Every now and then, narcissists do something nice. And once you’ve taken a deep breath and got over the shock, you may think the narcissist is mellowing. Sorry to disappoint, but this probably isn’t the case.

Narcissists are cold and calculating. And everything they do is for their perceived gain. Even when they’re being nice. And when they gain, someone else usually loses. And that someone might be you.

It’s true that neuro-typicals also do nice things for personal gain. But there’s a difference…

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Narcissists Feel No Pleasure Giving

Part of a neuro-typicals gain is experiencing warm fuzzy feelings when being nice. Don’t you feel good when you’ve showed kindness to someone?

Often this is enough for empaths. And even if it’s not, they don’t usually want much more.

But narcissists don’t feel pleasure from giving, because they lack emotional empathy. They can’t feel other peoples pleasure. Here’s more on narcissists and their emotions.

Instead, narcissists solely rely on what they get in return. Which means they usually require more back to make kindness worth their while.

What do narcissists require to make kindness worthwhile? Here’s some of the things narcissists gain through kindness and giving…

Gaining Admirers

Probably the number one reason narcissists are kind is because they want to be adored. They believe they’re fantastic, and want acknowledgement of the “fact”.

Some narcissists learn that kindness feeds their need for admiration. They learn to make public acts of kindness, then bask in the glow of “adoration”. Their thoughts focussed on themselves, not the recipient.

This is why they may demand your thanks, a thousand times. Or sulk for weeks if you weren’t grateful enough.

It’s always worth dishing out lavish praise if a narcissist does a good deed. This encourages more of the same. Even if it is for the wrong reasons!

Being kind and giving isn’t natural to narcissists, so they sometimes overcompensate. Narcissists can be too nice when they want to impress. And bend over backwards for people they barely know. Causing friction amongst their family, who see them treating strangers better than them.

One-Upmanship

I’m sure you’re aware of narcissists’ never ending quests to prove themselves. And they often participate in one-upmanship, to prove how superior they are. “Kindness” can be used to beat their rivals.

A narcissist may buy a lavish gift at a wedding or christening. They know there’s many eyes on their generosity. And everyone will know the narcissist bought the best gift. Grinding their rivals into the dust.

In another example, a narcissist may be super nice to their partner when their ex is around. It may seem they’re being extra nice to make their current partner feel settled. But really it’s to rub their ex’s nose in the dirt.

To Important People

A narcissist may be super kind to important people. Especially if they have the power to give the narcissist something they want.

The narcissist may be super nice to their boss, because they want a promotion. Of course, most people are nice to their boss. But narcissists take this to a new level. Treating those beneath them with contempt. Whilst treating those above them like kings.

Narcissists are hierarchical, and know their place in the pecking order. Which is also why they treat those “above” them much more favourably than those “beneath” them. The narcissist believes in this “natural order” of things.

To Fit In

Cognitively, narcissists usually understand when kindness and giving is appropriate. Their children’s birthdays. When someone has achieved something. Etc. They just don’t feel it. So they can easily forget.

Narcissists develop tactics for fitting in, and appearing neuro-typical. Some learn to fake kindness to appear “normal”.

Every now and then these narcissists force themselves to do something kind, just to fit in. And they usually want as many people as possible to witness their divine act. They may as well gain some kudos whilst they’re at it.

Get Back In The Good Books

People are valuable to narcissists, as they provide attention and favours. If they sense they’ve pushed them too far, they may play nice to get back in their good books.

The difference between narcissists and neuro-typicals is that neuro-typicals feel bad for hurting their loved ones, and want to make things better. They change their offending behaviours, or at least try to.

Narcissists only feel bad for themselves and what they may lose. They want to make up, but only to stop being abandoned. They don’t care about the hurt they caused, which is why they don’t permanently modify their behaviour. They temporarily change it to get off the hook. Then revert back to type once the coast is clear.

To Boost Their Façade

Most narcissists care what people think about them. Especially people they’re not close to. Because they love winning over new fans.

So they create a façade of someone who’s kind, honest, and decent. And draw people in to like them.

Narcissists may become involved in good causes, such as religion or charity. Or work in law or medicine. They know that people involved with these things are trusted, and held in high esteem.

The narcissist may be extra nice to their family when in the company of someone they want to impress. Their family may think it’s a rare show of the narcissists love. But really it’s a shameless display, designed to show themselves off in a good light.

When They Want Something

Narcissists sometimes partake in acts of kindness when they want something. They’re not ashamed to be nice out the blue, then ask for a favour in return.

Narcissists know that empathetic people feel obliged to say yes when they’ve received some kindness. Less sophisticated narcissists may ask for something straight away. But more sophisticated narcissists bide their time.

To Keep You Needing Them

Narcissists aren’t secure people. And they don’t like being abandoned. So they may help people, giving them the benefit of being needed.

The narcissist creates symbiotic relationships, where the person needs them. For example they may do all the cooking for their adult child. Denying them the opportunity to learn for themselves. Secure in the knowledge they can’t fend for themselves and leave them.

A narcissist may also do kind acts to keep you in debt to them. Then remind you for the next 300 years, any time they want something.

To Feel Superior

Narcissists constantly reassure themselves they’re superior. And being kind can sometimes bolster their feelings of superiority.

For instance the narcissist may toss a few coins into a beggars hat. Lovely gesture. But “helping someone less fortunate” confirms their position. And that is above the person they’re helping.

In another example, a narcissist may help someone younger at work, “showing them the ropes”. And again, it’s a nice gesture, but with selfish motives.

The narcissist wants to be the intelligent superior one, sharing their infinite wisdom with the young cub. Quenching their thirst for superiority and admiration.

They’re Not Always Being Nice

It’s natural to assume that others think like we do. And that includes narcissists, particularly if you don’t know about them. And we can sometimes interpret their selfish actions as acts of kindness.

For instance someone may insult the narcissists partner, and the narcissist leaps to their defence. It may seem they’re a knight in shining armour, but the narcissists motive was selfish.

The narcissist sees their partner as an extension of themselves. Much like owning a car. And if you insult someone’s car, you insult them.

The narcissist reacts in self defence. “How dare you insult MY wife”. The insult to their partner is an insult to them, which threatens their control. And that’s the real reason they reacted.

In another example, a narcissist may take you to a party, and is kind and considerate to you all evening. How refreshing! Maybe they’re turning over a new leaf. What you didn’t know is that they were impressing their boss with what a great family person they are.

Final Thoughts

When a narcissist says or does something nice, it’s worth questioning what they’re up to. Because it’s usually for personal gain. And their gain may be your loss.

If you consider the points in this article, you can usually work out why they’re being nice. This minimises their manipulations, and keeps you one step ahead.

Often their motives aren’t sinister. They may just want some attention or a boost of popularity. But other times it could be a manipulation designed to use or con you.

Question their angle. Ask yourself why someone with no empathy would do these kind acts. What’s in it for them? On the surface, things seem nice. But underneath there’s usually a lot more going on.

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