I previously wrote an article explaining gaslighting. To add more clarity, I’m going to highlight some common gaslighting phrases, and explain what their intentions are.

This should help you identify whether you’re being gaslighted. And understand the attack that’s being made on you.

Armed with this knowledge, you’re more able to disarm it’s effects. Because you know what they’re REALLY up to. And a big part of the power of gaslighting is the uncertainty it causes.

Also you’re more able to remove yourself from the gas lighter, should you want to. Because you’re unlikely to remove yourself from abuse, if you don’t know it’s happening.

Here’s some common gaslighting phrases. Please feel free to add your observations in the comments at the end…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

I Was Only Joking

This is a common gaslighting phrase that narcissists use when you call them out over their insults. Rather than take responsibility, or apologise, they tell you that you misinterpreted their “joke”. Which effectively shifts blame onto you.

It says that it wasn’t an insult, it was a joke. And you took it the wrong way.

It’s a clever method of getting away with insulting you. Because they can take it back. Claiming a “joke” if you call them out on it.

Whether it’s a “joke” or not, their cruel and negative remarks affect you. Because they’re still processed by your brain. And they gradually increase in intensity and frequency over time.

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

You’re Too Sensitive

In a similar vein to “I was only joking”, a narcissist may accuse you of being over sensitive when you complain about their comments. This again shifts blame to you and your reaction. Allowing the narcissist to avoid responsibility, and avoid self reflection.

Someone who cares and doesn’t intend hurt would take your complaint seriously. Rather than dismissing it. And what’s really telling is when they repeat these same “jokes” in the future. Which shows a deliberate intention to hurt your feelings.

You’re Always Complaining

The narcissist may do things that hurt and let you down. But when you complain, they complain about your complaining. Rather than face the issue.

Again they shift the blame away from them and on to your response. Even if you had every right to complain.

This shows the narcissist doesn’t care about your feelings. And have no intention of modifying their behaviours. They’d rather shut you down, so they can continue hurting you.

I’m Doing This Because I Love You

Narcissists often blur the lines between tough love and abuse. And convince their partners their abuse is aimed to help them.

For instance, the narcissist may make cruel jokes about someone’s weight. Because they want to damage their self esteem and drag them down. But when confronted, they may claim they do it to help them lose weight.

Even if their partner knows this approach is unhelpful, they may still give the narcissist a pass. Because they wrongly believe it comes from a place of love. And not an act of malice.

You’re Crazy

Accusing you of being crazy is a stock gaslighting phrase for narcissists. It again shifts the blame to you. And repeated enough, gets you doubting your sanity.

This may leave to you wondering if their narcissistic ways are all in your mind. This is bolstered by the fact that normally thinking people don’t act like narcissists. So this creates doubt over whether you can trust your own judgement.

And even if you suspect they’re up to no good, that small shred of doubt is often enough to let their behaviours slide. And at its worst, it can convince people they really are losing their mind. Which can be highly distressing.

Why Are You Angry?

Narcissists may accuse you of being angry if you hold them accountable for something they’ve said or done. This acts as a smokescreen. Because whilst you’re busy denying your anger, or defending it, the real issue of their behaviour is buried.

You may be totally calm and rational, but that doesn’t matter. The narcissist WANTS you to be angry, then they can muddy the waters with a toxic argument. A calm and rational discussion is more likely to expose them.

But even if you remain calm, it still works in their favour. The confusion and disbelief at their accusations can be draining. Causing many to give up in frustration.

The only way to win its to remain as calm as you can. And keep sight of your original point. Because they will try everything they can to deflect you away from it.

I Didn’t Say That

Denying what they said may not be a sophisticated gaslighting phrase. But their total conviction, whilst looking you straight in the eye, gives it power.

Narcissists often seem so sure they didn’t say something, it’s easy to doubt yourself. Even though you clearly heard them, and you vividly remember.

The secret is that narcissists convince THEMSELVES they said something different. And when they convince themselves, it’s easier to convince you.

They can convince themselves so well, they display genuine anger at your “accusations”. Even though they deep down know you’re right.

You Said…

In a similar way, narcissists convince themselves you said something different to what you actually said. And are so definite, it’s difficult not to doubt yourself – at least a bit.

That small shred of doubt is often enough for an empathetic person to cut them some slack. Even though your gut knows you’re right.

This can cause you to learn to ignore your gut feelings. Because you think they’re not to be trusted. Because according to the narcissist, they’re rarely right.

But remember, ALWAYS listen to your gut feelings. Whilst they’re not 100% accurate, they are their for a reason. And should NEVER be ignored. They’re your mind and body’s way of telling you something’s not right.

You Know What Your memory Is Like

Narcissists like to establish that others have a poor memory. Because then they have the power to rewrite history.

If you’re convinced your memory is bad, then you have to accept the narcissists’ version of events. And of course the narcissists version is heavily biased in their favour.

Something they said or did in the past may contradict something they now say or do. No problem. The narcissist can claim you remembered it wrong. If they did something selfish or wrong in the past, they can retell the story, making it out that they did the right thing.

And if you believe them, you increasingly doubt the ability of your memory. Because each amendment they make is blamed on your “poor memory”. Either directly or indirectly.

Much like trusting your gut, if something feels “wrong” then it probably is. Ask yourself this – does your memory fail you so much when you deal with other people?

You Made Me Cheat

Narcissists are so determined not to take responsibility for their actions, they even accuse their partners of “making” them cheat.

Since no one is perfect, it’s easy to pull out some sort of “flaw” and use it as an excuse for cheating. And if all else fails, they can fall back on a vague line such as “you didn’t love me enough”.

A narcissist may even set this up in advance. And repeatedly accuse their partners of something. Then if they get caught, use this as the excuse for cheating. “I did warn you.”

Neuro-typicals usually treat their partners better when they’re cheating. To throw them off the scent, and to relieve their guilt. Narcissists usually do the opposite, and create more problems. Then they have an excuse to fall back on, should they get found out.

You’re Supposed To Be On My Side

Narcissists often use this gaslighting phrase when they’re in a conflict with someone else. And you point out that the narcissist acted in the wrong.

Narcissists don’t want this honesty. They expect cheerleaders who back them no matter what. Which shows they’re not prepared to reflect and improve themselves. They just want to be told they’re right – even when they’re not.

Narcissists often put their loved ones in a moral dilemma. They don’t want to be on the side of someone who’s done something wrong, but they don’t want to go against a loved one either. This causes some to convince themselves the narcissist must be right. Even when deep down they know they’re not.

But the fact is, anyone can be wrong, no matter what their relationship is with you. And they have no right to expect your unwavering support if they’ve acted immorally. That’s not right , unhealthy, and unfair.

What About When You…

If a narcissist is backed into a corner, they might throw out something you did wrong in the past. Even if it has NOTHING to do with what’s currently going on.

For example, they may have let you down when you made arrangements with them. And when you complain, they talk about when you burnt their dinner 3 years ago.

Of course this is a smokescreen. And they hope you switch to defending yourself, and forget about attacking them. And even if you see through their ruse, it’s likely to cause confusion.

Them not holding their hands up and apologising shows they don’t care. Instead they’re more interested in getting away with it. So they have licence to continue treating you badly.

Narcissists also have trouble admitting they did anything wrong. Because that challenges their delusions of superiority. So they sometimes gaslight as a by-product of this trait.

That Was In The Past

As a last resort, narcissists may throw out the line, “That was in the past”.

Narcissists use this to draw a line through what you’ve said. And discard it in “the past”. But EVERYTHING is in the past!

This has the intention of making it irrelevant. Like it doesn’t matter. Simply because it happened before the present moment. If you think about it, that doesn’t make sense.

Imagine being pulled over by the Police for doing 100. I’m sure they’d let you go when you point out that it was in the past!

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How Narcissists Gaslight