When I walked away from my 12 year relationship with a narcissist, for the first time in my life I lived alone. And from what I hear, many people fear living alone. This can stop them having the courage to walk away from a narcissist relationship.

Difficulties living alone can also cause people to take risks and jump into new relationships too quickly. And end up back in relationships with narcissists. Narcissists love to rush through the stages of a relationship to tie down their partners. Once tied down, the narcissism begins. Fearing living alone may cause people to allow relationships to be rushed. Which increases your chances of being tied down by a narcissist.

At the time of writing I’ve lived alone for 5 years. And like most things, there’s pros and cons of living alone. In my opinion, neither is better than the other. And neither should be feared. They’re just different ways to live your life.

If you can learn to live alone, then you no longer NEED anybody. And future relationships can come from a place of want, rather than need. And you’ll never be held to ransom again.

Narcissists happily play on your fears of living alone. And if they smell you have this fear, they’ll use it against you. The narcissist knows they can behave as narcissistic as they like. And you’re powerless to stop them. Because they know they can threaten to walk away.

By learning to live alone, you retain your autonomy. Even if you choose to be in a relationship and live with someone. Because you know you’re fine, should things go south.

I’d like to share some things I’ve learned in nearly 5 years of living alone. Hopefully this helps you better cope with the thought, and the realities of living alone. Allowing you true freedom…

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Appreciate Your Connections

When you live on your own, it’s easy to think of yourself as isolated from the rest of the world. But when you think about it, this isn’t true.

You breathe the same air as everybody else. You have a water and electricity supply tapped into your home. And these supplies were built and are maintained by many people.

When you eat a meal at home, think of all the people who’ve contributed to your meal. A farmer has grown the crops, and raised the live stock. Someone has transported these goods to shops. Shop workers maintain a shop to serve you with these foods.

In a single meal you could have a cup of tea, grown in China. Oranges grown in the Mediterranean. Lamb raised in New Zealand, etc. There’s so much collaboration between so many people, just in your average meal at home.

If you work, think of all the people you help in return. This can be directly and indirectly. You pay for goods which contribute to people’s wages. And this helps them pay for other goods and service, and more wages.

You can switch on a TV, radio, or the internet, and access entertainment and information that’s a collaborative work of millions of people. You can communicate with people the other side of the world with a push of a button. We are ALL connected to each other, perhaps more than we realise. It’s important to remind yourself of this every now and then.

Focus On The Advantages

It’s easy to get into a negative frame of mind, and focus on the disadvantages of living alone. So it’s important to remind yourself of all the advantages.

You could write them on a piece of paper and display them on a notice board, fridge or wall. Then you can regularly remind yourself of the benefits of living alone. You can also add to the list whenever you think of more.

Living alone is definitely not all bad, even though it may feel that way sometimes. But flipping it around, it sometimes feels bad living with people!

Advantages could be you now have a spare room for hobbies. You can watch any TV programme you like. Decorate your home how you like. Eat food YOU like.

My ex didn’t particularly like seafood, but I LOVE it. When I first lived on my own, I think I ate seafood practically every meal for the first 6 months!

Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely

Spending a few days on your own is not as bad as many people fear. I’ve found that keeping myself busy is more important than surrounding myself with people. If I have plenty of things to occupy me, and I stay motivated to do them, I don’t feel lonely.

I think that many people mistake boredom for loneliness. Find yourself plenty of things to do. It helps if you have some hobbies and interests…

Hobbies And Interests

Explore as many hobbies and interests as you can. Some will gel with you more than others. And that’s all part of the fun of exploring. You learn what you like, and you learn more about yourself.

When you have multiple hobbies and interests, you’re rarely bored. But that’s only if you’re motivated to actually participate in your hobbies and interests.

Leave Your House Every Day

Staying between fours walls day after day is not good for your mental health. I’ve found it’s important to leave the house every day. Even if it’s just a walk to the bakers to buy some bread.

It’s much easier to get in the loop of not leaving the house when you live alone. There’s no one to remind you, or push you to stay active. So you must remind and push yourself.

Perhaps join a gym, if that’s your thing. Enrol on some college courses. Find things to do that involve leaving your house. Get out there and meet and connect with people.

It’s important to get used to doing things on your own. It may seem strange at first, but you’ll quickly get used to it if you push yourself a little.

Get Out Into Nature

A walk in nature is obviously good exercise. You’re walking, and breathing in crisp clean air. But there are more profound benefits to walking in nature.

Being surrounded by nature has many psychological benefits too. You notice the flora and fauna changing as the seasons change. Which helps you feel more connected to the world around you.

You take in the sight, sounds, and smells of nature. You notice if it’s damp or dry. If the leaves are growing or falling. And this is how we’re supposed to live. With a gentle but constant stimulation of nature.

Instead we live in square boxes that are sanitised of nature. All clean and orderly, and under our control. Whilst this provides certain comforts, it’s not our natural environment. So it’s helpful to get out into nature as often as you can.

I notice my general happiness levels are much higher when I make the time to regularly get out into nature. See if it does the same for you.

Pets

I haven’t gone down this route. But many people find that having a pet helps when living on their own.

There is another being to focus on. Which takes away focussing on yourself too much. As this can lead to over thinking about yourself and your situation.

Having a pet to focus on and care for helps you feel more connected. And provides company and companionship. If you own a dog, it also provides a reason for you to leave your house every day.

Stay In Touch With Good People

If you have good people in your life, remember to stay in touch with them. Because we all need good people in our lives. How do you know if someone is a “good person”?

Your gut reaction, intuition, and feelings know. Does the thought of spending time with this person make you feel anxious and on edge? Or does it make you feel warm, happy, and excited to see them? Do you feel you must stay in touch out of a sense of duty? Or do you WANT to stay in touch?

If you know this person has your back as much as you have theirs. And you genuinely want to spend time with them, then they’re probably worth staying in touch with.

Final Thoughts

When I started living alone, manipulators soon crawled out the woodwork. They probably smelt blood, thinking I was lonely and desperate for attention. But I wasn’t. So I got rid of them, one by one.

Narcissists love having power over others. And a lonely person, desperate for attention is a narcissists dream.

The narcissist knows they have supply whenever they want it. They can phone out the blue, and you’ll drop everything for them. And they can treat you as they please, because you’re desperate for their attention.

It’s easy to romanticise about when you’ve lived with people in the past. But living with people creates as many problems as it solves. There’s inevitably times when you annoy each other. And you want some peace and quiet. And that’s especially true if you live with a narcissist.

If you learn to be happy on your own, then you don’t need anybody. You’re not desperate. So you don’t need to spend time with people you deep down know aren’t good for you.

Being able to live alone is not about being isolated and lonely. It means you’re content, whether there’s people around you or not. You don’t NEED anybody. So you spend time with people you genuinely WANT to be around.

No one can hold you to ransom. No one can threaten to cut off the company you desperately crave. So you don’t need to take risks with who you allow in your life. And you don’t need to keep questionable characters around. If you’re happy on your own, then a new friend or partner is just the icing on the cake.

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