Those who’ve lived with a narcissist know they often get angry and go into a strop. They might give you the silent treatment. Be in an obvious foul mood where they’re snappy. Or even talk about wanting to end things.

These strops can be for no apparent reason, and may last for days. But there’s usually a reason. Even if it’s not obvious, or logical for a neuro-typical to fully understand.

You might have forgotten it was their Auntie’s birthday. Or you might have handed a cup of tea to their friend, before you handed them theirs. Narcissists are surprisingly sensitive. And in their mind, YOU have wronged them. It’s NEVER their fault.

Narcissists struggle with whole object relations. They struggle to realise that everybody is a combination of good and bad. It’s all or nothing with them. Narcissists see people as “all good” if they do something that pleases them. And “all bad” if they do something they don’t like.

Angry narcissists see you as all bad. And right at that moment, all the good you’ve ever done for them counts for nothing. You’re a bad person and that’s it. Black and white. So it can be difficult getting through to a narcissist who’s in a strop.

But there is some hope. There are a few things you can do to help smooth things over. Here’s some tips for how to deal with an angry narcissist…

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Walking A Tightrope

Dealing with an angry narcissist is a bit like walking the tightrope. If you don’t show you’re concerned, then you don’t care, don’t love them, etc. But if you keep mollycoddling and asking them if they’re OK, they get annoyed, saying you’re being “suffocating”. They might tell you that they don’t need you or anybody else. And they usually increase their stroppy behaviour if you focus on them too much.

By giving them too much attention, you’re playing into their hands. Narcissists always like attention. But in this frame of mind they’re looking for reasons to be annoyed with you. Excessive attention gives them a reason. Even if you don’t say or do something “wrong” when they’re harshly judging you. The mere fact you’re saying anything is likely to be deemed “wrong”.

You have to judge how much attention you give them. Not too much, and not too little. Often it’s wise to keep away from them for the first few hours of a strop. Then gradually spend more time with them as they calm down.

Set Traps

Narcissists often set traps when they’re in this frame of mind, setting you up to do or say something “wrong”. They might leave a sandwich on the side, hoping you’ll throw it away. Then blame you for throwing away their dinner.

I remember one narcissist leaving an opened bar of chocolate on a table outside in the blazing sun and taking himself off into town for a few hours. Then complaining that someone threw it away when he returned.

It’s not always easy to spot their traps. But if you keep looking for them, you’ll learn how they operate. Try not to interfere in their things when they’re in a strop!

Even if you fall foul of a trap, you can learn for next time. Look at what they did, and how you could respond next time. And after a while it becomes second nature.

Walking On Egg Shells

When angry, narcissists like people to be walking on egg shells around them. This feeds their delusions of power. But too much can go to their head. And they may see you as weak, and attack you more. So it’s best not to go too much into your shell.

Act like it’s not affecting you much, but not in an arrogant way. It’s usually best not to be too chirpy and chatty with them. Not until they’ve calmed down. Because they WILL find things to get annoyed at. I find acting fairly normal, but minimising the chat seems to work well.

Stroke Their Ego

A good way to calm a narcissist is to stroke their ego. Give them a compliment. A compliment usually goes a LONG way with narcissists!

But the compliment must be sincere. Narcissists spot an insincere compliment a mile off. They’re the masters of insincere compliments! And they may find it insulting. And probably strop at you some more.

Find something genuine to compliment them about. But don’t lay it on too thick. Give them a little praise about something, then move on like it’s not big deal. A compliment in passing. The narcissist won’t have chance to unpick the compliment for “flaws”. But they will always remember it!

Socialise With Others

If you can persuade the narcissist to socialise, this can be a rapid mood changer. Narcissists aren’t very connected to their feelings. And can quickly snap out of bad moods. Just as quickly as they slip into them.

Most narcissists play nice in front of people they’re less close with. So they can instantly forget their bad mood when friends show up, and be the life and soul of the party for an audience. Although they may continue with their strop after they’ve gone – some do, some don’t.

Some narcissists continue their strop, even around friends. This is where your judgement comes in. If you feel they’ll still strop in front of company, then it’s probably not a good tactic.

Be The Bigger Person

When dealing with a narcissist, you often have to be the bigger person. You have to be the one who breaks the ice. The one who apologises first. Who stays calm. Or who acts mature when they’re acting childlike.

Narcissists can be very childish when it comes to their emotions. And may hold grudges over trivial things. They’re often hypocritical, and get annoyed with things they do themselves. But of course, it’s different when they do it.

Part of dealing with an angry narcissist is like dealing with a child. You have to expect a certain level of selfish, childish, and narcissistic behaviour. If you let it bother you too much, then you’re in for a world of pain.

Final Thoughts

It takes a lot of strength to deal with an angry narcissist. And it’s a fine balancing act between not feeding their behaviour with your attention, and not being seen as cold and uncaring.

Narcissists have a fragile self esteem. And take things as insults that the rest of us don’t notice. If you want to get on, then it’s up to you to take the reins and be the bigger person. Because frankly, they won’t.

The fact is they WILL take seemingly innocent things as insults and go into strops. And they’ll make life exceedingly uncomfortable when they do. Then to top it off, it’s YOUR responsibility to smooth things over.

Whether this is how you want to live your life is down to you. Whilst you can massively increase your skills of dealing with narcissists, it will NEVER be easy.

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How To Deal With A Narcissist