When a narcissist joins a family through marriage, things swiftly change. Where it was once calm and harmonious, chaos ensues.

Family members fight. People stop talking to each other. Different fractions form. And penalties are issued for corroborating with the “enemy”.

Although things abruptly change when the narcissist enters the fold, many people don’t realise the narcissist is pulling the strings.

How do narcissists divide families undetected? This article reveals the sly ways narcissists divide families…

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Make A Good First Impression

Most narcissists are smart enough not to steam in with all guns blazing. At the beginning, they’re pleasant, kind, and considerate to their new family. And act like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth.

The narcissist knows that they might need allies in the future. And besides which, it’s too obvious if they start their shenanigans from day one.

The narcissist usually discovers who’s best to suck up to. And that’s usually the person with the most influence. Because they’ll tell the others how great the narcissist is. And everyone’s likely to listen.

Narcissists Brainwash Their Spouse

Narcissists are quick to brainwash their spouse. But it starts so gently that it’s almost impossible to detect.

They may talk about loyalty within the relationship. How you should defend each other. And how couples should prioritise one another.

This seems like nice sentiments on the surface. But it’s said and re-enforced for a reason.

The narcissist wants to make sure that their partner doesn’t blab about their narcissistic behaviours. And reveal what they’re like behind closed doors. But more importantly, they want their unwavering support. No matter what.

Find Fault

Obviously no one is perfect. So it’s not difficult for narcissists to find fault in members of your family. Perhaps your brother doesn’t call you as much as they should. Or your sister didn’t visit your Mum in hospital.

The narcissist notices small faults. And stores them in their mind, as they might provide useful ammunition in the future.

Subtle Digs

Just like in a narcissist relationship, the narcissist gradually introduces subtle digs. But in this context, they’re aimed at members of your family.

“You know, it would be nice if your brother called you every now and then”. And the seeds are sown.

The narcissist subtly paints a picture of your family as cold and uncaring. And they regularly point out their flaws in a disproving manner. But they start this off gently, like they’re looking out for you. So your guard is kept down.

Bigger Digs

You probably agree with your narcissist spouse for a quiet life. But you might not too concerned about your family. “That’s just what he’s like”.

The narcissist wants you to be offended by their “behaviour”. And they want you to fall out. So they gradually turn up the heat.

The digs about your family increase in intensity and regularity. Until they mention them several times a day. With increasingly hostility about how they don’t care about you, or them.

This may seem like an obvious ploy. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s not as easy to spot. And when the love of your life is “concerned” for you, it’s only right you listen.

Over time this message is drummed in – all day every day. Until it’s difficult not to accept their “truth”. Because like it or not, repetition from someone you care about does influence you.

Narcissists Provoke Your Family

Most narcissists are experts at provoking people in subtle ways. They learn their weaknesses and triggers. And find ways to upset them, without others noticing.

For example, a family member might have issues with their weight. So the narcissist “compliments” them with a underhanded dig – “That dress looks good… for someone your size”.

The narcissist may poke for weeks before gaining a reaction. Then throw their hands in the air, declaring “I can’t say anything right!” As if the backlash came out of thin air.

The narcissist manufacturers arguments, and reactive abuse is their go-to. This is where they provoke someone, then complain that their reaction is abusive.

This creates the impression that your family is out to get them. And they re-enforce this message to you in private. Allowing the narcissist to drive a wedge between you and your family. You supposed to stick up for your partner, remember?

Deliberately Misinterpret Things Said

Even though the narcissist provokes your family, they project this onto them. And pick out certain things they say or do. Making it seem like they’re having a go at you, or them.

Narcissists manufacture arguments by subtly bending things that are said or done. And spin them into hostile words or acts. And the clever thing is, they can keep 95% of the truth in tact, but still wildly misrepresent the truth.

To make matters worse, you only hear their side of the story. Because you don’t discuss your concerns with your family, because of your pact to “stick together”.

Narcissists Put Words In Your Mouth

Narcissists also put words in your mouth. You might passively agree with their complaints about your family. Anything for a quiet life.

The narcissist may then tell others what you “said” about them. And might even do this in front of you. And it’s difficult not to agree when you’re put on the spot. Because now you must choose between your partner and your family. And… remember your agreement?!

Stir Trouble Between Family Members

Narcissists may also employ a “divide and conquer” strategy. And cause trouble between members of your family. Then sit back and watch the drama unfold.

They may befriend family members that are more gullible. And convince them that other family members are being cruel or rude to them.

They may encourage family members to criticise other family members. Then report it back – with interest. Or re-interpret things said or done, putting a negative spin on them.

Once everyone’s riled up, the narcissist slips out of the “argument”, like a thief in the night. And suddenly you have a family feud. But no one knows how it started. And it couldn’t possibly be the sweet innocent narcissist who’s trying to “help” everyone get along.

Isolate

In many ways, you’re already isolated from your family. Because you’re not allowed to confide in them. And the narcissist controls the narrative of events. But they might push things further.

With tension in the air, the narcissist might physically distance you from your family. They may refuse to spend time with them. And even convince you to move away from them. Which is an easier sell if there’s conflict you want to get away from.

Once you’re away from your family, the narcissist has almost total control. They almost completely control the narrative to you. And they know you hate conflict, so you’re probably hesitant to contact your own family.

However the narcissist may keep some allies in your family. As they can prove useful for keeping the feuds going.

Narcissist Family Feuds

Most narcissists can keep a feud running, even at a distance. And they have several ways of doing this.

They may have some friends within your family that they can provoke to fight others. They may post things on social media that cause trouble. Or convince you to do things they know will subtly upset your family.

Narcissists create a complicated war zone, which muddies the waters. And makes it almost impossible to figure out what’s going on. And who’s pulling the strings.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists want total power over their spouse. And this is difficult to achieve with “meddling” family in the way.

So narcissists eliminate the competition by dismantling family support networks. Then you rely solely on them.

Most people are unaware of how manipulative narcissists are. And how skilled they are at provoking others to fight. So they often go undetected, hiding in plane sight.

The narcissist may also gain control over some members of your family. Which is a welcome bonus for them. Because they love pulling other peoples strings.

But their main aim is to control their primary partner. And take as much as they can, for as long as they can. That’s what they REALLY want. To the narcissist, your family is just collateral damage.

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