If you’ve known a narcissist for a while, you’ve probably noticed their unquenchable thirst for drama. It seems that as soon as one drama ends, another begins.
Most neuro-typicals avoid drama. But narcissists relish it. And attract drama like flies round…you know what.
Why do narcissists create drama? What do they get out of it? Here’s some of my thoughts on why narcissists cause drama…
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To Feel Alive
Narcissists clunk around in protective suits of armour. Shielding themselves from their emotions. Narcissists want to avoid pain, often because they’ve felt so much in their past. So they suppress their feelings as much as they can.
They think this makes them strong. And in many ways it does. They have less fear. They go for what THEY want. And have less concern for anyone who stands in their way. But there’s a price to pay.
Feeling flat.
In their mind, showing emotions is a sign of weakness. Whether it’s positive or negative. Being upset is a sign of weakness. And so is happiness.
Narcissists are usually “too cool for school”. And don’t like to admit that something makes them happy. Because anything that makes them feel ANY emotion challenges their omnipotence.
So narcissists distance themselves from their feelings. Leaving them flat and empty. A shell of a person. And whilst it serves their delusions of grandeur. It leaves them restless, bored, and yearning for more.
Drama breathes life into their darkened souls. They feel a surge of energy as other peoples emotions run high. They pulled the strings. And now everyone’s dancing to their tune.
To Take Centre Stage
Narcissists expect to be centre of attention most of the time. And they hate the thought of standing in the shadows.
Drama places the narcissist firmly in the spot light. They can either be in the thick of the action. Or goad others, to play the peacemaker. Narcissists usually wait until there’s an audience before their act begins. So they can milk as much attention as possible.
Narcissists are well known for creating drama at other people’s celebrations. And if you think about it, this is the perfect stage. There’s already a crowd, and someone else has stolen THEIR limelight. How dare they.
During my wedding, my narcissist mother-in-law tried her heart out to cause an argument with the organisers. It was beyond ridiculous the things she complained about. She even referred to it as “my wedding”. Luckily she failed to steal the show. But it wasn’t through want of trying.
Attention
If you’re close to the narcissist, then they expect your undivided attention the second they demand it. And if you don’t comply, they may create drama to get it.
Narcissists have the emotional maturity of a toddler. And when they demand attention, they show this side.
I’ve seen narcissists start pointless arguments. Literally throw things. And even push people over. And these were middle-aged narcissists! All because they weren’t getting the attention they felt they deserved.
If they’re feeling particularly grown up, they might talk about controversial things to set you off. Such as inflammatory political comments. Or how good looking someone is at work.
People might shout and swear at the narcissist. And think they’ve put them in their place. But really they’ve played into their hands.
Like a petulant young child, if a narcissist can’t get positive attention, they’ll settle for negative. And a good argument or telling off still fuels their fire. Yes, they’re happy you’re focussing on them. Even if you’re telling them how awful they are.
It’s best not to rise to their provocations. Not only is it playing into their hands, but they learn how to trigger you for next time.
Narcissists Expect Special Treatment
Narcissists expect special treatment. In fact they demand it. And when they don’t get it, all hell breaks loose.
Narcissists live in fairy tale castles, deluding themselves into thinking they’re more deserving than the rest of humanity. So when reality kicks in, which it inevitably does, the narcissists goes on the rampage.
Narcissists create huge dramas over the most minor things. All because they’re treated like everybody else. The very nerve of it.
Narcissists Play People Against Each Other
Narcissists drama is an excellent tool for triangulation. This is where they play two or more people off against each other.
The narcissist switches roles between victim, persecutor, and rescuer. And bait people into disliking each other.
A narcissist may for example persecute Friend A, until they bite back. Then play victim to Friend B, making it out that the retaliation was unprovoked. Friend B naturally wants to rescue the narcissist. Causing a rift between Friends A and B.
The narcissist may do this to gain sympathy and favours from friend B. Or as punishment to friend A, for something they’ve supposedly done wrong.
To Put You In Your Place
Narcissists also turn to drama to put people in their place. They might pretend to be offended by something you’ve said or done. Or not said and not done! Then go to town on it.
The narcissist knows that you don’t like drama and conflict. And you avoid it if you can. So they turn the screw to make you feel as anxious as possible.
The narcissist knows that once you’ve felt their wrath, you’ll do almost anything to appease them. Giving them the upper hand. And they can keep turning the screw, watching you squirm and suffer. Just to show you who’s boss.
To Distract From Their Behaviours
Deep down, narcissists know their behaviours are wrong. Which is why they cover them up. But that doesn’t mean they strive to change. Hell no!
Narcissists create war all around them. With different sides, double agents, and wavering allegiances. And when the dust settles, no ones sure who started it, and what really went on.
Narcissists can turn peace loving hippies into warmongering savages. And those unaccustomed to conflict are left distressed and confused.
The narcissist smiles at the complexity of the situation. Happy with a job well done. Dragging everyone down to their level, to hide in plain sight.
The narcissist then gets away with bad behaviours because they’ve created a toxic mess. If everyone was acting good, then they’d stand out like a sore thumb. But if they create a war, then their behaviours go largely unnoticed.
To Feel Important
Narcissists also create drama to feel important. They truly believe that everyone focusses on them as much as they do. And the world is watching and talking about their trivial games.
Narcissists sometimes act like they’re high profile “A Listers”. Like Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. And believe the whole world recoils from the shock waves of their trivial dramas.
I’ve witnessed narcissists believe that their petty work place feuds warrant a mention in the mainstream media. And listened as they talk at length about contacting national newspapers and Members of Parliament.
Narcissists are obsessed with themselves. And they want the whole world to be equally obsessed. A good old drama fuels their belief that they matter as much as they think.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists hold a significant advantage over almost everyone else. And that is they lack empathy.
They know “weak” empathetic people lay awake at night, worrying about the drama they created. Whilst the narcissist sleep like a log. Probably until dinner time the next day!
The narcissists’ detachment from their feelings allows them to create drama after drama. Hurting and controlling those around them. With little damage to their own conscience.
The only way to win is to not play. Because anything you do is playing into their hands. And even when you refuse to play, it’s not really a win. It’s just a way of clinging on to what bit of sanity you have left.
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I painfully have discovered that the narcissist starts fights and drama when they do something wrong (flirting in your presence at an event) in order to avoid a serious discussion and put you on defense.
Mine did steal a considerable amount of valuables and was looking for objects in my drawers while I was asleep at night. If I woke up, he was complaining that he had to go sleep on the sofa because I was snoring (not true) or my wall electronic clock was making noise (crazy). He was making a fight so he could get away with stealing.
Yeh, drama’s a great deflection tactic for them. The snoring thing is a good go to as it’s difficult to disprove, and there’s not much you can do about it!
i am taking the runup to the last hurdle, I’m starving the narc of any emotion & no contact (silent treatment) my stuff is packed & I sleep on the couch, it’s obvious, I don’t love him anymore & ready to go. He, on the other hand is in denial gets around like normal & seems oblivious to it all, I understand its a dangerous time for us both, the longer I stay the worse its getting, I know what’s in store & can’t stop it, he will end his life.
I obviously don’t know your situation too well Sharon, but narcissists sometimes act oblivious in an attempt to make you change your mind. My ex acted oblivious the day after I confronted her about her cheating, and told her I was leaving her. I think she was hoping that if she acted normal, I’d forget about the whole thing!