Narcissists are social chameleons. And don’t have a stable sense of self. The only things stable about them is their lust for narcissistic supply. Which is attention, adoration, power and money.
Narcissists change their personalities to help them get what they want. And whilst we all do this to a degree, narcissists take it to extremes.
Narcissists display wildly different personas to different people. So they may not want some people in their lives to meet. Because they might discover their shape shifting ways.
Narcissists also tell wildly different tales about their lives to different people in different areas of their life. So their work colleagues may hear a completely different version of their home life than their family experiences. Or their family may hear about the narcissists past glories that are wildly exaggerated.
This leads to them keeping secrets that they don’t want spilling into other areas of their life. Because they’re biased, and frankly untrue. And they reveal their true nature and motivations.
To help you learn more about how narcissists operate, here’s some of the ways narcissists lead secret lives…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
At Work
At work, narcissists usually claim to be good to their family. They may brag about helping their ailing Mum. How they care for their partner. Or the expensive horse riding lessons they buy their children.
However this probably isn’t true, or is greatly exaggerated. The narcissist may begrudgingly help their Mum… when they have to. They may be cold and uncaring with their partner. And pay for a donkey ride at the beach, which in their mind still counts as “horse riding lessons”.
Narcissists usually suck up to their bosses at work. Because they feel entitled to a higher status. And climbing the ladder reaffirms their greatness.
Most narcissists don’t progress via hard work. They usually befriend their boss, and find cracks in the system to make it seem like they’re doing a good job.
Narcissists want the status of a good worker, with all the trappings. But without getting their hands dirty and working hard.
Narcissists often bully lower ranking staff, under the guise of wanting the best for the company. And create the illusion that they’re disliked for demanding high standards. And that colleagues are jealous of their good work.
Unfortunately this often fools their bosses, because the narcissist is sweetness and light when they’re around. So the narcissist climbs the ladder. Despite doing little quality work.
At Home
When a narcissist returns home from work, they often talk about their day. And paint a picture of themselves as a hard working hero. Working tirelessly for the good of humanity, in the face of incompetence amongst their colleagues.
They convince their family they’re exhausted from their efforts. Coaxing them to wait on them hand and foot.
Behind closed doors, the narcissist is usually lazy and selfish. And do little for their family. Because they don’t need to impress them, as they already have them on their side.
Narcissists play their work and home lives off against each other. Claiming to each that they’re conscientious grafters. When in reality they’re unconscionable grifters.
Friendship
When a friend visits their home, the narcissists’ persona changes to a doting parent and loving partner. And they’re pleasant and caring with their family.
The narcissists friends are usually fooled into thinking they’re family orientated. And work hard to give them a good life. When the reality is very different.
Narcissists often treat their friends better than their family. Because they want to be popular. So they’re warm, kind, and generous to their friends. But cold, uncaring and stingy to their family.
And to rub salt in the wound, their friends often tell their family how great the narcissist is. And how lucky they are to have them around. Grrr!
The Affair
Not all narcissists have affairs. But many do. And some lead double lives, with two or more partners.
The narcissist may claim they’re working late, to justify the time away. And use this time to see their bit on the side, whilst cementing their working class hero status.
To justify the affair and to string them along, they usually claim that their partner is cruel, abusive and unloving. And have pushed them to infidelity. When the truth is usually the complete opposite.
This makes their affair feel sorry for their situation. And keeps them hanging on, as they believe the narcissist is having the affair for the “right reasons”. And that they’re more than just a bit on the side.
The narcissist usually claims they’re not intimate with their spouse. And that their affair is really their primary partner. Despite still living with their spouse, and secretly leading a normal(ish!) married life.
On-Off Relationships
On-off relationships create the perfect smokescreen for narcissists. Because they can blur the lines between when one relationship ends, and another begins.
Some narcissists continually move between several on-off relationships. Often overlapping between them. But things are confusing for their partners, as narcissists are often unclear when the relationship has actually ended.
The narcissist might end one relationship when they’re bored, or want to punish their partner. Which gives them space to rekindle an old flame. And once they tire of that, they may return, or rekindle another relationship from their past.
Some narcissists spend years secretly cycling between different relationships. And lead multiple secret lives with many different partners.
Money
Narcissists are often reckless with money. And like to pretend they’re wealthier than they are. So they may be extravagant to impress friends and affairs. Despite being stingy with their own family, who they don’t need to impress.
This often leads to them having secret debts. And they’re sometimes known to take out loans in their partners name. Who are oblivious until the wheels fall off financially, or the relationship ends.
Some narcissists develop secret gambling problems to help them live beyond their means. Their delusional thinking convinces them that they’re destined for a windfall. Because they’re born special. But as we all know, only the bookies are guaranteed to win. And the narcissist must hide their losses.
Their Past
Narcissists are usually even more lazy in their younger years. And may work sporadically at best. Preferring to sponge off friends and family.
Narcissists usually flunk college or university. Or scrape through by the skin of their teeth. Or find ways to cheat the system.
But this is OK, because they fabricate their past. So according to the narcissist, their CV is bursting with interesting and demanding jobs. And although they’ve “lost” their certificates, they’re highly decorated scholars.
Whilst many people exaggerate past achievements to land jobs, narcissists take it much further. And because they’ve got so much front, they often land jobs they’re not qualified to do. So they must keep this secret from their colleagues.
Narcissists also lie about past relationships. And although they treated their exes poorly, they claim they were the victim. And project their faults onto them.
Nomadic Lifestyles
Many narcissists have periods where they move to different areas. Usually because they’ve wronged people and damaged their reputations. So they move to find fresh victims.
In a new area, they can be whoever they want to be. And can lie about past accomplishments and good deeds. Claim the wrongs they committed were actually done to them. And create a holier-than-thou persona, who’s trusted by their new audience.
These new people see a charming fresh face. And have no idea of the monster that lurks within. And of course the narcissist doesn’t reveal this… until it’s too late.
Final Thoughts
Most narcissists compartmentalise their world. And keep people apart so they can lead secret lives.
Some narcissists take it further, and hide behind religion and charitable works. Diverting suspicion from their narcissistic ways.
Narcissists desperately want to be liked, because this gives them narcissistic supply. But they also want to be narcissistic. So their secret lives are the perfect solution.
Their secret lives allow them to be narcissistic, whilst maintaining a better than deserved reputation. Allowing them to have their cake and eat it. Which is what narcissists are all about.
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