Hoovering is what narcissists do when they want to re-establish contact. And draw you back into their lives. But hoovering has an element of deceit. Because the narcissist knows that it’s not in your best interests to rekindle the relationship. So they must get creative.
Narcissists are bottomless pits when it comes to attention. And they don’t like being single, or spending too much time alone. So when they’re low on supply, they may try to hoover back an ex.
It’s generally quicker and easier to hoover back an ex than it is to find someone new. And narcissists like to save time and effort. So they pull out their black book, and see which victim they can hook back in.
With the passing of time, narcissists hope you’ve forgotten the horrors of the past. And look back through rose tinted glasses. And of course they help paint this distorted picture if you let them.
This article shows you some popular narcissist hoover tactics. And how they try to convince you that you should take them back. This helps you see them coming, and understand what they’re really up to.
Here’s the common narcissist hoovering tactics…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Claim They’ve Changed
The narcissist may message you out the blue, telling you they’ve changed. This is because they understand that they hurt you. And that you’re rightly wary of them.
Claiming they’ve changed attempts to disarm your concerns. Because it implies that they won’t treat you the same this time. And it uses your forgiving nature against you. Because most of us are taught to forgive and forget. And holding grudges are bad.
Except the narcissist hasn’t changed. It’s just words to draw you back in. And whilst they may display a temporary change, it’s all for show. Narcissists always revert back to type if you take them back. In fact they’re usually worse. Because if you take them back, they interpret this as acceptance of their previous bad behaviours.
In all truth, I’ve yet to see a hoovering narcissist change. Not permanently. So the odds are stacked firmly against it.
Claim They’ve Missed You
The narcissist may hoover by claiming they’ve missed you. And talk fondly about the good times. But the narcissist is using your empathy against you.
The might miss the things you did for them. And the attention you gave them. But they don’t miss you.
Narcissists know that when your emotions are engaged, your logic flies out the window. And that suits them fine. Because logically it makes no sense for you to take them back. But emotion gets round logic, and causes people to make unwise decisions. And they want you to make an unwise decision on them!
Ask For Something Back
A narcissist might ask for something back if they want your attention. Or they might offer to return something of yours.
Narcissists like leaving things with their partners and borrowing things. Because it gives them insurance. As it’s a great excuse to get back in contact, should things turn sour.
You could post the items, but the narcissist won’t welcome this. They always suggest a meet up. Because this gives them a chance to sink their claws in and work their magic.
Unless the item is super valuable, it’s usually worth writing it off. And accepting you’ll never get it back. Because keeping a narcissist out your life is more valuable than most possessions.
And if you have something of theirs, post it, or give it to someone to pass to them. Then you don’t have to meet up. And they’ll hate it!
Play The Victim
A narcissist might try to gain a response by playing the victim. They may claim they suffer with a serious illness, either mental or physical. Or that life has treated them cruelly in some way.
The narcissist knows that you have empathy. And you care about others. So if they lay it on thick about their problems, you’re likely to feel bad and reply.
Just remember that you’re not responsible for their welfare. And they wouldn’t care about helping you in your moment of need, unless there’s something in it for them.
Claim They’re Suicidal
Some narcissists push it further and pretend they’re suicidal. And claim only you can help them. Aren’t you special?!
This is a particularly devious tactic, because it places the burden of their safety onto you. And it implies that if you don’t respond, then the consequences are your fault.
If they get a response, then the narcissist is in a strong position. Because they know that you care. And they can play on this. Knowing they can snap their fingers, claiming suicidal thoughts, and you come running.
If a narcissist ex claims to be suicidal, then point them to a qualified therapist. Because it’s unlikely that you’re qualified to help them. And it’s unfair to burden you with this responsibility 24/7.
It’s likely that they’re making this up. But pointing them to a therapist removes any guilt you might feel. And gives them less ammunition if they decide to smear you for being uncaring.
Provoke You
The narcissist might try to hoover you by provoking you. They may spread malicious lies. Or flaunt their questionable choice of new partner over social media. And the purpose of the provocation is to gain a response, even if it’s negative.
Narcissists crave attention so much that even negative attention is better than none. So they might be happy that you give them a piece of your mind. Because it still shows they matter. And it gets the conversation going.
Once their provocations have opened the lines of communication, the narcissist might change tactic. And may for example play the victim, or claim they’ve missed you. Hoping to draw you in.
Blank Message Or Missed Call
Narcissists sometimes hoover by sending “accidental” blank messages or missed phone calls. They hope this gets a response, and they can act like it was you approaching them. And not the other way round.
Some narcissists don’t like to lose face by approaching people first. Because it risks rejection. And if they’re rejected , it challenges their delusions of superiority. So they make an “accidental” approach, so they can backtrack if they need to.
Accidentally Bump Into You
In a similar way, narcissists may hoover you by “accidentally” bumping into you. They may turn up at your place of work, “forgetting” that you work there. Or appear at places they know you visit.
Again this allows the narcissist to save face if they’re rejected. Because they can claim it was a chance encounter.
Some narcissists are even known to move house right near their ex. Just so they can bump into them. And triangulate them with their new flame.
One Last Conversation
A narcissist might pique your interest by saying there’s “something I need to tell you”. And because narcissists don’t give proper closure at the end of relationships, it’s easy to want this final conversation. Because there’s usually so many unanswered questions.
But the narcissist knows what they’re doing. They know you’re curious as to what they want to tell you. Which makes it irresistible to turn them down. And they know that your mind speculates, “Do they want to apologise?”, or “Maybe they’re finally realised how they treated me?”
The narcissist also knows that if you entertain a last conversation, then you might still be emotionally invested. And they can test the waters with their “apologies”, and gauge your reactions.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists hoover to manipulate their ex’s back. Because they know the honest approach is unlikely to work. The past was less than stellar. And their current motives are questionable. So why would you take them back?
Continue going no contact if you can. Because any response opens the lines of communication. And allows the narcissist to play their mind games. Remember, they know your weaknesses. And are likely to exploit them.
The narcissist will tell you things that you want to hear. And may promise the Earth. But despite their promises, they always revert back to type.
Narcissists want someone to use, not someone to love. And they’re prepared to be devious to get it. So keep your wits about you, and don’t get sucked in.
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