Most narcissists hate being on their own. And although they might not admit it, they need people more than most do.
Narcissist don’t like being vulnerable. So they don’t want you to know how much they need you. Otherwise you might realise you have more power than them. And they can’t have that.
Narcissists devise many ways of gaining attention without showing how much they need it. They might play the victim to pull at your heart strings. Or create any number of excuses for why you should spend time with them. Once you’re drawn in, narcissists typically act nonchalant, pretending they don’t need you around.
So what do narcissists actually want? What do narcissists want from all those people they draw around them? Here’s a few things that narcissists want from you…
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Narcissists Want Your Attention
Narcissists are almost bottomless pits in their thirst for attention. Narcissists need almost constant validation from external sources. And they don’t want to spend any time alone if they can help it.
If a narcissist turns up out the blue, it’s likely their usual sources of attention are not available. They might say they miss you. Or they need to catch up with you. But really they need a body around them. It barely matters who, as long as they have some attention.
Narcissists can be persistent, and demanding of your time if they need it. And they don’t care if it’s convenient for you. Or if you’ve other commitments.
Their time is vitally precious to them. But yours isn’t. And they expect you to drop everything when they want you. But it’s not just time and attention that narcissists want from you…
Your Help
Most narcissists like a mug or two in their lives to do things for them. Narcissists are often exploitative, and happily use people if they can get away with it.
Narcissists love having power over people. And often despise doing the more mundane things in life, such as cleaning and washing. So they naturally recruit people who’ll do these things for them.
When a narcissist gets married, they often gradually hand all the responsibilities to their spouse. Whilst they swan around doing as they please. They may also regularly ask their friends and family for favours.
Narcissists Want Some Stability
Narcissists often lead chaotic lives. They might struggle keeping hold of jobs. They might regularly fall out with friends and family. And may move house every 6 months. But despite this, most narcissists like to have some stability in their lives to cling to. And that could be your job.
A narcissists might keep a friend or lover for the long haul. To have some grounding of stability. They usually like to have at least one thing that’s stable in their lives.
Someone To Mirror
Narcissists have disordered personalities. But they need people. So they try to act neuro-typical to fit in, and draw people to them. But this isn’t straight forward for them.
Narcissists lack empathy. So they struggle to see things from others perspective. Which can cause them to come across as cold and selfish.
To compensate, many narcissists find empathetic people to have in their lives. Then they have someone they can mirror. And copy their empathetic traits.
This allows them to appear “normal” to the outside world. And draw people in to give them attention and validation.
Narcissists Want You Money
Some narcissists are motivated by money. And target people who have money. Then slowly squeeze them for as much as they can.
Some narcissists equate money with power. And have an almost unquenchable thirst for money. These types of narcissists often marry people who are older and wealthier than themselves.
A narcissist who’s after money is often quick to join financial partnerships with those who have wealth. They might want to marry and move in if they have financial clout. Or start a business with a wealthy friend.
Your Youth
If the narcissist is older, and particularly if they have wealth, then they might want you for your youthful good looks.
Narcissists see people as commodities to be used. And their partners are their accessory. So they may want someone young and attractive, to make them look good by association.
A Share Of Your Power
If you’re in a position of power, then a narcissist might befriend you to share your power. Narcissists usually have delusions they’re supremely powerful. And they’re happy to leach off other people’s power to confirm their delusions.
A narcissist might suck up to the boss at work to become “friends” with them. Then act like they’re higher in status because of their association. In this example a narcissist might boss people around, even though it’s not their place to do so.
Someone To Follow Them Around
Most narcissists hate doing things on their own. But at the same time, they hate compromising on what they want to do. So a lot of narcissist like having people around who agree to go to the places they want to go, and do the things they want to do.
The narcissist doesn’t care if you want to do these things. Or if you enjoy them. They just want a body to cart around with them, whilst they do what they want. If you suggest something you want to do, you’ll probably be met with a tonne of excuses. And perhaps some ridicule thrown in for good measure. How dare you suggest something YOU want to do!
Someone On The Side
If a narcissist is in a relationship, then they might want a bit on the side. If you’re an ex, they might suddenly get in contact when they’re single or bored of their current relationship.
Most narcissists see sex as someone worshipping them. And confirming how great they are. Not two people mutually pleasuring each other out of love. So the equation is simple. The more people they have sex with, the greater they must be.
Not all narcissists cheat. But those that don’t usually like plenty of options on the back burner, should things go wrong with their current relationship.
So the narcissists might want you for sex. Or they might want you as a fall back option, should they find themselves single.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are exploitative by nature. And when they want to befriend you, there’s often a hidden agenda.
They might sense you have weak boundaries, so they can lord it over you. Or you might have something they want, such as money or power.
Narcissists often see relationships and friendships as transactional. They look at what they can gain, against what it costs. Narcissists usually try to take as much as they can, whilst giving as little as possible.
More sophisticated narcissists understand that they sometimes have to give to keep people sweet. They know that the odd compliment or favour can keep you on side. And keep you giving them more of what they want. Because whilst narcissists may give a little, they take a whole load more.
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I am about to leave, been giving him the silent treatment for two weeks, am now waiting for him to have a melt down as he has done so before when he feels he can’t handle a situation, he dosent,i do. I feel I have to remain strong, its the calm before the storm.
Why am I not surprised to see that “Your attention” is number one on the list? There is one person I once knew who I suspected might be a Malignant Narc and the one characteristic I remember about her was that she wanted attention constantly. Some of the other items on the list were true of her as well; she delegated her tasks to others, talked about how her ex wasn’t giving her enough money, had multiple sexual partners according to some gossip I heard, and always had to have a crowd of hanger-ons around her. But the first thing I think of whenever I think of her is that she craved attention like every living thing needs oxygen.
Going down the list, I think that any person who has the job of giving the narc stability is the one who is worst off. Firstly, because those poor unfortunate souls have the narc in their lives for the long haul and they probably have a myriad other tasks too, such as giving them a place to stay, giving them money, cooking and cleaning for them and, of course, giving them attention. Lots and lots of attention.
Yep, most narcissists need lots of attention!
A narc friend said he liked people but didn’t need people. Actually I realised after he said this a couple of time it was the other way round. He needed people but doesn’t like them.
That’s very interesting, Michael. Saying that he “liked people but didn’t need people” sounds like someone who is independent in a healthy way and won’t compromise his values for the sake of being liked. It’s good that you were able to see that he was actually a narcissist pretending to be the polar opposite of what he really was! I hope you didn’t let him get too close to you before seeing the truth.