Narcissists love nothing more than snapping their fingers and have people scurrying to their side. For one, it supports their delusions of power and superiority. But there’s also another reason.

Narcissists hate spending time alone.

Narcissists like to have people around them most of the time to regulate their thoughts and emotions. And to have someone to tell them how great they are, and do them favours. But they don’t earn this the hard way by creating healthy mutually-beneficial relationships.

Instead they spend their life devising ways to pressure people into spending time with them. It’s much less hassle, and they don’t really have the social skills to do it any other way.

Narcissists usually have several tactics to pressure people into spending time with them. And they’re insightful enough to sense which tactics work best on which person. If a tactic doesn’t work, they switch between them until one does. They also understand that switching between these tactics builds pressure. And if they keep their foot on the gas, you’re likely to fold.

Narcissists lack of empathy means that in their mind, their needs outweigh yours. So they have little regard to your situation. They don’t care if you’re tired, busy, or whatever. They just want your time and attention. And that’s it.

By learning their tactics, you’re better prepared to deflect them. And less likely to feel the pressure they put you under. You’ll see why they do the things they do. And understand why you feel how you do around them.

Here’s some of the tactics narcissists use to pressure people into spending time with them…

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Narcissists Trick You With Language

Narcissists may trick you into spending time with them by their use of language. A classic favourite seems to be asking, “What are you doing tonight?”

If you reply “nothing”, you’re probably met with something like, “Oh good, I’ll pop over later.” And at this point it feels almost impossible to say no. After all they’ve just been invited – albeit by themselves!

The implication is that if you don’t have plans, then you MUST have time for them. Narcissists usually ask this question completely out the blue. So you don’t have time to think of a reason to stay away from them.

The narcissist won’t check that you’re OK spending time with them. Because their eyes are fixed firmly on the prize – your time and attention. Your needs are irrelevant. So it’s up to you to say something like, “I was just going to relax tonight. I’m very tired.” But not only does this feel awkward, it’s probably not graciously accepted. And because of their past conduct, you already know this.

Please CLICK HERE For The Common Phrases Narcissists Say

Common Phrases Narcissists Say

Narcissists Pester

Some narcissists won’t take no for an answer, and openly pester you into spending time with them. Especially once they’ve established you have no plans. They ask repeatedly, and try to pick holes in your arguments.

You’re tired? Well it’s OK, we can chill out to MY favourite film! You feel ill? Don’t be silly, you’re always saying you’re ill (even when you don’t!)

But even if you have concrete plans, some don’t care. I have literally been asked to cancel a first date, cancel a paid gig when I was a musician, and ignore university work. All to spend pointless time with a narcissist, just because they’re bored!

Arrive At Your Door Unannounced

Some narcissists arrive at your door unannounced. Then it’s more difficult to say no, because they’re already there.

And they know that your light is on, and you car is parked outside. This puts pressure on you to open the door. Because it’s obvious you’re home.

If you don’t answer the door, they accuse you of ignoring them. And make you feel bad. They may do this in front of others. Hoping to embarrass you, so that next time you think twice about ignoring them.

Narcissists Don’t Take A Hint

Narcissist either won’t or can’t take a hint when it gets in the way of something they want. Some narcissists do this deliberately to pile on the pressure. Others don’t notice because they’re too self absorbed. But either way the effect is still the same – they ignore your hints.

You might ignore their calls for weeks on end. Or tell them how tired or busy you are these days. But they still persist. They push you into a position where your only option is to be blunt. They know that most people feel awkward being too direct. So they usually cave in to their demands.

And if you ARE blunt, they have another ace up their sleeve…

Act Offended

The narcissist will probably act offended if you say you don’t want to spend time with them. Like you’ve kicked them in the nether regions with steel toe capped boots on.

Narcissists don’t like to be beaten. And in their mind this is a power struggle they MUST win. How dare you exercise free will!

So they work on making you feel as bad as they can. And if there’s anything you say that’s even remotely unkind, they’ll home in on that, and blow it all out of proportion.

Pretty soon you’re left feeling like the bad guy. Just because you wanted to relax without them.

Remind yourself that this is a deliberate tactic. And that you have every right to spend YOUR time however you please. You’re not here to cater for their needs.

Accuse You Of Falling Out With Them

If you stand firm, the narcissist may try to push you into a different corner, and accuse you of falling out with them. “Have I done something to offend you?”

The narcissist knows that you feel uncomfortable if they “think” you’ve fallen out with them. And they leave you with an easy solution to this ”problem” they’ve created for you. And that is to spend time with them.

The narcissist hopes that you’ll want to prove you haven’t fallen out with them. And even if you don’t agree to spend time with them right now, you’ll probably agree to some future date, just to appease them.

Tell Others

If you don’t play ball, then the narcissist may involve others. They may talk about how you’ve been ignoring them in their hour of need. How you’ve changed. Or how you’ve fallen out with them.

Then well meaning mutual friends or family doing their dirty work. Asking you why you’re being so mean. And perhaps without realising it, pressuring you to spend time with the narcissist. But I have a very effective remedy to this, which has worked well for me in the past.

Say to that person, “Why don’t YOU spend time with them?!” That usually ends the conversation right there and then. Probably because deep down they know what the narcissist is like. And they don’t want to spend time with them either!

Play The Pity Card

Some narcissists imply that they’re depressed, suicidal, or whatever “problem” they can muster up. And play on your empathy. They know it’s difficult for a lovely empathetic person such as yourself to say no to a friend in need.

But these “problems” resurface time and time again. And they seem to live in a perpetual cycle of life threatening “problems”. And even when you suspect they’re playing the pity card, it’s difficult to say no, just in case they’re telling the truth.

In this situation I find it helpful to remember this. You are NOT responsible for them.

A Narcissists will attempt to create a whole scene where you, and probably many others, feel responsible for their welfare. And strangely it’s easy to get sucked in. Nice people like to help others. Just remember that they have a responsibility to look after themselves, as you do too.

Name Calling

Narcissists, particularly younger ones, may resort to name calling if you decline their invitations. They may call you “boring”, accuse you of “getting old”, or anything they think triggers feelings of inferiority.

Just remember this – it’s only words. And whatever they call you doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. You’re still you, for better or worse!

Younger people, who are keen to prove themselves, don’t like being thought of as a stick in the mud. And this can be an effective tactic to gain compliance.

But even if you’re older, the narcissist may still give this a go. Because they’re usually emotionally immature, and often assume others are too. I find it helpful to just agree with them. “Yes I am boring!”

Ask To Borrow Something

If you won’t spend time with them, then the narcissist may ask to borrow something. And to appease them, you’re likely to say yes. And they know this. But they don’t REALLY want to borrow anything, they want insurance.

The narcissist knows that if they have something of yours, then you’ll want it back. And that means spending time with them.

Narcissists are notorious for playing power games with possessions when romantic relationships end. So they’re no stranger to using possessions for power and control. Borrowing a phone charger is perfect. Because you’re gonna want it back real soon.

Phone You From A Different Number

If the narcissist is really pushy, they might phone you from a different number, should you ignore their calls. They don’t care that you might not want to talk to them.

I once worked with a guy who had NPD, who showed off that his phone could hold two SIM cards. I asked him why he would want a phone with two SIMs. He replied matter-of-factly that it was because if someone ignored his call, he could phone back from a different number to catch them out. I think that says it all!

Be Nice

If all else fails, then the narcissist may take the risky gamble of being nice. I say risky because when they’re nice, they’re relying on you WANTING to spend time with them. So they risk handing power back to you.

But this strategy can work. It makes empathetic people feel bad for declining spending time with them. Maybe they’re not so bad after all? And you can be fooled into thinking you were being too harsh.

Flip Flop Between Tactics

Narcissists usually flip flops between tactics. Searching and probing until they find what works. They don’t consider, or care, that these tactics leave you worried and anxious. They want your time, and they’re prepared to move heaven and earth to get it.

The combination of these tactics can make it feel like you can’t say no. And you may be left feeling trapped and anxious, just at the thought of their presence.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists make it easy to conclude that it’s not worth the hassle of declining their invites. Like an aura of invisible pressure, pushing you to spend your valuable time with them. And that’s exactly what they want.

But… if you spend lots of time with the narcissist, they inevitably take you for granted. And believe their growing delusions that YOU need them.

Familiarity breeds contempt, and this is certainly the case with narcissists. And once they feel settled with you, the devaluation begins.

They become more controlling of you and your time. And the snide comments and put downs grow in frequency and intensity. They’ve got what they wanted, your compliance. And now they smirk in the face of your subservience. There really is no pleasing them!

The best tactic is to keep them at arms length, where you don’t spend too much time with them. Or better still, avoid them completely. But I understand that this is not always possible or desirable.

There’s a saying that if you don’t have any dreams or goals, then you end up fulfilling someone else’s. And that’s abundantly true when it comes to narcissists.

Get yourself a life, or at least the appearance of one! And find some goals and dreams to work towards. Then you become too important and too busy for the narcissist. You have concrete and valid reasons not to spend time with them. And it’s easier to keep your boundaries firm, because you now have focus. And it’s good to have goals to work towards anyway.

Keep busy and unavailable, and keep your boundaries strong. And eventually they’ll latch onto someone else. Someone with an abundance of their much sought after commodity – time.

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