Triangulation is where a narcissist plays two or more people off against each other. They pull the strings, and reap the benefits.

A classic example is where a narcissist deliberately stirs trouble between two people so they fall out. Then the narcissist acts as confidant to both. And gains several advantages.

The benefits of triangulation are usually control, attention, and favours. They also get a kick out of it.

Over the years I’ve noticed narcissists use MANY triangulation methods. If you learn about them, you can better see them coming. And understand what they’re up to.

Here’s a few triangulation methods I’ve noticed. Plus some tactics to help you neutralise them…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Introduce A “Friend”

During a romantic relationship, a narcissist might make friends with someone who fancies them. This serves a few purposes.

They hint to them that things aren’t going well in your relationship. And give subtle signals that they might be romantically interested in them. This often gets them favours. Such as drinks, meals out, gifts etc. And of course ATTENTION!

And if you say anything, the narcissist revels in you being jealous. And protests that they’re “allowed to have friends”.

Narcissists LIKE you being jealous. It proves they matter.

Plus they feel powerful and in control, MAKING you feel this way. And it keeps you on your toes.

The narcissist uses this friend as a subtle threat to you. Showing you they have options. So you’d better do as your told, and treat them like royalty.

They’re also looking for a reaction. They WANT you to be jealous. Then they can use your supposed jealous nature as an excuse for anything they do wrong. So don’t react if you can help it.

The Golden Child

Narcissist parents often have a golden child. This is the child that can do no wrong. They get the best gifts, accolades, and attention. But this comes at a price.

The golden child is expected to side with the narcissist parent on EVERYTHING. And they’re often sent out to snoop on their siblings. The golden child doesn’t want to lose their golden status, so they do as they’re told.

The narcissist parent dangles the golden carrot to the rest of their children, enticing them to compete. Maybe you can be my next golden child?!

This creates a “divide and conquer” situation. The siblings fight amongst themselves for golden status. And the narcissist parent pulls the strings.

If you’re in this position, you need to create unity amongst your siblings. That way you ALL benefit, as you no longer dance to your parents’ tune. Get together and talk about what they’re up to. And learn not to take the bate, and fight amongst yourselves.

Praise Another Person

A narcissist may praise someone for traits they want to encourage in you. They may for example heap lavish praise to you about how generous someone is.

This is intended to make you feel jealous, and compete with the other persons’ generosity. And of course there’s only one winner!

Narcissists also praise others as a way of indirectly putting you down. “My friend is probably the most intelligent person I know.” Implying you’re not.

But it’s difficult to call them out. They would deny it, arguing they can praise their friend if they want to. And probably accuse you of being crazy and jealous.

It’s usually best to let this slide, and act like nothing’s been said. Then you don’t feed their provocative behaviour. Because they want a reaction. And of course they want your generosity. So don’t react, and don’t be more generous than you otherwise would be.

Criticise Another Person

Narcissists sometimes criticise others as a way of indirectly criticising YOU.

For example they might criticise a friend who has a low paying job. Knowing you earn a similar amount. “He needs to get himself a decent career.”

This isn’t clumsiness, or a slip of the tongue. They KNOW what they’re doing. And of course it’s easy to deny they were having a pop at you.

Narcissist also criticise others to pressure you into doing things.

For instance they may want to borrow some money. Instead of asking you, they criticise a friend to you, for not lending them money. And go to town about how horrible they are for not helping a friend in need.

This pressures you to offer. Although they haven’t said anything nasty, they’ve implied bad things if you don’t conform.

This is a sneaky way of forcing you to do their bidding. But again, it’s difficult to call them out on it.

In this situation I act like I haven’t noticed their hint. And I’ve not offered to do what they hinted at. This doesn’t usually cause a problem.

Triangulate You With Themselves!

Narcissists are so sneaky, they triangulate you with themselves! Maybe this technically isn’t triangulation. But it’s my blog, so I’m including it!

I’ve heard narcissists criticise THEMSELVES in a way that puts others down. I’ll give you an example…

A narcissist might call themselves “a real loser” because they’ve been single 3 months. Knowing full well you’ve been single for 6 months.

They’re calling themselves, but really indirectly calling you.

What do they get out of this? They feel powerful for putting you down. Plus they chip away at your self esteem. And this makes you more controllable in the future. Someone low in self esteem is more likely to put up with their nonsense.

Again I usually act like I haven’t noticed this “put down”. And everything is usually fine. Just roll your eyes (in your mind) and don’t take it personally.

Narcissists Encourage Bullying

Another triangulation tactic is to encourage bullying. This is usually the tactic of more overt narcissists.

In a group situation, the narcissist may decide to get at someone for some reason. Perhaps punishment for not doing as they’re told. Or because they feel threatened by them.

So they bully this person in front of everybody. Then encourage someone to join in. And that person is put on the spot. They might not want to bully. But they know if they don’t, it could be them next.

“Oh, you’re just as bad as them are you?” Some people end up joining in the bullying for an easy life.

Then cleverly, the narcissist takes a back seat, and watches the drama unfold. After a few minutes, it’s forgotten how it started. And the narcissist is out the picture, as if they had nothing to do with it.

A good way out of this situation is to crack some sort of joke, then change the subject. Preferably to a subject you know the narcissist wants to talk about – themselves! That way you’re not coerced into joining the bullying.

“Ah, we don’t want to upset the poor soul. Anyway, tell me about that book you’re writing.”

This dissipates the awkward moment. But the narcissist doesn’t feel slighted either. So they won’t get angry.

Exaggerate A “Fault”

A narcissist may feel threatened by two people’s friendship. They might suspect one of them is on to them. Or they might want to be that persons sole friend. So they attempt to split them up.

One tactic I’ve seen is the narcissist finds a fault in the person, and makes it out to be worse than it really is.

For example they might have a bad habit of forgetting to respond to messages. A flaw yes. But not a deal breaker for friendship. The narcissist leaps onto this and complains about it ALL THE TIME.

For weeks and months they repeatedly complain about this “fault”, using provocative and emotive language. Their intention is to make YOU angry.

“I can’t believe they gave you the cold shoulder again. And it was your birthday last week. They’re so disrespectful. I don’t know why you take it.”

They make a mountain out of a molehill, and try to persuade you a minor fault is worth falling out over. And because they repeat their message long and hard, using emotive language, it can be convincing.

Just remember to keep things in perspective. Nod and say some quip like “Yeah, they’d forget their head if it wasn’t screwed on!”

That way you’re not disrespecting the narcissist by disagreeing with them. But you’re not calling your other friend either.

Narcissists Complain Of “Injustice”

A narcissist may find someone who’s compliant, and who often sides with them. Then bends their ear about some “injustice”. Wind them up, and watch them go!

The injustice may be real, made up, or exaggerated. The narcissist complains about how bad someone has treated them. Then sits back and watches them fight their battle for them.

For instance they may want their partner to buy them a new car. But they say they can’t afford one right now. So the narcissist complains to their partners Mother about them REFUSING to buy them a car. And how unfair it is. They usually make it sound worse than it is.

Then they sit back and watch their partner’s Mother do the dirty work for them.

If a narcissist complains to you about some injustice, listen politely, and agree with them if necessary. But don’t fight their battles for them. It’s likely you’re being bated.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists LOVE a good triangulation. They create situations that are confusing, complicated, and filled with conflict.

In the midst of the storm, they sneakily control things. And play people against each other. And it’s ALL for their benefit.

Narcissists gain favours, adoration, and attention. Plus the thrill of pulling strings and creating conflict.

It’s difficult to win with a narcissist. If you confront them, they act like it’s YOU that’s at fault. And they never admit what they’re up to.

The best tactic is usually to not react emotionally. Then it doesn’t feed their need for attention and drama. And they often grow bored and stop doing it.

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