Narcissists believe they’re superior beings, that levitate above the rest of humanity. And part of their reasoning is because they lack empathy.
Narcissists believe their lack of empathy makes them strong. And the empathy of others makes them weak. And in some ways they’re right. (But in many ways they’re wrong!)
Narcissists learn to use peoples empathy against them. And use their own lack of empathy to their advantage.
Here’s how narcissists use your empathy against you. Once you learn their tactics, you’re better able to defend yourself…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Argue Or Back Down
Narcissists often push people into the position where they must either argue, or back down and give the narcissist what they want.
The narcissist knows that when the dust settles after an argument, your empathy makes you feel bad. So you avoid arguments. The narcissist on the other hand, doesn’t care. They’re happy to roll up their sleeves for a dust up.
Narcissists can engage in spiteful arguments, then sleep like a baby. They don’t feel bad for the hurt they cause, because they lack emotional empathy. This means if an argument is brewing, you’re more likely to back down than them.
Narcissists know they can use this against you. So when they want compliance, they turn up the heat. Because they know you’re likely to fold to avoid arguing.
For example if they want to hang out and you don’t, they might angrily accuse you of not caring about them, and ignoring them. This puts you on the back foot. And to wriggle free from an impending argument, you back down and spend time with them.
Guilt Trips
Narcissists love guilting people into compliance. They know you hurt when you feel guilty. And they use this as leverage to get what they want.
They might tell you in graphic detail their health problems. Hoping you’ll relieve their burden and do them favours.
They might cry about their financial problems. And make you feel responsible by pushing certain buttons. For example claiming they can’t afford to buy their child a birthday present, and only you can save the day.
These guilts trips often put you in a double bind. You feel bad for being taken advantage of. But at the same time you feel bad if you don’t help them. Just in case they’re telling the truth.
Entice You To Be Their Carer
The narcissist may for example borrow money from you every month. Until eventually you feel responsible for their finances. And set aside cash to help them.
They may claim they’re often depressed or suicidal. And only your company will help them. Meaning they can snap their fingers when they want attention, and you’ll come running.
Narcissists establish a silent agreement, where your role is carer. And the more you care for them, the more dependant they become. And the more dependant they are, the more your empathy drives you to help them. Because you’d feel awful abandoning them when they clearly need you.
Just remember, you’re not responsible for the narcissist. And whilst it’s good to help a friend in need, they shouldn’t depend on you.
Bring Up Their Past Good Deeds
Remember that bar of chocolate the narcissist bought you 4 years ago?! Well they do. Narcissists love bringing up their past good deeds when they want something.
The narcissist knows your empathy kicks in, and you naturally want to reciprocate. And you feel bad for saying no.
The narcissist may even do you a favour specifically so they can ask for one in return. And if they’re clever, they might do this a few days earlier, so it doesn’t look obvious.
Again your empathy is used against you. Because you feel bad saying no. Even if you’ve done way more than them in the past.
Also, your empathy probably doesn’t allow you to argue about all the things you’ve done for them. Because that would be rubbing their noses in it. And if you did, you can bet the narcissist would make you feel worse by accusing you holding the past against them. Even though they’re doing the same!
String You Along
Narcissists know that empathetic people are kind and forgiving. And they use this to string them along.
Narcissists see people as commodities to be used. And aim to take as much as they can. But they know they can’t take all the time. Because it will eventually push them away.
So the narcissist shows glimmers of hope. And acts nice every now and then to keep you on side.
And even though they may have done nine selfish things and one act of kindness, they know this gives you hope they’re changing. And that they’re a good person deep down. This keeps you around to do more for them.
Empathetic people are naturally forgiving, because they understand that no one is perfect. And they put themselves into other peoples shoes. Narcissists take advantage of this and drip the odd act of kindness to string them along. And keep them paying out.
Blame Shifting
Narcissists are notorious for blame shifting. This is where they blame their own failures on others. They might for example blame their partner for driving them to cheat. Or blame them for an argument they started.
Narcissists are usually skilled at passing the buck, because of years of practice. And they use a combination of truths, half truths, and lies, to build a convincing case.
Empathic people are more willing to look at their own faults. And since no one is perfect, they will find them. And narcissists use these against the empath. And blame the empaths faults for their own transgressions. “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…”
This blame shifting allows the narcissist to get away with treating people badly. Because their empathy convinces them they were at least partly to blame.
Triangulation
Triangulation is where the narcissist plays two or more people against each other. They usually control the narrative, and have the most contact with all parties.
A narcissist might for example tell their affair how awful their partner treats them. This entices their affair to be sympathetic to their “plight”. And draws them in to the affair, because they feel sorry for the narcissist. This also justifies their cheating behaviours.
A narcissist may also smear someone. And make up or exaggerate their bad behaviours towards the narcissist. This encourages empathetic people to side with the narcissist. And act with hostility towards the person they smeared. Inadvertently helping them bully that individual.
Boundaries
Boundaries are healthy in all relationships. But narcissists don’t like boundaries, because they get in the way of what they want.
To combat this, narcissists may act like your boundaries are acts of hostility. Making empathetic people feel bad for maintaining them.
This often encourages empathetic people to relax their boundaries. Because they don’t want to appear mean. Allowing the narcissist to cross them and take advantage.
You may for example state you’re tired when the narcissist wants to hang out. Instead of accepting this, the narcissist claims you’re always tired, and accuses you of avoiding them. Making your boundary appear like an act of hostility. And this can make empathetic people feel bad, and allow their boundaries to be crossed.
Emotion
Narcissists may use emotion to trigger others empathy. They might for example claim their children miss you, if they want you to visit. And who wouldn’t feel touched by this?
Many narcissists learn to cry at will. They know that empathic people feel their “pain” when they turn on the water works.
The narcissist may use tears to make you feel sorry for them. And do them favours to help relieve their “distress”.
They may also use tears as a smokescreen. And turn them on if you confront them over their behaviours. Their tears usually cause empathetic people to back track, and cease their attack. Feeling sorry for the narcissist.
Trauma Bonds
Some narcissists benefit from trauma bonds, particularly from their long term partners. This is like the Stockholm Syndrome, where hostages empathised with their captors. And felt loyalty towards them, even though they were held against their will. Similarly, narcissist partners often empathise with the narcissist, even though they’re abusive.
Even narcissists don’t treat people badly all the time. So their love starved partners pounce on any morsel of kindness that’s tossed their way. And just like a burger would taste like the finest steak if you hadn’t eaten for a week, these small gestures are hungrily devoured. And interpreted as great acts of love. “Wow, he made me a cheese sandwich”.
This strangely bonds people to the narcissist. They get addicted to the highs and lows, and the hormones these feelings create. And are fooled into thinking these feelings are a deep love.
Final Thoughts
These are just a few ways narcissists use your empathy against you. Narcissists consider themselves superior. And believe their lack of empathy is a super power.
Narcissists don’t feel bad when they take advantage of others, because of their lack of empathy. And they don’t care how their exploitations affect others. Because they’re so focussed on themselves.
Narcissists know you feel pain when you think you’ve wronged someone. Which is why many of their manipulation tactics involve convincing you that you’re the bad apple.
Narcissists know that you’re more compliant when you feel bad. Because your empathy drives you to make amends. And the narcissist reaps the rewards.
So always question when a narcissist makes you feel bad for something. Whether that’s directly or indirectly. Because there’s a fair chance they’re using your empathy against you.
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