Most of us like a peaceful and harmonious life. But not narcissists.
Narcissists like drama, conflict, and chaos. It gives them attention. Makes them feel powerful. And creates a smoke screen for their behaviours. They also like to prove they’re the best.
A narcissist loves it when they provoke a reaction. If you shout or swear, they see it as a win. Once you react, they know which button to press whenever they want to annoy you. And they feel powerful, knowing they have a level of control over you.
Narcissists are big attention seekers. And like a petulant child, they happily take negative attention, rather than none. They’re willing to engage in a 2 hour argument, for two hours of undivided attention.
Narcissists also know that arguments muddy the waters. If they behaved badly, they know a messy argument rarely reaches a resolution. And that’s what they want.
Narcissists don’t want to be held accountable for their actions. Or proven wrong. So an argument provides the perfect smoke screen. If they can make you angry and say something you regret, you look as guilty as them. And they can expertly shift the focus of the argument away from them, to what YOU just said.
If you have a narcissist in your life, it’s important to learn not to rise to their bate. That way you’re not dragged into their toxic world of drama and conflict. And left feeling you’re in the wrong.
Here’s some tips to help you avoid rising to their bate, and keep a clear and calm head…
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Take A Deep Breath
If a narcissist says something that annoys you, take a slow deep breath and pause for a moment. Remember, they often WANT you to react.
A slow deep breath quickly calms you. And gives you a moment to remind yourself not to bite. Don’t give them what they want!
Respond, Don’t React
Try not to react with emotion. Narcissists want you to react with emotion. That way you’re not engaging your rational mind. And things descend into an argument.
Stay calm and use your rational head. Like you would at work. Almost like having your professional head on. Pause for a moment, and think before you speak. And keep your emotions in check.
It has to be said that narcissists probably have more practice at arguing than you. They’re always at it. So if you allow them to drag you into their toxic world, it’s home advantage to them!
Stay Focussed
Narcissists may try to distract you with an argument if you bring up issues you have with them. They may bring up THEIR grievances. Even though they’re totally unrelated. Or wind you up any way they can. They often learn what things annoy you. And save them for moments like this.
Stay focussed on what you want to say. The narcissist doesn’t want an honest and rational conversation. They want to win, and they want to be right. So they’ll try every dirty trick to pull you away from your original point. And turn it into a messy argument.
If you stay calm, focussed, and on point, you have a chance of your message being heard. So keep reminding yourself what you want to say. And don’t let them side track you.
Ignore Narcissists Subtle Digs
Narcissists often dish out subtle digs. And if you say anything, they deny what they were doing. They might say they were joking. Or accuse you of being too sensitive. Either way, they won’t hold their hands up. In fact, they’re likely to do it more once they know it gets under your skin.
Subtle digs work well for most narcissists. They get to insult you without taking responsibility. Because it’s easy to deny what they’re doing. And it’s a form of gaslighting. Because whilst you feel insulted, they deny doing this to you. So you’re left confused and disorientated. “Was I just insulted?”
It’s usually best to ignore their subtle digs. And act like you’ve not noticed them. Then you’re not feeding them.
Narcissists often get bored, and give up. But if you bite, that spurs them on to continue.
Another option is to ask them to explain their “joke” – as if you didn’t get it. That usually has them fumbling!
Be Self Depreciating
Being self depreciating is a great way to fend off a narcissists put downs. It completely diffuses the situation. The narcissist has nowhere to go if you join in. “Yeah, I’m not the sharpest tool in the box.”
Narcissists hide it, but this really annoys them. It’s not the reaction they’re looking for. They WANT you to be angry or embarrassed. That way they hold power.
Being self depreciating hands the power back to you. Because you now own that insult!
Use Humour
When used right, humour is a great tool for disarming a narcissist. If you can point out their behaviour in a humorous way, you can stop them in their tracks. Narcissists egos don’t easily allow them to accept they’re wrong. But the right type of humour can bypass their ego. And is a gentle way of letting them know your message.
The humour shouldn’t come from putting them down. It should be more of a humorous observation of their behaviour. And it’s best to say it in an obvious tongue in cheek way, “You’re starting to sound like my Mum!” And of course if they react, you can claim you were joking!
Don’t Say Too Much
If a narcissist is trying to get under your skin, don’t do a lot of speaking. Because ANYTHING you say may be used against you. They’ll look for signs they’re annoying you. And the slightest sign they’ll jump on.
Even if you’re not reacting angrily, the narcissist may deliberately misinterpret something you said as “shouting” or being “off”. The less you say, the less chance you have of giving them ammo to use against you. But don’t be obvious about it.
Don’t Take It Personally
Don’t take it personally if a narcissist is having a go at you. Because of their low self esteem, they need to bolster themselves up. And sometimes they do this at the expense of those around them.
Just remember that their insults aren’t a reflection on you. It’s about them and their issues. So it’s not really personal.
Emotions Of A Child
Narcissists spend most of their life hiding from their emotions. So they don’t develop their emotional maturity. Most narcissists have the emotional maturity of a young child.
It sometimes helps to see them for the child they are. That way you can roll your eyes (in your mind) and ignore their childish attempts to cause trouble.
Final Thoughts
By not reacting to a narcissists bate, you win. Whilst you can’t control what the narcissist says or does, you can control how YOU react.
By staying cool and calm, you diffuse many of their negative behaviours. And the narcissist is less able to control and manipulate you.
Narcissists are usually hyper sensitive people. Even though many don’t appear so. They want to prove they’re superior, because deep down they’re insecure. So they can usually dish out way more than they can take.
It’s up to you to be the bigger person. To secretly roll your eyes when they’re handing out the snide comments. And to respond as a mature adult.
Then the narcissist can’t get to you. And because you don’t react, they don’t feel as threatened by you. Once they see your strength, they may treat you with more respect. And who knows, on some level you might learn to get on with them.
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