Setting boundaries with narcissists can be a nightmare. You think you’re communicating a reasonable limit, such as “Please don’t speak to me like that,” or “I can’t lend you money,”
But instead of respecting this boundary, the narcissist may challenge it, mock it, or ignore it. Then they turn it around, so that YOU feel like you’ve done something wrong.
This is why setting boundaries with narcissists can be so exhausting. The problem isn’t the boundary. It’s what happens when they refuse to accept that they can’t control you.
Here’s 15 things narcissists commonly say when you set a boundary—and what may be happening underneath those words…
“You’ve changed.”
Sometimes this statement is true. You have changed.
You may have grown more assertive. Learnt to say no. And become less willing to tolerate their bad behaviours.
Narcissists who benefited from the old version of you find this very inconvenient. So they frame things to suggest that your change is a bad thing – which it is to them!
Narcissists hope that you defend yourself by claiming you haven’t changed. Then they’ve got you. This plays into their hands, because to “prove” you haven’t changed, you must go back to your old ways of lacking boundaries.
A far better strategy is to agree, “Yes I have changed”. As this takes all the wind out of their sails!
“You’re being selfish.”
This is a classic way of making you feel guilty for putting your own needs first. Suddenly, the conversation isn’t about what you’re comfortable doing. It’s about what a bad person you are for saying no.
This accusation can get you questioning yourself. Especially if you’re naturally conscientious.
But having a boundary isn’t the same as being selfish. You’re allowed to consider your own needs, time, energy, and emotional well being. It’s not like they don’t!
“I can’t believe you’re treating me like this.”
This turns your boundary into an alleged act of cruelty. You might have calmly said…
“I’m not going to continue this conversation while you’re shouting at me.”
Instead of addressing their behaviour, they focus on how YOU are treating them. Their goal is to make you abandon your boundary, because you don’t want to be seen as the bad person.
“After everything I’ve done for you?”
This statement introduces an imaginary debt into the conversation. Perhaps they’ve helped you in the past. Maybe they haven’t. Either way, favours from the past don’t give someone unlimited access to you. Would you expect the same the other way round?
Healthy relationships involve generosity without keeping score. If every favour is ammunition for getting you to do something, then it’s not generosity. It’s leverage.
“You’re so controlling.”
Ironically, narcissists may accuse you of being controlling when you refuse to let them control you. But that’s not what a boundary is…
There’s an important difference between a demand and a boundary. A demand says…
“You must stop doing that.”
A boundary says…
“If you keep doing that, I’ll leave the conversation.”
A demand tells someone what THEY should do. A boundary tells them what YOU will do in response.
Boundaries are the best tactic, because you can’t control another person’s behaviour. But you CAN control what you’ll do in response.
“You’re overreacting.”
This can be particularly effective when you’ve already been made to doubt your feelings. Instead of discussing what happened, they make your reaction the problem. You may hear…
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“You’re far too sensitive.”
“You’re always overreacting.”
The effect can be to get you defending your emotional response. Rather than maintaining your boundary. And if you’re not careful, it can put enough doubt in your mind that you abandon your boundary alltogether.
“That’s not a boundary. That’s punishment.”
Sometimes the narcissist will redefine your boundary so you feel guilty enforcing it. For example, you might say…
“If you insult me, I’ll end the conversation.”
They may respond…
“You’re punishing me because you don’t get your own way.”
But ending a conversation because someone is insulting you isn’t a punishment. It’s you deciding what behaviour you will and won’t participate in. Which you have every right to do.
“If you loved me you’d…”
This attacks the relationship itself. The message is essentially…
“If you loved me, you’d give me what I want.”
This can be incredibly powerful if you’re emotionally attached. Because instinctively you want to reassure them. The problem is that before you know it, you’re explaining yourself instead of maintaining your boundary.
Love doesn’t need you to abandon your limits. In fact you could argue that expecting you to abandon your boundaries means THEY don’t love you.
Please CLICK HERE For How To Stop People Pleasing Narcissists
“Fine. I won’t tell you anything any more.”
This is a form of emotional pressure. The implication is…
“If you won’t give me what I want, I’ll withdraw something from you.”
This can be particularly effective if you’re used to keeping the peace. You may find yourself thinking…
“I don’t want them to shut me out.”
And suddenly you’re tempted to give in.
“You’re the only person who has a problem with me.”
This statement can create enormous self doubt. You may start wondering whether you’re the problem.
But think of this – even if you were the only person objecting to their behaviour, so what? It doesn’t automatically make your objection invalid.
Narcissists can present themselves very differently to different people. So the version of the narcissist other people see might be completely different to the version you see.
On top of this, just because other people have weak boundaries, it doesn’t mean you should too. Your boundaries are YOUR standards. And have nothing to do with anyone else.
For instance, I might have a problem with someone pushing me to eat unhealthy food. Because that’s important to me. Whereas other people might not care as much.
“You’re being just like [someone they hate].”
This is designed to hit a psychological weak spot. They may compare you with an ex, your parent, a former friend, or somebody you’ve been told is terrible. The underlying message is…
“If you keep behaving like this, you’ll become one of the “bad people”.” This can push you retreat from your boundary, because you don’t want to be in that club.
But someone disapproving of your boundary doesn’t make your boundary wrong. Especially when they have an incentive not to like it.
“If you walk away, don’t bother coming back.”
The threat of abandonment is designed to make you fear following through with your boundary. You might hear…
“If you leave now, we’re finished.”
“Go then. You’ll regret it.”
“Don’t expect me to be here when you come back.”
Sometimes this is bluffing. Sometimes it isn’t.
Either way, the important question is whether you’re prepared to accept the consequences of your own boundary.
A boundary that you immediately abandon because someone threatens to leave is not going to cut it with a narcissist unfortunately.
“You’ll regret this.”
This is more openly intimidating. But vague enough so you don’t know exactly what they mean. And that’s what can make it so frightening.
They may be referring to your relationship. They may be threatening revenge. Or they may be trying to make you anxious so you back down.
If a person’s response to a reasonable boundary becomes threatening or frightening, then take that seriously. Your safety matters more than winning the argument.
“I’m going to make sure everyone knows what you’ve done.”
This can involve threats of exposure, humiliation or reputational damage. The narcissist may portray themselves as the victim, and you as the cruel abuser.
You may feel the need to correct their story. But trying to defend against every accusation can pull you into an endless cycle of justification.
You don’t have to convince someone who’s committed to misunderstanding you. Sometimes the most effective response is to stop giving them material to argue about.
“Fine. Do what you want.”
At first glance, this may sound like they’ve accepted your boundary. But the words are often accompanied by sarcasm, resentment, or silent treatment. It’s the classic…
“Fine. Whatever.”
The danger is that you may immediately start explaining yourself. You might say…
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Let’s talk about it.”
Then the boundary disappears. Sometimes you don’t need to keep explaining. Just let them be unhappy.
Why Narcissists React So Strongly To Boundaries
A healthy person might not like every boundary you set. But they can usually recognise that you have the right to make your own decisions. But a narcissist may react very differently…
They may interpret your boundary as rejection, disrespect, or a loss of control. That’s why something as simple as saying “No” can turn into a huge argument.
The narcissist may try different approaches to get you to reverse your decision…
First they might try guilt.
Then anger.
Then victimhood.
Then threats.
Then affection or an apology.
The tactic can change, but their objective remains the same. And that’s to get you to abandon your boundary.
Please CLICK HERE For How Narcissists Test Your Boundaries
Don’t Confuse Their Reaction With Your Responsibility
One of the biggest lessons when dealing with narcissists is learning that their emotional reaction belongs to them.
You can set a reasonable boundary respectfully. They can still get angry.
You can say no politely. They can still accuse you of being selfish.
You can refuse to argue. They can still call you uncaring.
Remember, their reaction doesn’t automatically tell you that your boundary was wrong. In fact, the strength of someone’s reaction often tells you how much they benefited from you not having the boundary in the past.
What Should You Say When A Narcissist Pushes Your Boundary?
You don’t always need a clever comeback. In many situations, less is more. Try keeping your responses short and calm…
“I’ve already explained my position.”
“I’m not discussing this any more.”
“You’re entitled to disagree.”
“I’m going to end this conversation now.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
Notice something about these responses. They don’t contain lengthy explanations. That’s important because the more you explain, the more material you give them argue against.
The Boundary Isn’t the Threat. It’s The Follow Through.
A boundary isn’t just telling someone what you want them to do. It’s deciding what YOU will do if they don’t respect it. For example…
Weak boundary…
“Stop shouting at me.”
Stronger boundary…
“If you keep shouting, I’m ending the conversation.”
And then you follow through.
You don’t have to shout. You don’t have to threaten. You don’t even have to convince them that your boundary is reasonable. You act on the decision you’ve already made. Because that decision involves your life, and it belongs to you.
Please CLICK HERE For My Tips For Setting Boundaries With Narcissists
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