If you’ve ever been close to a narcissist then you’re probably familiar with their vast array of meaningless excuses. Nothing’s ever their fault. In fact, it’s usually yours.
Narcissists are liberal with their excuses because they don’t take responsibility for their actions. And they don’t like admitting they’re wrong.
Many narcissists have a few go-to excuses they use for practically everything. And as we know, they all own the same narcissist’s handbook. So you’re probably familiar with some of these excuses. If there’s any more you’ve heard, please leave them in the comments at the end of this article.
OK, here we go. Here’s the common excuses I’ve heard narcissists use over the years…
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I Was Only Joking
“I was only joking” is probably the most common excuse narcissists use. It’s many narcissists go-to when they’re called out for their insults.
The narcissist claims the insult was a joke, and backtracks. Leaving doubt in the mind of the recipient, which usually gets them off the hook.
This means the narcissist can’t lose. They can dish out snide comments and insults all day long. And watch people squirm. But if they’re challenged, they reveal it was all a “joke”. Except it wasn’t until they were called out.
Narcissists occasionally use the “joking” excuse in other situations. For instance I once called out a narcissist for pressuring to live with me. To save face she claimed her several hours of pressuring was a joke. Pretty funny eh?!
You’re Too Sensitive
Blaming someone for being too sensitive is another excuse narcissists use when called out over insults. But this phrase is probably more damaging than claiming it was a joke.
Not only does the “sensitive” line get them off the hook, it also makes a counter accusation. And accuses the recipient of being at fault for taking their “joke” wrong. In effect gaslighting them into believing their sensitivity is the real issue.
It Was My Upbringing
Narcissists often blame their upbringing when called out over their bad behaviours. And may use it as a blanket excuse for almost anything. And whilst they may have had a bad upbringing, their upbringing is no excuse to abuse others.
They’re grown up, and should have done the work to prevent themselves from being abusive – if they cared. Or they should at least be making efforts to work on it.
A big clue that this is an empty excuse is the selectivity of it. The narcissist can usually refrain from abusive behaviours with some people, but not others. I wonder why?
They’re usually not abusive with their boss at work for example. Or people they want to impress. So they can control it for them, why can’t they control it for you?
You Put Me Off
Narcissists don’t like to admit they’ve done anything wrong. Because this challenges their delusions of superiority and perfection. So they’re often quick to blame others for their mistakes. And accusing someone of putting them off is a simple way of turning the tables.
The narcissist may for example drop a glass on the floor, smashing it to a thousand pieces. Then blame you for talking to them, or even being in the same room!
It Was A Mistake
Whilst narcissists don’t normally admit to making mistakes, they might if it downgrades their misdemeanours.
For example they may say they “made a mistake” if they cheated on you. Like getting naked with someone is similar to losing their car keys.
It’s My Mental Health
Early in a relationship, narcissists often establish that they have mental health issues. Depression, PTSD, and anxiety seem to be favourites.
And if you believe them, then they have a ready made excuse for life. The narcissist can blame their mental health on practically anything. From abusive behaviours, to laziness, addictions etc.
Not only does the mental health card get them off the hook, it also establishes THEM as the victim. So not only are they abusive towards you, you’re expected to feel sorry for them!
It’s For Your Own Good
Narcissists may justify their controlling and abusive behaviours by claiming they were doing it for your own good. This excuse seems most prevalent when they’re called out for fat shaming or controlling their partners diet.
Narcissists can be as insulting as they like, then claim they’re helping you. And you’re supposed to be grateful!
Narcissist parents may also use this to excuse their controlling and abusive ways with their children. And unfortunately it’s difficult to dispute, because normally thinking parents have a strong urge to protect. The difference is that narcissists do it for their own reasons.
I’m Only Being Honest – I Tell It Like It Is
These phrases are used to justify insults and put downs. And whilst there may be some truth in what they say, it doesn’t have to be like this.
Someone can be honest without hurting anyone’s feelings. They can either say nothing, or find a way of saying it diplomatically, without putting anyone down.
You Make Me Angry
Narcissists with anger issues often blame their partners for “making” them angry. Which of course removes responsibility from the narcissist, and dumps it on to their partners.
The “you make me angry” excuse implies that their partner should work on not making the narcissist angry. And ignores the narcissists responsibility to control their own emotions. Which shows they’re happy to continue with their anger.
You’re Too Jealous
Narcissists often turn the tables when accused of flirtatious behaviour, and accuse their partners of jealousy. But the narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing.
Many narcissists find ways of subtly flirting in front of their partners. They may for example stand a little closer than usual to someone, or laugh a bit too much at their jokes.
Narcissists do this because they like the attention. But also to provoke their partners. Because once they react, they can accuse them of jealousy. And push them onto the back foot to gain the upper hand.
Once the narcissist has established that their partner is jealous, they can continue with their flirting unchallenged. And they’re more likely to get away with affairs, because they can put their suspicious behaviours down to your jealousy.
You Don’t Love Me Enough
This is the classic narcissist excuse for when they’re caught having an affair. It blames you for their transgressions by saying that they did it because you didn’t love them enough. So in a nutshell, it’s your fault they had the affair!
Accusing their partners of not loving them enough is vague, and doesn’t mean anything. How specifically do you make them feel unloved? And if they feel unloved, shouldn’t they discuss this with you? Not secretly have an affair behind your back.
It’s A Dog Eat Dog World
This is the perfect phrase to excuse a narcissists bullying ways. And it implies they’re justified in dominating people who are weaker than them.
However I’d wager that no narcissist would be happy if they were on the receiving end. They’d be the first to cry. So as far as they’re concerned, it’s only a dog eat dog world when they’re doing the eating.
It’s My Star Sign
I’ve heard this a time or two, although it’s less common than the other excuses. This is where the narcissist blames their behaviours on their star sign – I kid you not!
For instance they may blame their blunt and stubborn ways on being an Aries. Which implies it’s not their fault, because they didn’t choose when they were born.
This allows the narcissist to reject responsibility for their bad behaviours. And gives them an excuse not to work on them.
Are there any other excuses you’ve heard from narcissists? Please leave them in the comments bellow…
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You hit the nail on the head. “I was only joking. You’re too sensitive. It was the way I was raised. If you hadn’t made me angry.” All things my narcissist mother has said. And getting that woman to be accountable is like trying to put socks on an eel.
Thanks Cheryl. Yes, most of the excuses are to avoid accountability.
Thank you Jon. All of these are so true. Always love your writing 🙂
In my experience of a malignant narc with dark triad sociopath/psychopath/Machiavellian traits, these excuses appear mild and accept at least some accountability for the mere fact of ‘it was only a joke’ or ‘my upbringing’. I always got and continue to get “she twists everything”, gaslighting techniques of “she’s crazy, lying/coaching kids/fabricating” when we know what we experience as our reality. Also the projection techniques of what they themselves are actually doing is so blatantly obvious i.e. “stop abusing me (him) and the children with your lies”. Thank goodness I have not questioned my reality and stayed strong and aware, but these types could certainly make the fragile and vulnerable question their sanity.
Thanks Chantal, glad you appreciate my writing! 😉 Yes they for sure twist reality. Their projection often gives a good clue as to what’s going on in their head. And gives away what they’re really up to!
Hi John, thank you for this explanation on annoying habits.
My ex hit all of those explained. I did buy items in the home out of my own money, he broke a glass vase, allowed the cat the spoil the rugs after I discussed to keep him out if the bedroom. I made it clear he would gave to pay for the rugs if anything happened to them.
I left him, he claimed the items I bought belong to him, just as well I kept reciepts with my card number displayed.
He would walk ahead of me, and accused me of being too slow, to the extent of pulling me, I fell of the kerb as a result he left me on the ground and just stood over me.
Prodding and poking with verbal assaults, I would be working he would accuse me of being flat, boring and monotone, it did not matter whether I stated quiet or responded, he was winning.
Relentless…
He sought counselling though Health in Mind, and managed to twist the real issues and cover as anxiety only, claiming afterwards his new therapist “” Knows Him.. “” after only one assessment.
I have never ever being pushed of the edge so much by one person and I am not even touching the surface… My biggest fear now, I see and here behaviours like this everywhere. I’m so in tune and on alert.
Thank you so much for these educating emails.
I hear you Scarlett. It’s difficult to properly explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. But it seems extremely common, but still largely hidden. Hopefully the more educated people become, the less power narcissists wield.