When you’ve just met someone, or don’t know them well, it’s difficult to know whether they’re a narcissist. And that’s because narcissists wear masks. And hide many of their traits.
It could be a work colleague you’ve known years. Or a local shop keeper you chat to. Yet you have no idea they’re a narcissist. Because you don’t see them in day-to-day life.
Not knowing someone’s a narcissist is fine if the relationship stays arms length. Because narcissists usually save their narcissism for those closest to them. But if you get closer, then it could spell disaster.
This article shows you the subtle signs to look out for, to determine whether someone’s a narcissist. And hopefully this helps you identify a narcissist BEFORE allowing them in your life. Saving you future pain and heartache.
Here’s the subtle signs to look out for, that show someone’s a narcissist…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists Talk A Lot, And Miss Social Cues
Narcissists are often totally engrossed in what they talk about. And assume you are too.
They may waffle in lengthy monologues about subjects you’ve expressed no interest in. And have little regard for your time or attention. And they’re often oblivious of you edging towards the door, to make your escape. So they carry on talking, even though it’s painfully obvious you want to leave.
Narcissist are so self absorbed that they don’t question whether you want to listen to their epic tales. Of course you do – they’re amazing!
This can leave you feeling trapped. Because their lack of empathy stops them considering you in the conversation. And your politeness means you patiently wait eons, before finally getting the chance to leave.
They’re Poor Listeners
In a similar way, narcissists are poor listeners. And many struggle listening, even when they’re trying to impress someone. Although they will make more of an effort.
You may notice their eyes glaze over when you talk. Like they’re thinking of what to say next. And rather than respond, they shift the subject to what’s on their mind.
Narcissists may also give vague generic answers to things you say. Which shows they weren’t actually listening. And you may notice that the conversation doesn’t flow like it would with a neuro-typical. Because the narcissists controls all the topics that are discussed.
They’re Too Nice To You
It’s not in a narcissists nature to treat people well. They want all the resources, and everything to revolve around them. However, they’re not stupid.
Narcissists know they can’t act narcissistic, AND attract new people into their life. So they play the nice act for a while.
In romantic relationships, this is known as love bombing. But they do the same in platonic relationships too.
However as I mentioned earlier, being “nice” isn’t natural for narcissists. So they must fake it. And they often over compensate by acting too nice. Just to make sure.
Acting impossibly nice shows they’re comfortable faking their persona. Which isn’t a good sign. And whilst we all make an effort in the beginning, narcissists take this much further than most.
Treat Others Badly
If someone treats you impossibly well but treats others badly, then it’s an even bigger red flag. They may be rude to staff at restaurants, their ex, family etc. whilst treating you like royalty.
It’s tempting to think that they’ll continue treating you well. Because you’re so special to them. But a respectful person treats EVERYONE well. And the fact they’re willing to treat some people badly speaks volumes about their character.
Narcissists Emotions Seem Fake
Narcissists often act either too emotional, or not emotional enough. And their emotions can seem dramatic, like they’re acting. And that’s because they are.
Narcissists distance themselves from their emotions, to be “strong”. Which means they don’t have an intimate connection to them. So they don’t always feel them. And even when they do, they may not recognise them, due to lack of practice.
To compensate and fit in, narcissists learn to fake emotions. Rather than express them spontaneously. And they learn what’s appropriate in certain situations.
But faking emotions isn’t easy. Especially if you don’t fully understand them. Which is why narcissists make mistakes and “react” too emotionally, or not emotionally enough. Because their finger’s aren’t on the pulse.
Narcissists often DECIDE what to feel. Based on who’s around, and what’s advantageous. And they may give this away by saying things like “I don’t know how to feel”. Which shows they consider their emotions a decision, rather than a spontaneous happening.
Micro Expressions
It’s often the case that the first emotion someone displays is their true feeling. So if someone looks angry for a split second, then replaces it with a smile, it’s likely they’re angry.
As I mentioned earlier, narcissists hide behind a mask, and change their “emotions” based on what’s advantageous. So you may see quick flashes of emotional reactions, before being replaced by another. And if this happens a lot, it’s a sign they’re in the habit of hiding their true emotions. Which is a sign of narcissism. (But of course everyone does this to some degree).
Micro expression also give clues as to someone’s true thoughts and motivations. For instance, if you tell someone your Mum is ill and they briefly smile before changing their expression to concern, then they may happy about it. Which may suggests this isn’t the type of person you want in your life.
Narcissists Tell You What To Think About Them
Rather than be themselves and let you make your own mind up, narcissists like to control the narrative. And tell you what to think about them.
They may say things like “I’m the sort of person who…(insert positive trait). Or repeatedly talk about how their family and children are important to them.
They may also refer to themselves as an empath. But if they really were the things they said they were, they wouldn’t keep saying it. Because they’d be normal and natural. And no big deal. So always be wary of people who keep telling you what a wonderful person they are!
Narcissists Find It Difficult To Apologise
Narcissists are notorious for struggling to apologise. And there’s two main reasons why.
The first is because apologising is admitting fault. Which is admitting they’re flawed. And narcissists fight desperately hard to be “perfect”. Because they have such fragile self esteems.
The second is that apologising concedes power. Because it’s an admissions they’ve wronged someone. And this could mean they owe them. Which potentially hands power away.
If a narcissist is pushed into a corner, or they want something, then they might apologise. But their apologies either sound awkward, or forced. Or there’s a caveat. Such as “I’m sorry you feel that way”, or “I’m sorry, but… (insert excuse here)”.
Narcissists Life Is Full Of Conflict
Another sign someone could be a narcissist is if their life is full of conflict. And they regularly fall out with different friends and family.
On top of this, the fall outs are NEVER their fault. And EVERYBODY else is difficult. Which, unless they’re very unlucky, is unlikely.
To add to this, narcissists may switch from labelling someone the most despicable person on Earth, to the most amazing. And back again. That’s because narcissists lack whole object relations. So they see someone as “all good” if they’re in favour, or “all bad” if they’re not.
So if someone despises their Mum one week, then loves her dearly the next, then they could be a narcissist. Particularly if this happens multiple times, with multiple people.
There’s No Middle Ground
People with normal functioning empathy find a middle ground with people. For instance, a person who talks loudly might dial it down if they’re talking to someone quieter. And that quieter person may talk a little louder. Or if someone who jokes a lot talks to someone more serious, they might joke less. And the serious person might joke a bit more.
However narcissists don’t do this. They have largely the same energy, no matter the character of the other person. (Unless they want something!) And that’s due to their lack of empathy.
Narcissists lack of finding a middle ground can intuitively feel strange, because it’s not normal behaviour. But you might not notice this consciously. But intuitively you do. Which is why interactions feel odd and unsettling.
Gut Feelings
The final subtle sign someone could be a narcissist is your gut feelings. If you feel anxious around someone, then it’s your mind letting you know that something’s not right.
As I mentioned earlier, narcissists don’t find a middle ground, which can feel odd. But on top of that, their words, actions, and emotions often don’t line up. Because they’re always trying to manipulate, and gain unfair advantages. And your intuition notices this, and lets you know with awkward feelings.
So never ignore you gut. Most people who’ve been in narcissist relationships acknowledge they ignored their gut feelings at the beginning. And sadly they lived to regret it.
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