Not all narcissists are hoarders, and not all hoarders are narcissists. But there’s a correlation. From my observations, a significant number of narcissists show some hoarding behaviour. Particularly those with borderline traits.
Narcissist hoarders may have homes that resemble junk yards. Making simple tasks, such as cooking and even cleaning, a logistical nightmare. Yet they seem oblivious to the chaos around them.
Why do some narcissists hoard, when it makes their life more difficult? What do they get from it? Do they know they’re doing it? In this article I’ll explore the reasons why narcissists hoard…
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Laziness/Apathy
I thought I’d get this one out the way, because it isn’t technically hoarding. But it can look like it.
Some narcissists can’t be bothered keeping their house tidy. Or even throwing things away. So they accumulate stuff over time.
These narcissists avoid tidying for a few reasons. They may find housework boring. Because narcissists need more stimulation than most people.
Some narcissists feel that tidying is beneath them, due to their delusions of superiority. So they won’t entertain the idea of doing it. As it’s the job of someone inferior.
Other narcissists are so self absorbed, they don’t see the chaos around them. So they happily go about their day, oblivious to the mess piling up.
These narcissists aren’t really hoarding. But they build up things over time, because of their unwillingness to keep an orderly home.
Control
Many narcissists hoard due to their need for control. As you probably know, narcissists like to control relationships. Because it makes them feel safe, and less likely to be abandoned. (Particularly borderlines). But people are hard to control, even for narcissists.
No matter how much narcissists try, peoples’ lousy free will gets in the way. And they do things that the narcissist doesn’t expect. So they may turn to hoarding to regain a feeling of control. Because inanimate objects don’t wander off and do their own thing.
So some narcissists seek comfort by collecting material objects. Because they have full control over them. Which is why they may react angrily if someone throws things away, or even moves them. As it threatens this control.
Impulsivity
Most narcissist are impulsive. And are bottomless pits for their wants. So they impulsively buy things they don’t need, because they seem like a good idea at the time.
However they can’t admit they’ve made a bad purchase. So they keep their stuff piling up in their house. Even though they may never use it.
Trophies
Some narcissists keeps trophies from past relationships. Such as love letters, clothing, and other items.
Narcissists may keep these trophies as proof of past relationships. And to remind themselves how desirable they are.
These trophies provide narcissistic supply, particularly when the narcissist is feeling lonely and unloved. And they may use these trophies to show off to others.
Another benefit of trophies from past relationships is leverage for hoovering. If the narcissist wants to win an ex back, they may get their foot back in the door by offering to give these things back. And they may use the fact that they’ve kept these items as “proof” they still care.
Narcissist Depression
There’s a high prevalence of depression among narcissists. And this can cause them to give up on life.
Once they’ve given up, keeping a tidy home is the least of their concerns. And even if they prefer things tidier, their depression saps their motivation.
In this scenario, the narcissist may spiral into a deeper depression, the worse their house gets. So they deteriorate alongside their home. Making it increasingly harder to get back on track.
To Assert Their Dominance
Narcissists like to dominate others. And some narcissists assert their dominance over their household, by filling it with their stuff.
These narcissists fill every room, almost like they’re marking their territory. So wherever you turn, their presence is felt.
Some narcissists see these objects as extensions of themselves. So they expect them to be respected and left alone. Even if they’re slowly decaying in a dark corner. Or blocking access to part of the house.
Play The Victim
Some narcissists play the victim to gain attention and favours. Particularly covert narcissists.
Hoarding is a visual show that thing’s aren’t OK. As there’s no doubt that something’s not right, if their house is rammed full of stuff.
Some narcissists let their house deteriorate, to visually communicate they need help. So people feel sorry for them. And help them get back on track.
Whilst these narcissists enjoy a free team of cleaners, they also enjoy the attention. And secretly fantasise about being rich and powerful, with a team of staff waiting on them.
I’ve even known narcissists to make regular posts on social media about their home, hoping to find rescuers. But think of this…
A genuine victim usually dissuades people from helping. Because they feel guilty. And they understand that it’s their own problem that they must solve.
Another clue they’re playing games is if they don’t help with the clean up. Any normally thinking person would do the lions share. Rather than sit back and watch others work for them.
Punishment
Some narcissists hoard to passive-aggressively punish people in their home. These narcissists deliberately make living conditions hell. Just to get back at their family.
I know this sounds crazy, and it is. The narcissist sacrifices their own standard of living, just to punish others. And it might be over a whole bunch of nothing.
Narcissists are incredibly thin skinned, and highly entitled. Which means that seemingly innocent things trigger a narcissists wrath. So they could be making their own, and everyone else’s life a misery, over something trivial.
Animal Hoarding
Some narcissists hoard pets in the same way they hoard objects. And may have a large and intrusive collection of animals roaming around their home.
The function of these animals is to make the narcissist feel better about themselves. As the narcissist has full control over these creatures. Which, like I said earlier, is difficult to replicate with people.
Sadly, these animals are often neglected. Because like most things, their function is to serve the narcissist. Not the other way round.
Final Thoughts
Like I said earlier, not all narcissists hoard. Some get a fix by being super tidy. And looking down their nose at less tidy people.
However a significant amount of narcissists do hoard. And this often brings misery to themselves, and those around them.
Sadly, the narcissist doesn’t care what impact their hoarding has on others. Because their prime concern is themselves. And if their hoarding fulfils a need, then they’ll do it. Even at the cost of their loved ones mental and physical health. And even their own.
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Alas, I never make my bed. It always looks unkempt, but I wash the bedclothes regularly. Why? Because it’s fruitless when the dog is still on the bed, pushing the sheets and/or blanket, to make a nest, or else it’s a bit cold and he wants to get under the bedclothes.
I mentioned this on Quora, and one person was disgusted that I’d sleep with my dog, even though I wash him dog). But a cohort of dog-lovers who showed pictures of their dogs. One lady had two dogs lying on the bed…(were they Doberman or Great Danes! I don’t remember.) Needless to say, the bed was very big!
Unlike things, pets are loving and loyal and they won’t abandon us. That’s why I try to give the same love. Because I live in a rental house, I can only have one dog at a time but he is the King!
In fact, one of then would growl at me when he wanted my attention. It’s lucky that my partner loves dogs as much as me, but he said I was unwise to let him “get me over a barrel”, as he said.
I was lucky that he had a lot of empathy!
Oops, I meant keep the dog clean and wash the bedclothes.
Well it’s your bed. You can do what you like with it!
Many people would think my house is a mess because we have furry friends. If my significant other and I could buy a house, we’d adopt another dog, and maybe another if I could afford to. But what I do hoard is BOOKS! I have bookshelves on every walls in the house.