You’ve probably noticed that narcissists are better talkers than listeners. And dominate most conversations.
You may see the narcissists eyes glaze over when you speak. As they’re searching for more pearls of wisdom. Rather than letting your words resonate.
The narcissists may offer vague answers at best. Which imply they weren’t listening to you. And at worst, completely blank you.
You may also notice that narcissists don’t retain what you tell them. And despite a long detailed conversation, they may not even remember having it. Which shows the lack of attention they’re paying.
Why don’t narcissists listen? Here’s a run down of why narcissists don’t listen to others…
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Delusions Of Superiority
Narcissists kid themselves that they’re superior. So what they say is of utmost importance to humanity. And everyone should hang on to their words.
You, on the other hand, are inferior. And your words are insignificant. So the narcissist doesn’t waste their energy listening to you. Because there’s nothing to be gained.
This might sound crazy, but it’s how narcissists think. Narcissists self esteem is so shaky, they have to constantly prove themselves. And in their mind, delivering long monologues “proves” their superiority.
Talking is active. Whereas listening is passive. And many narcissists see talking as a sign of dominance. So they’re more willing to talk, than listen. Because to narcissists, a show of dominance is vital to their psychological make up.
Narcissistic Supply
You may notice that the closer you get with narcissists, the less they listen. So if you’re in a romantic relationship or related, they probably listen to you less than they would a stranger. This is down to narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply is the attention and validation narcissists need. As they psychologically crumble without it. But narcissists prefer supply from someone new. Because winning over someone new is more of a challenge, and therefore more rewarding. Which gives them greater supply.
So narcissists try less with people they’re familiar with. Because winning them over is not an issue. And there’s less supply to be sourced. So they don’t even pretend to listen. Because, why should they?
So you may find that the narcissist dismisses something you say. Then weeks later a stranger says the same thing. And the narcissist hangs on every word. And applauds their genius. Which can be irritating and frustrating.
Sense Of Entitlement
Narcissists believe they’re entitled to more than most. And this has nothing to do with merit.
Narcissists believe they’re entitled through birth right. And the universe owes them for being superior. Even if they’ve achieved nothing of note.
If the narcissist likes talking, which most do, then they feel entitled to dominate conversations. Because they’re superior. And people should be grateful to them for sharing their superior intellect.
So narcissist aren’t worried about doing all the talking, and denying others a chance to speak. Because it’s their right to dominate conversations.
Jealousy
Although they may look like adults, most narcissists have the emotional maturity of a child. And it’s amazing how small things trigger massive jealousy.
A narcissist may get jealous if you know more about something than them. If you’re a better talker than them. Or if you live a more successful life.
To remedy this, the narcissist may decline to ask you about things you’re doing. And change the subject to themselves. Through fear that you may be doing well, and trigger their jealousy. So instead they bombard you with trivial tales, to give you no chance of out shining them.
You may be excited to have recently signed a book deal. But instead of asking how it’s going, the narcissist talks about their new shoes. Because they want to shut you down, rather than give you the chance to share your success.
Lack Of Empathy
Most narcissists enjoy talking about their favourite subject – themselves. And because they have impaired empathy, they don’t flip the script. And consider how tedious it must be to listen to their biography.
Instead, the narcissist has a great time. Talking at you for hours. Regaling you with tales of their youth. Without the slightest concern that you might find this boring.
Narcissists find talking enjoyable and energising. And assume you must be having an equally good time listening.
Your needs, and the reality of the situation, don’t enter their mind. Which is why they can talk non stop for hours, without feeling bad. Their lack of empathy means they don’t consider their audience.
Devaluation
Narcissists usually devalue their partner once a relationship is established. This is where they use subtle and increasingly more blatant put downs. To establish their dominance.
The point of devaluation is to lift themselves up, by tearing you down. And ignoring you is one of their tool of devaluation. Because it subtly tells you that you’re less important than them. As they don’t even dignify you with an answer. Which is very disrespectful if you think about it.
So you may find that your narcissist partner blanks you when you ask a question. Even though they clearly heard you. Just to let you know your place.
Final thoughts
Narcissists don’t listen for many reasons. But have no problem listening when they need to. If their boss, or someone important talks, they listen. If a new flame they’re love bombing talks, they listen.
Narcissists don’t listen when there’s no benefit in doing so. Which shows their self absorbed natures.
Conversations are one of life’s joys. But only when done right. With each person given a fair chance to talk.
But narcissists ruin this dynamic by their unwillingness to listen. And whilst they may think this demonstrates their superiority, they’re missing out on one of life’s gifts. Because no one wants a conversation with a bore who speaks in monologues.
Inevitably people avoid narcissists who talk too much. And they miss out on sharing peoples thoughts, experiences, and opinions. But because they’re so self absorbed, they have no idea what they’re missing out on.
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