Some narcissists keep affairs going for years, whilst retaining a seemingly normal married life. The narcissists’ affair is often aware they’re married. Yet continue seeing the narcissist for long periods of time. Why do they put up with this?

Whether you’re being cheated on, or you’re the affair, you’re both being manipulated. Once you learn how the narcissist strings along their affairs, you better understand the situation. Whichever side of the fence you’re on.

Understanding the situation usually clarifies that the narcissist is the real enemy, not the “other” man or woman. And this helps you make sense of things and move on.

Here’s a rundown of the methods narcissists use to string along their affairs…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Complain Of A Bad Marriage

The first step in the narcissists handbook is to establish they have a bad marriage. They may exaggerate or fabricate matrimonial problems. And look for sympathy from their affair.

They may claim their spouse is a cruel bully. Complain they never give them attention. And may even claim their spouse is cheating on them.

If the affair is empathetic, they naturally feel sorry for the narcissist. And want to comfort them from leading such a miserable life. And the narcissist laps this up, playing the poor victim.

This “hard done by” routine acts as a plausible explanation for the affair. The narcissist usually claims they never normally cheat. But they’ve been driven to it by their mean spouse. Helping them maintain trust with their affair, even though they display a blatant lack of loyalty to the person they’re married to.

The narcissist often claims they’re not intimate with their spouse. Which may or may not be true. And this helps their affair feel more at ease that the narcissist is technically all theirs. Even though they only see them once every Tuesday fortnight.

After a while, their affair natural questions why they don’t leave their spouse. If they’re so mean, then why don’t you leave? So the narcissist must get creative to string them along…

Blame Their Spouse

The narcissist may blame their spouse for why they can’t leave them. And claim their spouse can’t live without them for a variety of reasons.

They may say they have a physical illness, and can’t cope living alone. Or a mental illness, where they fear they’d take their own life if they left them.

This naturally makes the affair hesitant to demand they leave their spouse. Because they don’t want blood on their hands. And this gives the narcissist some breathing space to string them along for a while longer…

Blame Children

The narcissist may play the good parent, telling their affair they can’t leave “for the sake of their children”. And claim that as much as they’d like to, they have to think of their children before their own needs. What a martyr!

Of course their affair can’t verify these claims. And has to accept that the narcissist is the doting parent they claim to be.

The narcissist lays it on thick about all the things they do for their children. Usually claiming credit for what their spouse actually does.

They paint a picture of their spouse being a bad parent. Projecting their own faults onto them. And claim they’re vindictive enough to deny them access, should they split.

The narcissist sells the story that they’re trapped in a loveless marriage. But wants to see it through for the sake of their kids and their spouse. How noble!

Dangle The Carrot

Even with these insurances in place, their affair may still tire from the situation. So the narcissist dangles a carrot with some future faking. They may claim they will leave their spouse, but must wait for some future event.

They may want to wait until their children leave school. Then when that time comes, extend it until they leave college, then university, and so on.

Or they may claim they want to wait until their spouse is mentally or physically well enough to handle the split. Which allows the narcissist to dangle the carrot closer, then whip it away, since they control the narrative.

Say I Love You

Telling their affair how madly they love them is the glue that binds them together. They may talk about being soul mates with otherworldly connections. And how they’ve never felt this way about anyone ever.

Of course this is all talk. But it’s not every day someone says things like this. Which makes many affairs reluctant to end things, because they don’t want to throw away such a special connection.

When their affair gets fed up playing second fiddle, the narcissist reminds them of their special love. And reels them back in for a while longer.

Investment

After time has passed, it becomes more difficult for the affair to leave the narcissist. They’ve invested so much time, it becomes harder to throw it away.

It’s difficult to admit you’ve been played for so long. And ending things is almost an admission of this.

Some choose to cling on, praying the narcissist will one day leave their spouse. But the longer it goes on, the further they fall down the rabbit hole. And the harder it is to dig themselves out.

Call Round Unannounced

Often the biggest threat to the narcissist is their affair finding someone else. So the narcissist often creates this custom to clip their wings…

They call around to their affair unannounced. At random times, and on random days.

This means their affair has no idea when they’ll show up. Making them reluctant to risk inviting potential new partners round, through fear of an awkward encounter.

The narcissist may also phone or message at random times. Expecting a prompt response. And any delays may be met with suspicion and accusations. Keeping them in check, and reducing the likelihood of them “straying”.

Addicted

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. We naturally value things more when they’re scarce. And when you’ve not seen your “love” in weeks, it feels extra special when you do.

The affair doesn’t have the mundane day-to-day dealings with the narcissist. So things feel fresh and vibrant. And there’s an element of danger, as they scramble to find time to meet up.

An affair with a narcissist is an emotional roller-coaster. There’s loneliness, jealousy, and guilt on one hand. And excitement, and passion on the other.

Many people get addicted to these ups and downs. And the various hormones that are released because of it.

It’s easy to confuse these feelings with love. Because they’re powerful and ever present. And after a while, they feel unable to end things. Because this roller coaster becomes their norm. And anything less feels flat and boring.

Play The Role

Narcissists are comfortable pretending to be someone they’re not. It’s what they do. And they work out what their affair wants, then they deliver this.

Since the narcissist spends a limited time with their affair, they can pull out ALL the stops. Playing the role of someone dashing, kind, and passionate. Sweeping them off their feet with false bravado.

This makes honest and empathetic competitors appear dull and boring in comparison. Because they won’t gaze deeply in their eyes, telling them how utterly divine they are. They won’t caress their cheek with a red rose, whilst kissing them passionately on the lips. Because they live in the real world, and not some fantasy land.

Although it’s an act, it’s more exciting than reality. And sometimes we want a bit of fantasy.

We watch movies because they’re more enjoyable than day-today life. We suspend our disbelief, and enjoy the make-believe. And the same things happens with narcissists. You might enjoy their act, but none of it’s real.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists’ lovers become addicted because of their emotional thinking. They’re ensnared by their false promises, manipulations, and the false act.

The narcissist engages their emotional thinking to bypass their logic. Because logic dictates that genuine love and care trumps false promises and bravado.

So the narcissist disarms their lovers by engaging their emotions. Clouding their judgement, and keeping them on a string. It’s often only after some time has passed that they see the light.

Once the affair is over, their emotions die down and logic gradually kicks in. And eventually they see the narcissist for the shallow fraud they are. And wonder how in God’s name they fell for such a soulless creep. Meanwhile the narcissist moves on to their next victim.

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