If you’re a child of a narcissist, or have been in a narcissist relationship, then you’ve likely been moulded to some degree into a people pleaser.
A people pleaser is someone who habitually puts others needs before their own. Often to their own detriment, and sometimes to the point of self neglect.
People pleasers struggle saying no and setting boundaries. Which causes burnout and resentment over time.
If you can stop people pleasing, then your quality of life will massively improve. As will your mental and physical health. To help you, here’s some practical tips to help you stop people pleasing…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Replace Yes With A Pause
People pleasing is usually automatic. Plus narcissists like to rush you into decisions, so you agree to what they want. So it’s helpful to pause when someone asks you for something. Rather than automatically saying yes.
Saying things like “Let me think about it” gives you time to think things through. Rather than react with an automatic yes that you later regret.
If someone doesn’t respect this, then they clearly don’t have your best interests at heart. Because they’d rather rush you into making bad decisions for yourself, so long as it’s good for them. Anyone worth their salt would respect you taking your time with an answer.
Decide Your Non Negotiables
Get it crystal clear in your mind the things you won’t do. Your boundaries and your limits.
This might be things like not accepting phone calls after 9PM. Lying for someone. Or doing favours when you’re tired or ill.
It may help to write them down, so you’re absolutely clear on your boundaries. Then once you’re clear, you can quickly say no if any request conflicts with your list of non negotiables.
This eliminates deciding based on pressure or guilt. Because you’ve made your mind up before they’ve had chance to influence you.
Practice Saying No Without Explanation
Over explaining is people pleasing in disguise. It hands over power, because it tells the narcissist they have control over you, since you feel you owe them an explanation for your sovereignty.
Over explaining invites negotiation. Because narcissists will pick at your reasoning. And they’ll try to convince you that your reasoning is flawed. For example they may call you selfish. Or suggest that you’re being too cautious.
Remember, it’s your life, and YOU get to decide what to do with it. Not the narcissist. You wouldn’t expect them to do things they wouldn’t want to do, just to please you.
Say things like…
“Sorry I can’t right now.”
“I’m not available then.”
“I can’t do that.”
This will feel awkward at first. But the more you do it, the more comfortable you feel.
Expect Discomfort And Don’t Fix It
Narcissists often try to create an uncomfortable situation when asking for something. And sadly people pleasers instinct is to rush to make other people feel comfortable.
People pleasers often instinctively agree to avoid discomfort. And narcissists pick up on this trait, and use it to their advantage.
So when you next refuse a request, take a few slow deep breaths and allow the moment to continue. Don’t rush to smooth things over. Allow the awkward moment to sit. Remember, the narcissist instigated this, not you.
The narcissists emotions are not your responsibility. If they asked for something unreasonable, and got an awkward answer, then it’s on them. They took the risk by asking. So why should you bend to make them feel better?
Ask Yourself “What Do I Want?”
As a people pleaser, you may find that you don’t even consider what you want in a situation. It just doesn’t cross your mind.
So get in the habit of asking yourself what you want. Ask yourself “Do I really want to do this?”. “What would I choose if no one got mad?”.
If you consciously remind yourself to do this, it eventually becomes a habit. So you no longer routinely put yourself last.
Remember, anyone who cares about you wouldn’t push you to do something that you don’t want to do. Your preferences matter.
Separate Kindness From Self Sacrifice
Kindness doesn’t require self abandonment. It comes from choice, not obligation. But when narcissists mould us, they want us to equate love with sacrifice.
Narcissists want you to believe that if you don’t sacrifice yourself for them, then it must mean you don’t love them. So you drop everything when they snap their fingers. But you can flip this script. If they loved you, then they wouldn’t expect you to sacrifice yourself for them.
When you freely choose to help someone, it’s energising. When it’s out of obligation, it’s draining.
Ask yourself whether you’re helping because you want to. Or because you worry how this may be perceived. Because this should reveal where your true intentions lie.
Final Thoughts
Stopping people pleasing isn’t about being cold or harsh. It’s about being honest and real with your wants and needs.
The goal isn’t to avoid helping others. It’s to help when you want to, on your terms. Without losing yourself in the process.
If you do things for others when you don’t want to, it builds resentment. Which over time also harms the person you were reluctantly helping. Because you naturally feel more negative feelings towards them.
So do yourself and them a favour. Take a breath when someone asks you for something. And decide whether YOU want to do it. Because no one should expect you to do things against your will. And a narcissist certainly wouldn’t do this for you.
Some people, especially those from narcissist parents, aren’t people pleasers, they’re “echoists”. It’s similar, but with some crucial differences. Please click the following link to learn more about echoism…
Please CLICK HERE For More On Echoism
