Although narcissists aren’t exactly alike, there’s many traits they’re commonly attracted to when they’re looking for a partner. And there’s good reason for this.

Narcissists main objective in life is to gain as much narcissistic supply as possible. Their focuses can differ, depending on the individual. But the main sources of narcissistic supply are attention, admiration, high status and wealth. Narcissists want to be special. In fact they demand it.

Narcissists look to people in their lives to supply them with these things. Or at least the appearance of them. The actual relationship usually takes a back seat.

Some people find themselves in the position where they seem like a magnet for narcissists (me!). By understanding what narcissists look for and why, you can better modify things to prevent attracting them. And see what they’re up to before it’s too late. (“Too late” meaning tied to them, for example having children or getting married.)

Here’s some of the things narcissists look for in a partner…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Youthful Good Looks

Some narcissists gain their supply from being with someone who’s younger and better looking than them. But this isn’t because they admire that person’s beauty.

The narcissist knows that beauty is one symbol of high status. And if they attract someone younger, then they must be high status by association. If they can bag someone 10 years younger, then in their mind this proves how special they are. And they can parade their trophy around for all to see.

I’ve known narcissists to have awful marriages to younger people, where they’re almost constantly arguing and fighting. But they won’t leave them because they’re frightened they won’t attract someone that young again. And will be forced to take a drop in status. It seems that the appearance of having a good marriage is more important to narcissists than actually having one.

Older But High In Status

Some narcissists seek money more than looks. So they go for someone who’s older but higher in status. Either through wealth, or power.

This sometimes (but not always) explains the stereotypical young model type who dates a guy 50 years older, who happens to be a billionaire. Of course it’s not always this way round. It seems to be increasingly common for younger guys to date older high status women.

Some narcissists even target the boss at work. They know this gives them an easy ride, plus they gain the kudos of being associated with the boss. And may attempt to leverage the bosses power for their own advantage.

Talented Popular People

Narcissists sometimes go for talented popular people, so they can be talented and popular by association. Most narcissists have difficulty with close interpersonal relationships. So they perhaps hope that some of their partners talents and popularity rubs off onto them.

Narcissists often mirror their partners, and copy their mannerisms, interests and personas. So they want someone fabulous to copy, so they can become the amazing individual they know they are. But things usually turn sour in the end.

After the honey moon period is over, narcissists start to resent their supply. They become jealous of their partner’s attention and accolades. So they want to bring them down a peg or three.

The narcissist wants the best of both worlds. They want to glory of being with someone popular and amazing, but they don’t want to be undermined by them. So they often attack their partners in private, but build them up publicly.

Their partners are left in the confusing position where the narcissist tells them how wonderful they are in public, and how useless they are in private.

Forgiving And Non Judgemental

Many narcissists go for people who have a positive air. Those who are forgiving and non-judgemental. And those who accept people for who they are.

Narcissists know that these types of people are easier to play. They can treat them badly, and if they complain or threaten to leave, the narcissist knows they can appeal to their forgiving side and get back in their good books.

Narcissists commonly play this game. They learn how far they can push someone. Then aim to go just bellow this point. That way they take the maximum, without going bust.

If they push too far, they can retreat to their “love bombing”, and treat them well for a while. And liberally sprinkle some excuses for their behaviours, such as depression or stress. Most forgiving partners give them another chance, then another, and another.

The narcissist dangles the carrot where everything will be fine in the future. And their forgiving partners wait patiently for the day to arrive. But it never really does.

Easy Going Good Natured People

Narcissists like easy going people who are good natured. They know that these people are happy to “compromise” with the narcissist.

The “compromises” usually involves backing down to the narcissist’s wants and needs. So the narcissist almost always gets their way.

Narcissists aren’t interested in 50/50 relationships. They want as much for themselves as possible. Their partner’s needs are irrelevant, except when they need to placate them. So narcissists look to good natured people pleasers, who care more about the narcissists needs than their own.

Of course the narcissist doesn’t respect their partners giving nature. They take advantage of it as much as possible. And secretly take this as meaning they are the dominant one.

Narcissists Look For Conscientious People

Most narcissists love conscientious people. Because these people check their own behaviour when there’s problems in a relationship. And self reflect what they’ve done wrong. Since no one is perfect, they usually find something they could have done better.

Narcissists know they can play on this. And blame their partner for EVERYTHING. And because they’re usually so convincing, their conscientious partner often accepts their share of the blame. Even when there is none.

This allows the narcissist to get away with unfair narcissistic behaviours. And at the same time push their partners on the back foot, thinking they’ve done the narcissist wrong.

Anxious And Nervous People

Narcissists like to have anxious and nervous people in their lives. Because they know that these people are less likely to be willing or able to stand up for themselves. Some narcissists like a challenge, but the majority just want their own way.

And if that person isn’t particularly anxious, then they often make them that way by the end. Narcissists play all sorts of mind games, such as sly put downs, where they make them feel less than enough. Or get into bad moods where they’re walking on egg shells around them.

Years of narcissists treatment often causes anxiety in their partners. But because the relationship is largely focussed on the narcissist, they often don’t notice until the relationship is over. Which is why many former partners of narcissists (including me!) seek treatment for anxiety, once the relationship is over. It’s only once the narcissist is out their lives do they notice their own health issues.

People Pleasers

People pleasers put aside their own needs for others. They literally think of other people before themselves. Putting themselves last. And narcissists love this dynamic.

People pleasers hope that others show them the same respect in return. And largely they do, except when it comes to narcissists.

Narcissists have no limits. And are prepared to continuously take without remorse, due to their lack of empathy. So sadly people pleasers keeps giving, whilst the narcissist keeps taking.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists often target people with the qualities they would like to have themselves. And enjoy basking in their reflective glory.

But inevitably the narcissist grows resentful, and seeks to destroy their partners. Narcissists usually want the best of all worlds. Whilst they enjoy associating with their partner’s successes, they also want to be “better” than them. But narcissists are rarely willing or able to improve themselves much. So instead they must tear their partners down and destroy them.

This is obviously not a logical thing to do. But narcissists aren’t very logical. They want the best of everything. But they struggle to see how this isn’t always possible. And you must sometimes lose on one hand to gain on the other. So they desperately try to force things. And in the process, destroy things that are most important to them.

And once they do this, they accept no responsibility. Narcissists convince themselves everything is their partners fault. So they learn no lessons. Meaning they usually repeat these same behaviours over and over again.

Narcissists don’t want an equal partner. They want someone to provide them with narcissistic supply. And then once they get it, they usually destroy them, because nothing is ever enough for a narcissist. And that includes you.

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