Many narcissists I’ve known flirt directly in front of their partners. Some are outrageous flirts, especially when lubricated with alcohol or drugs. But the majority seem to be subtle flirts. And they devise many ways of flirting without their partners being able to call them out on it.
They might for example stand a little closer than societal norms. Or gaze into someone’s eyes a split second longer than convention dictates. And this leaves their partners confused. Their gut knows something’s wrong. But they can’t put their finger on it
And even if they do suss what’s going on, the narcissist of course denies everything. And typically accuses their partner of being jealous, crazy, or paranoid. Which usually puts them back into the confused state – “Is it me, or is it them?”
The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. They know it’s almost impossible to not sound jealous, crazy, or paranoid, when saying “why do you keep looking at that person for a second longer than necessary?” Especially when they completely deny what they’re up to.
Subtle flirting rarely has negative consequences for narcissists. But it offers many benefits. Which is why many do it.
So, why do narcissists flirt in front of their partners? Here’s some of the things I think narcissists get out of flirting in front of their partners…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists Flirt To Make You Jealous
A little jealousy in a relationship can be flattering and cute. And it confirms that your partner has feelings for you. However “a little jealousy” usually isn’t enough for most narcissists. They want you to be insanely jealous.
Narcissists need more external validation and reassurance than neuro-typicals. So they need more jealousy to confirm they’re wanted.
Narcissists lack empathy, so they don’t normally share in their partners feelings. Meaning they rarely truly connect. This can lead to them feeling unloved and unwanted.
Narcissists often provoke jealousy to compensate for this. They reason that if they can make you jealous, then you must care. But they don’t remain satisfied for long.
Narcissists are like bottomless pits when it comes to needing external validation.. So they soon follow up with more jealousy provoking behaviour. And they might “up the anti” over time, displaying increasingly outrageous behaviours. All of which are designed to make you even more jealous than before.
Narcissists Flirt To Cause Arguments
Most people want to go about their day in peace, without conflicts or arguments. But narcissists get bored of this. And sometimes cause arguments to spice things up.
Narcissists spend a lot of their time divorced from their emotions. Like a protective suit of armour around them. If they don’t feel anything, then no-one can hurt them. But this comes at a price.
Narcissists don’t feel as many positive emotions either. Like love, and happiness. This leaves them feeling flat, and empty inside. Which can lead to depression and other symptoms of ill mental health.
A good argument gets their blood racing, and makes them feel alive. Which is why they sometimes do things to provoke you. And flirting in front of you might be one of the tools they use to spark a reaction.
Make You Possessive
Narcissists also like to flirt in front of their partners to make them more possessive. A narcissist knows that if their partner is possessive, then they control the relationship.
The narcissist knows that you worry when you’re not around them. If they flirt like that in front of you, then what are they like when you’re not around?
This causes their partner to drop everything when the narcissist wants their attention. Because you feel insecure and want to make sure they’re not playing away from home.
Narcissists can play on this no end. They can for example go on a night out with their friends. And they know they can snap their fingers at any point during the night, and you’ll come running. They might for example decide they want a lift home, or some other favour. And you’ll gladly oblige, because you don’t trust them.
This creates a sort of trauma bond, where you want to be around them all the time. Not because you love them so much, but because you can’t trust them. But this can easily be confused with having deep and powerful feelings for them.
To Increase Their Stock
Many narcissists like to subtly flirt to entice others to flirt back. This is to increase their perceived stock. Narcissists naturally consider themselves a highly desirable prize. And they want you to think the same. Encouraging flirting allows them to continue living in their cosy delusions of grandeur and superiority. Look, everybody wants me!
The more you feel your partner is a highly prized object, the more narcissistic behaviours you’ll put up with. Plus the more you’ll do for them. They want you to put them on a pedestal, and worship the ground they walk on.
If you think there’s a long queue of interested parties, then you know you must up your game to keep them. Plus you may be fooled into thinking that they’re really worth their weight in gold. This is designed to make you work hard to keep them sweet. Which means more for them, and less for you.
Narcissists Flirt To Test You
Narcissists often flirt in front of their partners to test them. And as I’ve already mentioned, narcissists’ lack of empathy often leaves them unsure if they’re truly loved. So they sometimes feel the need to test their partners. And they usually use twisted logic.
The narcissist reasons that if they treat you badly and you forgive them, then this proves your love for them. And the worse they treat you and you still forgive them, the more you must love them.
So they may start out with minor flirting, then over time turn up the dial. Once the narcissist knows you forgive the minor stuff, they need to increase the heat to learn just how much you love them.
The narcissist gradually increases the regularity and intensity of their flirting. And often it goes too far in the end.
They LOVE Attention
Some narcissists flirt in front of their partners simply because they can’t resist it. Narcissists harbour delusions of superiority and are constantly looking for affirmation of their brilliance. Someone flirting with them provides this.
When a narcissist sees an opportunity to flirt, they’re usually like a kid in a candy store. They want the attention that badly. And all thoughts of their poor partners fly out the window.
Not all narcissists cheat, but a lot do. And the majority seek some sort of attention outside their relationships. In fact narcissists love flattery and attention so much, it’s often the best tactic to use if you want to manipulate them!
Triangulation
Narcissists also like to flirt in front of their partners to triangulate them. Triangulation is where a narcissists plays two people off against each other. They pull the strings, and reap the rewards.
The narcissist flirting in front of their partner can be them issuing a warning that they’d better buck up their ideas, or risk losing them. And it’s also a message to the person they’re flirting with. If you’re really kind to me, who knows what might happen!
They then have a situation where two people are fighting for their attention. And the narcissist benefits from playing them off against each other.
The more malicious narcissists may want to create an argument, or a fight. What’s more flattering than two people publicly fighting over them? This gives them much needed narcissistic supply, and bolsters their delusions of superiority.
Final Thoughts
As well as receiving much needed attention, flirting in front of their partners provides many other benefits for narcissists. They want the attention, they want the drama, and they want to confuse you. Because a confused person is more controllable.
When narcissists flirt in front of their partners, they put you in a no-win situation. If you react then you’re insanely jealous. And they’ll throw this in your face at every opportunity. But if you don’t react, then you don’t love them enough. And therefore you must be punished.
Mentally you’re walking on a tightrope, where you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Flirting in front of their partners is one of many toxic behaviours narcissists display in their relationships. Narcissists thirst for attention and supply is virtually unquenchable. And often their partners cannot provide enough on their own.
Not all narcissists cheat, but many do. Flirting could be a sign of their intentions to cheat. But it might just be their attempts to bolster their fragile egos. Or to place you beneath them, so they can dominate the relationship.
Either way it’s usually hurtful to their partners. And isn’t the behaviour of someone who has your best interests at heart.
The real test comes when you challenge them over their flirting. If they take your concerns seriously and change their ways, then all’s good and well. But if they dismiss you as being jealous or controlling, then you must question how much they care.
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My ex-partner used to talk about other women he knew and would flirt with others whenever we went out. But he really did NOT like it if I spoke to another man, even the waiter!
At first it used to upset me, then over time I realised it was because of his sad craving for constant admiration and validation, so I just used to ignore it. I knew it was because of the vulnerable side of the narcissistic personality and that he had to go home with me anyway, because he was staying at my house!
Then, one evening, we were all dressed up and ready to leave the house for an evening out and I stopped, looked him in the eye and said; ‘OK, if you want to chat up the waitress, or talk to the women at the next table, that is absolutely fine by me. But please be aware that I will then chat up the waiter and talk to the men standing at the bar. Because whatever you can do, I can do.’
He looked me in the eye, said nothing, but never flirted again. Sometimes, a dose of their own medicine is the best response.
Over time my love for him just died, like a flame slowly going out. And he realised. In the end I discarded him, not he me. He went absolutely berserk and I saw the ‘narcissistic rage’. I realise now that, deep down, he was terrified of feeling inadequate and not being admired / loved, which is what I had the nerve to do!
A few evenings ago, I watched ‘The Wife’, starring Glen Close. It can be found on Netflix, so do watch it if you can. I so empathised with the wife in the drama. But watch out for the ending!…
Wow, that was really good what you did. You was clear, and used total logic, and he couldn’t really argue with it. I did a similar thing, but it wasn’t quite as effective! My ex started talking about having more male friends. I said, yeh that’s fine, as long as it’s OK for me to have female friends. She then stated that it was different. I asked why. Her explanation was that the male is likely to fancy the female. So I shouldn’t have female friends, but she was perfectly fine having female friends. Talk about hypocrisy!
My ex narc and I broke up 5 weeks ago. He is a nurse and has always had many female “friends”. I think they are friends in their minds, but in his mind, they are admirers. He was acting so strange this summer so upon looking in his phone I found inappropriate text messages between him and a female coworker. He was crossing boundaries with the language he was using and so was she. After telling him I found this, he told me I misinterpreted the texts and was blowing the entire thing out of proportion. He continued to call people from a private room upstairs in our house and never comment on who he was taking to. He would FaceTime random women from work and constantly text women I didn’t know. Always telling me to stop being so controlling. When I was just feeling so disrespected foe lack of transparency .
Narcissists like to live in delusions of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love. It totally makes sense he was kidding himself that they all adore him. It’s what narcissists do! I hope you’re healing and recovering Susan.
Thanks Jon. I’m trying my best to feel better.
I promise, it gets easier with time. Hang in there!