognitively understand what they did wrong.
So if a narcissist says they “feel bad” or “guilty” for something, then they’re probably lying. And are either saying this to fake empathy to look good. Or to fake an apology.
When a neuro-typical says their own actions made them feel bad, it’s likely they won’t repeat them. Because they remember the unpleasant guilty feelings. And they don’t want to feel like that again.
But narcissists are only sorry they’re caught. Because they don’t have those guilty feelings. So they may do the same thing again and again. Especially if they think they can get away with it.
So when you’re dealing with a narcissist, don’t assume they feel bad just because they say so. Look at why they’re saying this, and what they stand to gain.
Cash On Delivery
When most people make promises, they keep them. Because they feel bad if they don’t. But this doesn’t apply to narcissists, because of their lack of emotional empathy.
Most people assume that narcissists will keep their promises. Or at least strive to. And the narcissist is likely to talk a good talk. And convince everyone they’re honest.
When the narcissist lets them down, they’re in shock. Because in their mind it was “uncharacteristic”. And this naturally gets them questioning what happened.
Narcissists are experts at denials and blame shifting. And are likely to talk their way out of it. And because the other person assumes they’re a good person, they believe them. Which not only gets them off the hook, but keeps them as friends. And in a position to take advantage again in the future.
So if you enter into an arrangement with a narcissist, then insist on cash before delivery. Make sure they deliver their side of the bargain, before you deliver yours. Because that’s the only way you’re guaranteed a return on their promise.
Believe Their Hype
Most narcissists hide their flaws by their constant virtue signalling. They may repeatedly talk about how caring and empathetic they are. Post all over social media about helping the less fortunate. Or even regularly attend church.
They may also work in caring professions, such as nursing, teaching, or even the clergy. And with their constant hype, many people believe they must be good people. Even in the face of contradictory evidence.
People often make the mistake of listening to what narcissists say. Rather than watching what they do. So they fall for the narcissist who says the right things, or associates themselves with noble causes. Even though they contradict them with their actions.
So if your local vicar is always drunk and having affairs behind their partner’s back, then they’re not a good person. Regardless of their job. And you probably shouldn’t trust them.
Live In Hope They’ll Change
Whether it’s a friendship or a relationship, many people keep narcissists around because they hope they’ll mature and improve over time. And this may happen with most people. But not with narcissists.
Narcissists barely make any strides in their development. Which is why the longer you know them, the less mature they seem. Because during this time you grow and mature, whilst they stay largely the same. Which widens the gap.
Narcissists develop slowly because they don’t think they need to improve. In the narcissists mind, they’re never wrong. And everything is always someone else’s fault. So they have no motivation to change and grow. Because how can you improve on perfection?!
Many long suffering people live in hope that they’ll eventually see the light. And they patiently put up with their nonsense for years. Waiting for them to grow and learn. But they never do.
Don’t be fooled into staying in relationships because of someone’s “potential”. If they’re not a right fit now, there’s no guarantees they will be in the future. And you could waste years of time and energy waiting. When you could have been investing it in someone more suitable.
Assume They’re Flawed But Good People
Many people assume that the narcissist is a good person, because they’re not bad all the time. Perhaps fiction has contributed to this belief.
Fiction often creates a black and white distinction between someone who’s “good”, and someone who’s “bad”. And the distinction is often too obvious for the real world. Because the baddies are bad ALL the time. And the goodies are eternal angels. But life doesn’t work that way.
Even Hitler could be kind and charming at times. He was vegan, and cared for his animals. But that obviously doesn’t make him a good person.
Narcissists can have good days for various reasons. They may be in a good mood, because things are going there way. Or they could have an ulterior motive to treat someone well, because there’s something in it for them.
This causes many people to overlook the consistently bad things they do. Because they cling on to the odd show of kindness. And narcissists sometimes play on this, and throw the odd bone every now and then, when they’ve pushed things too far.
Just remember, “bad” people aren’t bad all the time. And just because someone throws you a nugget of goodness every now and then, it doesn’t make up for treating you badly.
Believe They’ve Changed
A common mistake people make, is believing that the narcissist has changed when they play nice for a while. But they’re usually nice because there’s something they want.
In the workplace, the narcissist might suddenly become a diligent worker when there’s a promotion on the horizon. Even more darkly, they may be nice to someone who’s days are numbered. As they hope for inclusion in their will.
Most people find it difficult to believe that someone would change their whole persona. And fake being nice for weeks, even months. Just to get something they want. But that’s because they don’t understand narcissism.
Instead they’re fooled into thinking that the narcissist has changed. And they let down their guard. Allowing the narcissist to take advantage.
So when someone suddenly “changes” and becomes nice, it’s wise to reserve your judgement. Don’t let your guard down. Instead, wait and watch. Because if you’re dealing with a narcissist, then it’s likely they’ll return back to type.
Repeatedly Forgive Them Because They Seem Sorry
If a narcissist crosses someone and gets caught, then they usually deny it. If this doesn’t work then they may blame someone else. And if this doesn’t work, then they may be forced to apologise.
This scattered approach shows that the narcissist is looking for a way out. And they’re not truly sorry.
Most narcissists can look someone in the eye and offer a “sincere” apology. Even though they don’t mean it. Especially if they benefit from being in their good books.
People often fall for the narcissists apology, because they’re good at it. Narcissists are happy to say whatever they need to say to get off the hook. And because most people are brought up to forgive and forget, it works most of the time.
If a narcissist learns that they can easily gain forgiveness with a false apology, then they’ll use it. And they may cross you even MORE in the future. Because they don’t feel guilty for what they did. And now they’ve learnt that all they need to do is utter a few words, and all’s forgiven. Meaning there’s no consequences for their actions.
Repeatedly forgiving a narcissist is playing into their hands. Because they have no intention of changing their behaviour. And any change is temporary, whilst they wait for the dust to settle. Then they do it all again.
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