Although narcissists act with an air of superiority, it’s common for them to play the victim. Especially if they’re covert narcissists.
Playing the victim is beneficial to narcissists for a number of reasons. Some are obvious, and some less so. Here’s what narcissists gain from playing the victim…
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I’m Special
Narcissists believe they’re special. Whilst they may brag about their wealth, success etc. This may also brag about illnesses, poverty, and other unfortunate situations. āI’m more ill than you.ā
Many narcissists I’ve known seem to WANT to be ill at times. One I knew often asked āDo I look ill?ā. And was delighted if you answered yes. But he wasn’t best pleased if you said he looked fine!
I’ve noticed that narcissists HATE it when others are ill. That’s THEIR domain! They can seem angry, and are often antagonistic. Sometimes they act like they don’t believe you’re ill. Or they state they’re probably more ill than you. Yes, narcissists even compete over who’s the most ill!
That’s because they feel threatened. Your illness threatens their special status. They want to be the one who’s centre of attention. They want everyone gathering round saying āPoor you.ā
A Means Of Control
Narcissists often play the victim to control people. They know if people feel sorry for them, they’ll do things for them.
The classic is when they play on mental or physical ailments for attention. āYou need to come and see me now. I’m feeling so low I don’t know what I’ll do.ā
A narcissist parent may play on being old and ailing. āYou won’t help out your old Mother?ā
Narcissists sense when you feel bad for them. And will play on this to get what they want.
Narcissists Actually Feel Victimised
Narcissists often genuinely feel they are being victimised. When anything goes āwrongā in their lives, they don’t look at how they can make improvements.
They look outward at what they can blame. It’s much easier on their ego, than taking a long look in the mirror.
It’s not their fault, they’re perfect!
Narcissists look to point blame on anything that’s not them. They’re in a bad mood ā that’s YOUR fault for making them feel that way. They’re in a low paid job ā no one understands their brilliance, because EVERYONE is stupid!
Narcissists would rather blame the whole world, than look at themselves. This stops them learning and growing.
Divert Attention From Their Behaviour
Narcissists also play the victim to divert attention from their behaviours. Narcissists often victimise others. But hide in the shadow of being the victim themselves.
For instance a narcissist may feel jealous towards someone. But rather than admit this to themselves and others, they claim that person is jealous of THEM. Classic narcissist projection!
Narcissists also bend facts to make them the victim. They might bully someone for no reason. And when they fight back, play the victim. Conveniently forgetting they’re own behaviour sparked the conflict.
I remember a narcissist I worked with many years ago. Someone got the promotion she felt entitled to. So she waged a campaign of hate for months. All the while masquerading as the victim.
In her narrative, she was the poor victim who was overlooked for promotion. And blamed the other person for being friends with the manager.
Meanwhile she viciously attacked the other person. Giving the silent treatment, and generally making her life hell.
Narcissists also play the victim to excuse their behaviour. They make out they lead a hard, downtrodden life. Expecting people to make allowances for them. And often they do.
Final Thoughts
There’s many benefits for narcissists playing the victim. A Narcissist likes to blame the world at large for THEIR failings. It’s much easier for their fragile egos to handle. Plus they gain special treatment.
Narcissists are sometimes trapped between being the victim, and being better than everybody else. They might brag how wealthy and successful they are one minute, then cry poverty the next.
If you pull them up on their inconsistencies, they wriggle and worm their way out of it. They want the best of both worlds. They want to be brilliant AND a victim. And if you challenge them on this, they’ll probably blame you!
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‘Why the sharp intake of breath?’ asked my husband – and then, when I read out what you said about narcissists and illness, ‘That’s you mother!’ Mother actually smacked me on several occasions I was ill. I learnt to conceal illness. She used her illness, real and unproved, to control us and to avoid doing things she didn’t want to do. Even when my Dad looked as though he would end up in a wheelchair with rheumatoid arthritis, it was all about her and her worries. Luckily drug treatment arrested it, but he was often in pain – nevertheless he would take her tea in bed before he went to work because she was ‘delicate’. Just about as delicate as the Berlin Wall! Lived to 96, where just beginning to show signs of dementia, she forgot she had the rheumatism that she had complained about all my life. She has left me reluctant to admit illness, or seek medical help when I should. I really should have realised before, but your words almost hit me with their accurate description of the woman I knew.
When the chips are down, narcissist are the last people to step up. It’s THEM that are supposed to be catered for! I’ve noticed pretty much every narcissist I’ve known hates it when others are ill or in need.
Brilliant! Does it make sense that NOW [that] I understand the chaos in our relationship, Iām giddy to just sit back and shake my head? Is this realization of truth part of the process of leaving a narcissist? I hope so.
Pretty much the same thing happened to me when I started reading up on narcissism. So many things my ex did were described down to a tee. I think they must have a narcissists text book! But seriously, they are usually surprisingly predictable once you learn their patterns and way of thinking. That’s why I think EVERYBODY should learn about them. The biggest thing I took from my learning was that the relationship failure was not my fault. Even though she made out it was. I no longer blame myself, which means I can move on.
Good for you. But you have to take responsibility for your part too. Can’t complain about what you allow in your life.
I totally agree Elle. If you don’t take responsibility, then you’re likely to allow to to happen again.