Narcissistic supply explains many of the narcissists behaviours. As it’s the driving force of most of the things they do.
Once you have a grasp of narcissistic supply, you’re better placed to understand narcissists. And predict their behaviours and motivations. You can also use your knowledge to cut off the supply you give. Encouraging them to look elsewhere.
In this article we’ll look at what narcissistic supply is. Why they need it. And where they get it. First, here’s what narcissistic supply is…
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What Is Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissistic supply is the attention, admiration, validation, and other forms of emotional support narcissists seek from others. It’s used to prop up their fragile sense of self worth. And validate them in the eyes of others.
Narcissists have delusions of superiority. But they conflict with their deep rooted shame and inferiority. So they use narcissistic supply to prop themselves up. And convince themselves they’re as great as they wish they were.
Narcissists need narcissistic supply like we need oxygen. And it’s usually their life mission to get it.
If the narcissist doesn’t get enough supply, then they might react angrily. Because they believe they’re entitled to this special treatment. And they may spiral into depression as a result.
Narcissistic supply is so important, that it trumps almost everything. Which is why they may compromise their relationships, work, and success to get it.
For example, a narcissist may have a wonderful partner. But can’t resist an affair when propositioned. Because they can’t bare missing out on the supply being offered (the attention). Which is why narcissists may ruin a great relationship for someone less worthy.
Primary And Secondary Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic supply is sometimes divided into primary and secondary supply. Primary supply refers to supply based on attention. Whether it’s from close friends, family, or the public in general.
Primary supply might include achieving fame. Being seen as an important member of the community. Or being admired and needed by their family. Primary supply may also be negative. Such as a reputation for being difficult. Or being feared in the workplace.
Secondary supply refers to outward shows of success or achievement. Such as expensive cars. Children that excel academically. Or membership to exclusive clubs. Which is why narcissists often put more energy into appearing to have a good life, than actually having one.
How Do Narcissists Gain Narcissistic Supply?
Romantic relationships are where narcissists gain most of their supply. Which is why they can’t bare to be single for long.
Narcissists may also gain narcissistic supply by surrounding themselves with giving empathetic people. Who are willing to play second fiddle, and put them on a pedestal.
Narcissists may also target naïve people, who fall for their charms and manipulations. And who allow themselves to be controlled by the narcissist. So they feel powerful, special, and in command.
Narcissists know they can’t act narcissistic with everyone all the time. Because they’d run a mile, and there’d be no supply. So they play it clever.
They create a false self. A façade, who’s charming, kind, and funny. And they use this to draw people in.
Once drawn in, they judge how well they need to treat these people to keep them around, whilst extracting as much supply as possible. So they play a delicate balancing act, where they treat them well enough to stop them leaving. Whilst using and abusing them for supply.
If it’s someone who works in the local shop, then the narcissist may present their nice act most of the time. Because it requires little effort, and they receive a nice dollop of supply in the form of a smile and some kind words.
If it’s someone closer, such as a friend or a lover, then the narcissist tests them more. And sees how far they can push them, without pushing them away. Because it’s more difficult to play nice with someone you spend more time with. Plus, what’s the point in having relationships if you can’t use them?!
Material Sources Of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists also gain supply through material sources. These may include luxury items. Expensive clothing. Performance cars, etc.
Narcissists gain validation from rare and expensive items, because of their scarcity. Because if no one they know owns a Ferrari, it makes THEM special.
Narcissists also gain supply from expensive items, because of peoples reactions to them. Every time a head turns whilst they’re roaring by in their Lamborghini, they receive a portion of supply. When someone compliments their designer shoes, they get the same.
This is why narcissists are quick to show off their possessions. They soon grow impatient if no one notices their new designer watch. So they’re almost compelled to show it off.
Some narcissists deliberately move in circles that are less well off financially. Or at least appear to be. Because the less affluent are more impressed by their shows of wealth. People like Elon Musk wouldn’t give a damn about their new Rolex. But the average man on the street would.
Associations
On the flip side, some narcissists gain supply by associating themselves with the rich, successful, or beautiful. In other words, high status people. They know that if they’re seen with these high fliers, some of their status rubs off on them. And they get supply by parading around with them, or talking about them.
A narcissist may infiltrate a circle more successful than themselves. And may fake wealth and accomplishments to get near them. Whilst landing themselves in debt.
In the workplace, a narcissist might befriend their boss. So they can look more important, and gain kudos. Then walk round with a swagger, like they own the place.
Narcissists need for supply trumps almost every other need they have. So they may bankrupt themselves, just to appear wealthy. Which shows they’re more focussed on appearing rich and successful, than actually being that way.
Social Media
Social media is a great tool for gaining narcissistic supply. Because it requires little effort for maximum exposure. A good bang for their buck.
With a few movements of their fingers, narcissists can show off their “great life” to hundreds of people. With pictures, check ins, and updates.
The narcissist can also show what a great person they are, without actually doing anything. By sharing touchy feely articles they haven’t read. Or virtue signalling, by regurgitating the opinions of others.
Some narcissists gain supply in a negative way. By posting controversial views and opinions, designed to wind people up. These narcissists know that provocation brings more attention than pleasantries ever will. Even if it’s negative.
Negative Narcissistic Supply
Negative supply is effective for a few reasons. If people are too busy, tired, or unavailable for the narcissist, then positive supply isn’t an option. But if they do something to upset them, then they have their undivided attention.
Narcissists are like troublesome toddlers. They’d rather have negative attention than none. So they may deliberately antagonise people to get it.
People often feel proud for giving the narcissist a piece of their mind. But they’re actually playing into their hands. Because the narcissist is gaining attention, and therefore supply. Which is why they may continue to poke and prod, to maximise their “gain”.
Some narcissists take this further. And may bully people. Then enjoy watching their face drop when they enter the room. Or revel in how that person avoids them.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists pursue supply like an addict. And may destroy their own, and other peoples lives to get it.
If you’re a good source of narcissistic supply, then most narcissists will catch on. Because they’re experts at seeking it out. And they’ll come flocking for your delicious fuel.
So if you want a life free from narcissists, then learn not to be a good source of supply. Give them as little attention as possible. And don’t rise to their provocations.
Narcissists love people who are generous with their time and attention. Who are complimentary and non competitive. And don’t mind playing second fiddle.
So keep them at arms length, and learn to say no. And take your time getting back to them when they call or message. Because an immediate response feeds them supply, as it shows their “importance”. But a delay does the opposite. Starve them as much as you can, and soon they’ll drift away and find a better source of supply.
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