Following a whirlwind romance not at my pace or if honest with little intention of one from myself, it was driven by this person, a twenty odd year relationship began. In this initial period of the transaction, that’s incidentally what the coming years would entail, there were several red flags.
Not only was this person betrothed to get married to her childhood sweetheart at this time, she was also appearing unannounced at my apartment at unusual times of the day and night, a degree of entitlement and lack of boundaries. I was a year out of a violent marriage and engrossed in my work life as a coping mechanism, not fully recovered and vulnerable.
Having a moral compass, I did wait a few months post the cancelled marriage; incidentally this was actioned three days before the planned event while I can’t say how the groom must have felt, they were none the less discarded which is a horrible event as many of us understand.
This person was very pretty, kind, and esoteric, clever, and highly functioning while I was enamoured by the intense interest in someone like me, they were wonderful person in this time. Having this relationship delighted my parents, not that this was a goal, but they witnessed how they treated me, this also lent to me thinking I had found the one. Even more, my parents were happy in their own relationship and were beautiful people, I did have a happy, supportive upbringing in a safe environment. Unfortunately, they are no longer living and missed and loved.
Soon after our first child was born, the happiest time of my life, we shared two kids together in total whom I adore and am proud off things changed. We never fought although did have the odd argument which I always took the blame for. On reflection this was learned behavior.
Reflecting on the relationship now I can see its cyclical nature however when in the relationship it was that subtle, I couldn’t recognize it. This cyclical nature over the years grinded my gears until I relented and would take a serious reflection on myself and my behaviors in the relationship, this even involved going to counselling on this person’s instruction. They would call me a very complicated person; this was a control tactic.
In this time, I was not allowed to go anywhere on my own, at the time I thought it was because the bond was that strong but now know this was controlling and based on insecurity. The opposite was the case with them while I encouraged them to go out often.
My socialization during most of the relationship was anchored in my work life, I was self employed and had business premises also, my phone was always ringing and for me my family came first and was satisfied with my limited friend network. Coincidentally we moved many times, mostly to rural areas where we knew no one, this person was always the reason for these moves, they insisted. Finally, I built my own home for the family, again in a rural plot away from any support mechanisms I may have had. Shortly after I gave up my self-employed status again influenced by this person.
These patterns of social isolation and critical analysis of my life continued however their many texts that I received always began with how’s my lovely man which was not what they were accusing me of being after the discard.
I will now summarize the ending of this relationship while I hope I have painted a picture in the previous paragraphs. Due to the demands of the relationship I found myself seriously ill, almost dying. I wish to remain anonymous therefore won’t elaborate too much although health professionals still remind me how lucky I was. It was after this sad event that things took a dramatic change. Arguments started happening out of nothing and serious concerns regarding finance seemed to be for my concern only. I was exhausted, at a time when I needed my family the most I was being attacked, laughed at, and felt like the butler and not a loving father, which I am.
This awful alienating behavior continued and had grown to involve other family members while friends were casting strange looks at me which puzzled me. Things got that bad that I offered to leave. Being magnanimous about the situation I told them I loved them too much to have them feel this way and it couldn’t continue. They agreed, through tears and told me they wanted me always to be part of the kids lives which I responded I would help them, including her financially until they got on their feet.
I had inadvertently caused a narcissistic injury, something I will explain, and left the home on an errand. when returning this person challenged my decision after previously agreeing an hour earlier. They said is that really it. I told them I was so confused, disorientated and lost about what was going on. We ended up getting back while that evening, they were overindulgent while sitting beside me on the sofa, it was so awkward and overbearing I asked them to stop, not sexual or explicit but fawning and petting, very strange.
This was one of my many mistakes when changing my mind for it allowed for one of the worst, wicked insidious things ever done to me. We often hear it said that the narcissist must be the one to do the discarding, grandiosity, entitlement and all that ego stuff. When I say it was brutal, please believe me it was terrible and came like a bolt of lighting out of the blue.
Can I also say that at this stage I did not know or understand Narcissism but can confirm I seen a pair of black shiny eyes, soulless and without life in the person I loved. There is a lot of objective and subjective information on the internet about the black eyes some of us have seen in our partners. I am open to various explanations however I can explain to you it was frightening and was a key moment in recovering. Let’s just say it explained a lot of irrational erratic behaviors.
It was during this period, one filled with despair and dramatic loss that I was called a narcissist. Not to contradict the previous paragraph, the dark eyes but I did however spend some time researching the subject believing I was one. They told me at this time that they needed time and that I had no empathy or capacity for love. I now know this was a projection, I’m one of the most empathetic people I know, to a fault. My saving factor through what I can only describe as horrendous was being called the narcissist, this may have saved my life and I mean that seriously.
It has been a few years since this all happened, and the attacks are continuing. I don’t want this to trigger or frighten anyone by saying that, but I do believe I’m dealing with someone who is very high on the spectrum and maybe pathological. Some of the things that have happened include breaking into my home and stealing of its contents, twice. Phone calls to my employers. False allegations to authorities. Cyber stalking and bullying. Triangulation using the new supply via phone calls and further allegations.
One of the clear things that are a constant in this situation is the projection by this person which worries me when they accused me of stalking them, basically their admitting stalking me, concerning. They have overplayed there hand now and have exposed themselves and may be in trouble.
I can think back to the start of the relationship, the mirroring, the gifts, the vacations, the fun, it was a far cry from the ending. As a result of accepting this situation for what it is has been significant in the road to healing. Still in isolation, by choice now I have taken this time to heal. I carry no hatred for what happened rather I which to seize it as a new opportunity.
I am not ready for a relationship although I do know the value in love and having that relationship with reciprocity, support and individual lives sharing quality time with each other, that would be beautiful.
This person sent me a friend request three months into the breakup after ghosting me but at that stage I understood triangulation. They even used our married name after reverting to their maiden name on social media in the months previous. If I can share one thing with anyone who reads this, refuse it if it happens you too, it will save you a world of hurt as this is strategic to give you hope then take it away in a cruel way.
This person wanted me to sit on a shelf until they were ready to come back and play with me. Instead, I used their absence to heal and sought professional help and still utilize other avenues when it comes to self-help. Being some one who values work and its benefits I through myself into it believing that it would help get through the worst pain I have ever experienced.
Can I also inform you that through doing this, yes it has helped to a degree however I have also learned to stop, just do nothing. While in the relationship I was always going somewhere, doing something, serving the narcissist. Stopping, watching silly TV, reading a book, playing music are brilliant and now the joy is coming back to these areas after working on healing.
To conclude can I also inform you I did not engage with the situation. I stood back and recognized that this was not me and was owned by someone else. This has also allowed me to heal, I have forgiven this person and do still reflect on the good times, the birth of the kids particularly.
A friend who is aware of the situation asked me is this person to be pitied or are they evil. Being in charge of my emotions and not looking for revenge I realize that this is a mental health issue with a lot of very wicked punishing behaviors , yes, it has changed my life forever although I now have PHD in narcissism and as a result do something that’s kind each day, usually without looking for credit or acknowledgement, that would be narcissistic, right, writing this brief is todays, I hope it helps someone.
Thanks for sharing your story. There’s a lot that can be taken away and learned from it. And it’s clear you’ve learnt a lot, which puts you in good stead if another narcissist rears their head.
Yes there’s often red flags we miss or ignore during narcissist relationships. I did this too. So it’s good you acknowledge this, as you’re less likely to do it again. Just make sure you forgive yourself. Because it’s easy to miss the red flags when you’re in the thick of things, and don’t know much about narcissism. Even though it may look obvious now in hindsight.
I noticed you said you always took the blame for arguments. And that this was learned behaviour. It may have been learned from your previous relationship, but I’ll wager she also never accepted responsibility. And either implied everything was your fault. Or refused to hold her hands up, waiting for you to apologise instead.
Narcissists also like to make their partners feel there’s something wrong with them. And that they are difficult to live with. They do this deliberately so they look within themselves when there’s a problem. And fail to notice the narcissists behaviours. As they’re too busy looking inward.
It’s clear from what you’ve written that she began devaluing you during the relationship. And pushed you to the point where you wanted to leave. But it seems that she didn’t really want you to leave – probably because you were providing her with so much. Which may explain why she said “Is that really it”, and why you soon got back together.
She didn’t want to lose power by asking you to stay. And she probably thought you’d never follow through with it anyway. So when you did, she found a way to backtrack, whilst preserving the illusion that you needed her, more than she needed you.
As I think you’re aware, narcissists don’t like someone else ending the relationship. They must “win”. So it’s common for them to cajole someone back, just so they can end the relationship. It’s also about control, and narcissists must have control in their relationships. Which probably explains the stalking and harassments. As this is often done in an attempt to take control back. Because they control how and when they harass you.
You’ve clearly done a lot of learning about narcissism, which is absolutely the right thing to do. Because the more you learn, the more you understand their behaviours and motivations. And the less likely you are to fall for their manipulations.
I’m not sure whether this is relevant, as you might have already done it, but it may be wise to completely disappear. Not just from social media, but also move house, and maybe even change jobs. The less she knows about your whereabouts, the better. Because she’ll never bring anything positive to your life. Only vengeance and mind games. And if she’s still harassing you today, it could go on for a long time. Thanks for sharing!
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