This Is A Guest Post From Chrissy Snow…
The other night I pulled up to my NPD’s home after working a very late shift. I had told my older son I wouldn’t be home that night, sacrificing time with him so I could give to my boyfriend instead. Which I was already feeling guilty about.
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As I pulled up to his home. I could hear his loud voice on the deck, and my heart sank. It was already 7.45pm and I had had this talk with him before about being courteous of the time I sacrifice for him, and how in a loving relationship it is reciprocal.
Of course, being with his man for over 3 years I am aware none of those “talks” really resonate or make him want to appease me or have courtesy and respect. I took the time to call my son and talk to him about his experience the night before at his college orientation. 20 minutes later I hang up and my NPD is still on the phone with his friend jabbering away about politics and finances.
Now I walk up to him and ask, “what are we doing?” He waves me away with a “go wait inside and get some wings I made if you’re hungry and I ll be in in 5 minutes.” I sat for a minute looking at him feeling frustrated and even though the rational part of me knew from past experiences that yelling or even rationalizing with him that he was being rude and not considerate of my time I still lost my temper.
“My time is as valuable as yours, it’s late and can you please get off the phone so we can spend some time together. Its already late.”
His response, much like a child throwing a tantrum and being oppositional, “Ill finish when I want, I’m not going to be pushed into hanging up with you standing over me.” I replied, “That’s because you only see you.” It was 5 minutes later before his friend got off the phone with him.
I let him know that if he was going to wait until I walked in the door at 7.30pm to make a long phone call, then in the future let me know because I gave up spending time with my son to come here and sit by myself.
“If you had just gone inside and not made a scene you would have made this, go much faster”. Wow, So I was to blame for him having no courtesy of seeing me and being present when I walked in the door. He had 4 hrs when he left work to make phone calls but instead made one right when I was rushing over from my job to make time with him.
As it escalated, he said “well this night is over.” I angrily said “do you want me to leave since you’re just sitting here not talking to me and blasting the TV “ ( Again his childlike behaviour spurred me into a threat that a narcissist will never take well, because it’s a challenge and they are always feeding on domination and control.)
“Yes, it’s probably best you leave.” I immediately went into panic mode. My trauma bond response was in full effect trigger “Does this mean we are breaking up?”
God, I could hear myself and how pathetic I sounded. Why was I so worried? This guy had just treated me like an afterthought, uncaring, uninvolved, non-emotional and I was scared to death he was going to break up with me.
“I don’t understand that you write me these love letters, and your actions are the complete opposite….” He suddenly vaulted up with me almost falling off the couch. “THAT’S IT!!! YOU SHOULD GO!”
He walked over to the door and opened it. In my head I was thinking, “I would never do this to him…. how can he be so void of emotion or caring”? I couldn’t cry, but what was worse was I couldn’t leave.
I went into the bedroom and sat down and watched some videos for a while. About an hour later he came in and as a 5 yr old would do he stacked a pillow fort in between us and proceeded to make loud noises and pull the covers more towards him and then blast his phone which had on some audio book about “how to find deception in people”.
I said to him “it’s odd you are always so worried about what devious things others are doing to you, but never once think of what you are doing to someone else. How you are hurting someone else, how you are making someone else feel.”
After that comment he put his head down and giggled. I wished I had a binky to put in his mouth and a diaper to change him with. Or maybe he just needed to be tucked into bed with a bedtime story.
My reality is you can’t talk to a baby that doesn’t have the tools yet mentally or emotionally or verbally for that matter to respond. And that’s what I am dating. A forever baby.
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Why Narcissists Are Like Children
It sounds like your boyfriend was pissed-off because you were on the phone asking your son to talk to him about his experience the night before at his college orientation. Even though he was already on the phone already. That’s taking self-entitlement to the next level!
What did he except when he started dating a woman with children or/and adult offspring? Why not date someone who doesn’t have those ties? Perhaps they wanted to test your loyalty, when blood is thicker than water. Yep. You definitely had a Kidult on your hands. I hoped you ditched him.