Narcissists are well known to put people down to lift themselves up. Some revel in watching people squirm with embarrassment. Feeling powerful for gaining a “win”.
Many use put downs to knock their loved ones self esteem. Narcissists know that those low on confidence are less likely to challenge their behaviours, and less likely to leave them. Narcissists don’t want to be alone. But they still want to be top dog.
Most narcissists realise there’s only so far they can push people. So they use subtle insults to get away with them.
In some ways these subtle insults are more damaging than overt insults. Because they’re difficult to understand. Difficult to defend. And are a form of gaslighting.
You’re often left scratching your head, wondering if you’ve been put down. Or if you imagined it. And if you say anything, they will of course deny it. This causes confusion, on top of the negativity aimed your way.
By learning the subtle ways narcissists insult people, you’re better prepared. Once you know what they’re doing, you can see through it. And it won’t affect you as much. You know what they’re up to. So there’s less confusion.
Here’s some of the ways I’ve noticed narcissists subtly put others down…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Narcissists “Banter”
Narcissists often use supposed “banter” to put people down. But really they’re insults dressed as banter. The main difference between banter and put downs is intention.
Banter is meant to be fun. And not intended to hurt. If someone looks hurt, or objects, someone intending banter stops. Someone wanting to hurt continues.
Narcissists often continue their so called banter, AFTER they learn it hurts someone. In fact they may do it more. And they know they have this in their locker for any time they want to punish them.
When someone objects, the narcissist often accuses them of being “too sensitive”. Or says “I was only joking”. But then uses the same “joke” in the future. Which proves their malicious intent.
Someone who didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings wouldn’t use the “joke” again once they knew it hurt. Regardless of whether that person was being over sensitive.
Put Themselves Down
Narcissists are sometimes self depreciating, but do it in a way that puts others down. “I hate working for pittance”, knowing they earn more than you.
This is a sneaky way of putting others down. They claim they were putting themselves down. And pull out the “you’re sensitive” card.
If pushed, they might concede it was insensitive. But they’ll fight with their last dying breath before admitting it was deliberate.
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Compliment Someone Else
Narcissists sometimes compliment others to put someone else down. “My friend Janet has the most beautiful hair out of everyone I know.” Which implies you don’t have beautiful hair.
Narcissists sometimes triangulate people to encourage them to be competitive with each other, for their own benefit. For example, “He’s so generous. He took me out and paid for the meal, plus drinks afterwards. He’s so lovely.”
This is a dig that you are “mean” because you don’t pay for meals and drinks. But of course they’ll only say they were complimenting a friend. And probably accuse you of jealousy if you say anything.
Compliment And Put Down
Some narcissists are masters of giving a compliment, that’s actually an insult. “You look good for someone your age”, is an obvious one. Another might be, “You’ve lost weight, congratulations. Not far to go now.”
They tie a compliment with an insult as a form of distraction. Whilst you’re focussed on the compliment, they slip in the insult. “You’ve got your house looking really nice. Shame it’s in such a rough area.”
Turn Up Late
Narcissists are often late. And whilst it may seem they’re disorganised, there’s more to it than this.
In my experience, narcissists are often DELIBERATELY late. They want people hanging around waiting for them.
This is a put down of sorts. They want to show that they are superior. And you are inferior.
By keeping you waiting, they’re implying a lack of respect for you. And putting you in your place. Just like a subtle verbal insult.
Narcissists are NEVER late when meeting someone they deem important. Like their boss, or a new romantic partner.
Final Thoughts
Most narcissists are masters of subtle put downs. They understand people won’t put up with endless insults. So subtle insults are the perfect solution.
The narcissist can insult to their hearts delight, and claim they weren’t. And if you pull them up, they can insult you some more by accusing you of being “over sensitive” or “jealous”. And there’s another benefit for the narcissist…
These subtle insults cause “cognitive dissonance”. This is where the person on the receiving end feels one way, but thinks the other.
When they receive a subtle dig, they feel insulted. But their head says they weren’t. Especially if the narcissist denies it.
This causes confusion. And causes them to doubt their gut feelings. And when you doubt your gut feelings, you lose touch with reality. And the narcissist takes full advantage of this.
Whenever you call them out over what they said, or their behaviour, they get you doubting yourself. “Here we go again, being paranoid.”
And once the narcissist has you in this position, they ramp up their narcissistic behaviours. Because they know they’ll get away with it. And you’re left defenceless, as you rely on the narcissist for reality checks. Which of course will be biased.
If you ever feel insulted and not sure why, have a good think about what was said. And flip things round. Would you feel comfortable saying this to someone else? If not, then you may have received a subtle insult.
If it’s a one-off, then it could be a clumsy mistake. But if it’s all the time, then something’s amiss.
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“Putting themselves down” is one way to accomplish the tactic known as dog whistling.
I’ve not heard of “dog whistling” Conner?
My late husband was a psychiatrist and well-regarded in his field. He also had many behaviors that ‘hurt’ those who loved him. Lateness, failure- almost constant to carry through plans that were pleasing and anticipated by others. One day we were on a long distance car ride- I forget how the subject began but I mentioned that his responses were narcisisstic. He said-” I could never be accused of being narcissitic because I LOATHE myself.”
I replied that having such intense reactions of perceived imperfections of self was in itself narcissistic.
For once he failed to arguue!
Within the above it is also important to recognize that the definition of Narcissisim has greatly expanded and impacted other behavioral and psychiatric disorders over the years. I hope that within the future we will be able to differentiate and improve not only diagnostics (which ought to remain professional) but also the lay person’s application, protection and comprehension.
Some of what has been cited above may be easier to confront and comprehend under a different umbrella. Too much is now attributable to NPD. It blurs human interactions.
We are all at times hostile and cutting- however as the article states- it is when a person ‘knows’ that they have injured another and continue to apply the style or insult elsewhere and again, that the pathology becomes truly evident.
Trying to find reality is something I struggle with my whole life after growing up with narcissists. They negate all your feelings and perceptions and all of reality so nothing has meaning and you have no sense of direction. Feels like you can’t feel anything and you don’t know why you do anything. Your self and life are completely negated.
About subtle put-downs, my friend does everything in this article. He’s has signs of schizoid and Asperger’s but does a few of the same things as narcissists. Claims his insults and “jokes” are banter and I’ve argued with him a million times but it never stops. It seemed to me he just enjoys it in a sadistic sense or to make himself feel superior because the jokes aren’t funny or clever. There’s no point to them. He respects me in some ways but in others has no concept of respect. He just overrides my feelings like a little kid that thinks you’re being silly and won’t give any gravity or seriousness to how you feel. (Of course he’ll imply there’s something wrong with me and I should just be more apathetic like him.) I figured he is just genuinely incapable of knowing how to assign meanings and emotions to things since he doesn’t have much emotion and maybe doesn’t understand.
Thing is Charlie, if you’ve explained that certain things hurt you and he just argues against them, then he doesn’t care about your feelings. Anyone can be clumsy and get things wrong, but to argue back shows a lack of respect.