Throughout the years, I’ve met people who feel unsettling to be around. Giving me an awkward and anxious feeling. But I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt this way.

It’s only years later, and with hindsight, that I realise it’s because they were narcissists. And my emotions were screaming at me to avoid them.

Gut feelings are a useful indicator for determining whether someone’s a narcissist. Or if they’re someone who should be avoided for any other reason. And they shouldn’t be ignored.

This had me wondering, why are some narcissists so unsettling to be around? What do they do to make people feel this way?

After a good think, I came up with these reasons why narcissists are unsettling to be around…

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Lack Of Empathy

A big reason why narcissists are unsettling is because they lack emotional empathy. So you can’t truly connect with them.

When neuro-typicals meet other neuro-typicals, they size each other up. And I’m not talking in a competitive way like narcissists do. But where they suss the other person out, and find a middle ground. So they can work with them.

So, if the other person is quiet and you’re loud, you dial down your energy a notch. And they brings there’s up a little. And you meet somewhere in the middle.

If someone is from a different culture, then you take this into account. And try to talk about things they can relate to. And hopefully they do the same.

But narcissists don’t seek a middle ground. They can be loud and overbearing to people who aren’t in the mood. They may talk about things only they’re interested in. And act in a way where you’re almost invisible to them. Talking at you, instead of with you.

This feels strange and unsettling, because it’s not normal behaviour. Although you might not consciously know why you feel this way. Because the difference can be subtle.

Subtle Put Downs

Narcissists like to prove to themselves and others that they’re the best. And they often find subtle ways to put people down, to lift themselves up.

There’s many ways narcissists put people down without seeming to. They might for example compliment you on losing weight, adding that you’ve not far to go. Implying that you’re still overweight.

They may turn up late when meeting you. Just to show you how unimportant you are.

Although you may not notice these subtle put downs consciously, you do subconsciously. And when your subconscious knows something’s not right, it lets you know by giving you these unpleasant feelings.

Hidden Agendas

Narcissist don’t want fair relationships. They want to take advantage. So they’re constantly plotting ways to get the upper hand.

Intuitively you may feel this. So your brain triggers feelings of anxiety. To warn you to stay away from them.

They Talk A Lot

Most narcissists are happy to dominate conversations. And I don’t mean 60/40, or even 70/30. They’re happy to do 90% of the talking. If not more. And may talk in long monologues, barely taking a breath. Not allowing you a word in edgeways.

Polite people in particular find this unsettling. Because they patiently wait for a pause to allow them to interject – and it never happens.

After a while of them blathering on, the pressure builds. You may feel unable to go for a drink if your mouth feels dry. Or go to the toilet when you feel nature calling. Because the talking is so relentless.

This incessant talking can feel like a metaphorical prison. Because you’re trapped by their words and social convention. And your own politeness.

Your head feels scrambled as they talk louder and faster. And the more they talk, the more you’re drained. Yet the more energised they become. Because they’re talking about their favourite subject – themselves.

This can feel incredibly unpleasant. Even if they’re being nice. And next time you see them, your natural reaction is to avoid them. Which triggers feelings of stress and anxiety. Because you don’t want to go through that again.

Judgemental

Narcissists are judgemental, and quick to criticise. And if they don’t criticise you to your face, they probably criticise many other people to you.

And this gets you wondering what they say about you when you’re not around. Causing you to feel self conscious and judged. Which is obviously unsettling.

If you’re close to the narcissist, then they may blatantly judge everything you do. And watch you like a hawk, whilst telling you how you should have done it. Which of course makes you feel self conscious, and liable to make more “mistakes”. Which drags you deeper into their unsettling cycle of negativity.

They’re Pushy

Narcissists see people as commodities to be used. They don’t care about your needs and wants. Only what you can do for them.

So if they want someone to accompany them to a rock concert, then they might push you to join them. Even if you don’t like rock music. Because they’re solely focused on what they want.

Narcissists find tactics to make it difficult to say no. And once they find the tactic that works best with you, they rinse and repeat.

Naturally you feel unsettled around someone who repeatedly tries to push you to do things you don’t want to do. Especially when they use your weaknesses against you. Because you know you must be on your guard at all times. Which triggers flight or fight hormones, and leaves you feeling jittery.

Narcissists Words And Actions Don’t Align

Narcissists create false personas. And what you see is not what you get. And what they say and what they do often don’t align.

A narcissist might tell you how much they value you. Then consistently turn up 2 hours late. Or tell you how empathic they are. Then treat you like you don’t matter.

This is naturally unsettling. Because most communication is non verbal. So we received mixed messages from the narcissist. Which is confusing and disorientating.

Lack Of Boundary Recognition

Narcissists have difficulties recognising and respecting other peoples boundaries. In its simplest form they may stand too close when talking to you. Or they might ask for things that are unreasonable, expecting you to deliver.

It’s normal and natural for people to respect each others boundaries. Especially when you’re mature adults. So it can be unsettling when someone goes against the grain. Because we don’t have to deal with this most of the time. So it can put you on high alert, meaning you can’t settle around them.

Final Thoughts

A big red flag that someone is a narcissist is when you feel anxious and unsettled around them. Especially if you feel OK around most other people.

Whilst we all think in words, our most insightful thoughts are in emotions and feelings. It’s how our minds our wired to communicate with us. Because we haven’t always had language to fall back on.

If you feel unsettled and anxious around someone, then your mind is warning you. So listen to your gut feelings.

Keep them at arms length. And look for more red flags. Because the chances are, if you feel unsettled around someone, they’re trouble waiting to happen.

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Early Signs Someone’s A Narcissist