Narcissists notoriously test boundaries. And there’s a simple reason why…
In relationships, narcissists want to use and abuse as much as possible. They aspire to take as much as they can, whilst giving back as little as possible. So they test boundaries to see what they can get away with.
Narcissists usually start relationships with gentle tests. Before upping the intensity over time. Even they realise it’s best to play nice at the beginning.
Narcissists have a variety of methods to test your boundaries. Here’s some of the ways narcissists test boundaries…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Invade Personal Space
Narcissists may test your physical boundaries by standing closer than convention dictates. Or by touching you in increasingly intimate places.
Narcissists test how uncomfortable this makes you appear. Plus more importantly, what you tolerate.
If the narcissist senses that you allow their invasions despite feeling uncomfortable, then they know your boundaries are negotiable. So you’re exploitable.
Subtle Boundary Violations
In the early days of friendships and relationships, narcissists test with small or subtle boundary violations. Because they don’t want to push new people away.
So they may interrupt you mid sentence. Borrow something small without asking. Or persuade you to change your mind when you say no.
These smaller boundary violations help them gauge what you’re willing to tolerate. Which equates to what they can get away with.
Subtle boundary violations also prime you to get used to relaxing your boundaries around them. Which gives them a good base to spring from.
Increasingly Unreasonable Demands
Over time, narcissists ask for increasingly unreasonable favours. Things that aren’t normal in regular relationships. Such as helping them clean their home. Or borrowing money all the time.
This helps them find the limit of what you’re prepared to do. Because they don’t stop increasing their demands until you put a stop to it.
Every unreasonable demand sets a precedent for future demands. Because it establishes a base that they can build on.
Personal Questions
Narcissists may test your boundaries by asking increasingly personal questions. To find the limits of what you’ll share. Plus what type of pressure achieves this.
They may reveal information about themselves, to draw you in. Act offended if you don’t share something. Or even bully information out of you.
Narcissists hope to find the best tactic to open your book. Because this allows them to mine information they can later use against you. Plus it confirms their control over you.
Lateness
Narcissists may test you by turning up late. Then act like nothing’s wrong.
Not only do they get a power trip from making you wait, but they also test your response. If you look annoyed but don’t challenge them, then you’re likely to turn a blind eye to other things.
Narcissists are late to let you know they control the relationship. And to let you know they’re superior to you. So in their mind, if you accept their lateness, you also accept their superiority.
Flirting In Front Of You
If you’re in a romantic relationship, then the narcissist may subtly flirt with others, right in front of you. Then test your reaction.
If you confront them, then they know they can make you jealous with their shenanigans. But may accuse you of being controlling and jealous, to get the upper hand. And make you feel like you’ve done something wrong.
But if you turn a blind eye, then it’s a green light to do this more. Because you’ve now accepted this behaviour. Either way, you can’t win.
Rush You
Some narcissists manufacturer urgency to rush you. They may hurry you when eating, drinking, or even going to the bathroom.
The narcissist tests to see if this creates panic, and makes you rush. Because if it does, then they have another tool to control you. Plus it establishes them as the boss, if you respond to their rushing.
Narcissists instinctively know it’s difficult to think straight and question things when in panic mode. Plus they get a power trip from snapping their fingers, and rushing people into action. So if they can panic you, they gain more control.
Insults Dressed As Jokes
Narcissists are notorious for using jokes to mask insults. Because it lets them test your resilience, whilst giving them plausible deniability.
Over time, narcissists increase the intensity and frequency of their insults, to see what you tolerate. Once you react, they know where your line is.
The beauty (for them) is that if you challenge their insult, they can backtrack and claim they were joking. Then switch the blame to you, for being “too sensitive”. Which usually gets them off the hook.
Once they know what insults trigger you, they have a weapon. Which they may use to punish. Publicly humiliate. Or make you appear crazy, if you react in front of others.
Guilt Tripping / Playing The Victim
More covert narcissists may test your emotional resilience by guilt tripping and playing the victim. Rather than by using force.
They may create a sob story when you exercise a boundary. Or play the victim before making a “request”. Knowing you’re more likely to comply if you feel sorry for them.
Narcissists hope their emotional manipulation convinces you to relax your boundaries. Because if it does, then they have another tool to violate your boundaries.
Have An Outburst
The narcissist may test you with an angry outburst at something you said or did. Then gauge your reaction.
If you fight back, then they know their outbursts trigger an argument out of you. But if you get intimidated and placate them, then they’ve struck gold. Because they can have an angry outburst whenever they want your compliance.
Say “I love You”
Narcissists may tell you that they love you after two weeks of knowing you. And whilst this may feel like a whirlwind romantic gesture, there’s a more sinister twist.
Narcissists want to see how you react. Do you throw your arms round them because you’re already madly in love? Do you say nothing? Or do you feel bad and return the sentiment, even though you don’t actually love them?
If you tell them you love them, then it’s hard to back track from this position. Because they can always say, “But I thought you loved me? What’s changed”
But if you don’t say “I love you” back, then they can act hurt. And make you feel like the bad guy. Which is known as a double bind.
Boundary Reaction
If you put up a boundary, the narcissist may test it by reacting in the following ways…
Anger
The narcissist may react angrily, to see if you cave under this pressure. Hoping you back down to appease them.
Upset
The narcissist may act upset. Hoping this tugs at your heart strings, so you back down through guilt.
Punishment
The narcissist may punish, in response to your boundary. So you cave in, or at least think twice next time.
Once the narcissist knows which approach works best, they rinse and repeat.
Threaten To End The Relationship
The ultimate test to your boundaries is threatening the end of the relationship. Because if they get this right, it gives them almost total control.
If you cave in when the narcissist threatens to leave, then they have almost complete control of the relationship. Because they know that you care about the relationship more than they do. So they can threaten to leave, any time they want your compliance. And you’re likely to fold.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists constantly test boundaries during most relationships. Especially with people they consider beneath them. Because they need to confirm how much control they have.
Plus narcissists are bottomless pits. So the level of control they have now, is never enough. So they constantly test, and push boundaries to gain more tactical advantage.
This means narcissists never stop testing your boundaries. They’re relentless, because they’re always competing for more. So you’re unlikely to ever get a fair shake.
Please CLICK HERE For How Narcissists Use Double Binds Against You
