Narcissists know that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And they want ALL the grease.
In relationships, narcissists expect most of the time, resources, and attention to go to them. Regardless of who needs them the most. However, your problems scupper this.
When you have a problem, you need time and attention. Which takes it away from them. And they don’t like this. So narcissists find creative ways to dismiss your problems. Then the focus can return back to its rightful place – them.
Some of these dismissals can be subtle. So you don’t always notice them. But you sense it. And you feel like you have no one to turn to. Even though you’re in a relationship.
Of course the narcissist denies that they dismiss your problems, if you confront them. And instead, they’re likely to spin it on to you. And accuse you of being an attention seeker. Or gaslight you into thinking it’s all a figment of your imagination.
Once you learn how narcissists dismiss your problems, you can see more clearly. And realise it’s them, and not you. Here’s how narcissists dismiss your problems…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Play Down Your Problems
A classic narcissist trick is to play down your problems. And make them seem trivial. Then you wonder whether you’re losing your mind. Or making a mountain out of a molehill.
Sadly to narcissists, your problems ARE trivial. Because they don’t involve them. And narcissists are laser focussed on themselves, at the exclusion of everyone else.
So the narcissist may reword your issues to sound trivial. Or compare them with people with bigger problems. Such as starving children in Africa. Or people living in war torn countries.
By comparison, your problems may be smaller than the hardest hit in the world. But that doesn’t mean they’re not problems. And it doesn’t mean a “loved one” shouldn’t help, or at least lend a caring ear.
Minimising your problems gets you questioning yourself. And wondering whether you’re blowing things out of proportion. So the next time you have an issue, you think twice before saying anything. And this is exactly what the narcissist wants.
Ridicule Your Problems
If you still bother them with your problems, then the narcissist may turn to ridicule. And make your problems seem laughable. And they may even laugh in your face, whilst you’re pouring your heart out.
Discussing your problems puts you in a vulnerable place. And when you’re being ridiculed, it feels incredibly humiliating. Which adds to the pain you’re already experiencing. Especially from someone who supposedly loves you.
So you learn to keep your problems to yourself. Because discussing them makes you feel worse. And the narcissist is now in the box seat. Because they can turn a blind eye whenever they see you’re in trouble. And blame you for not telling them, if you ever complain.
Get Angry
Narcissists sometimes get angry when someone comes to them with a problem. And this has happened to me in quite a cruel way.
Both my parents died just a few years apart. Both at the relatively young age of 56. And a year or so later, I had a dip, and was feeling down. So I talked to my then partner about it.
Instead of listening and telling me everything’s OK, she screamed in my face. Angrily shouting that it upsets her too.
As you can imagine I was stunned. And she never came back to apologise. Or ask me if I was OK. Her angry rage was the end of it.
Narcissists sometimes explode because they assume we think like them. And use problems to manipulate people.
So in the narcissists world, your problems may seem like an attempt to manipulate them. By playing the victim to get things from them. Which is why they may explode with rage.
Whilst this is an explanation for their reaction, it doesn’t excuse it. And it doesn’t make it OK. Because if you anticipate an angry response when you bring up a problem, you’re likely not to bother in the future. And this is not how a loved one should treat you.
Trump Your Problems With Theirs
Another common trick is for narcissists to trump your problems with theirs. For example, you may tell them about your knee pain. Then they counter it with their back issues – which are far worse than yours.
If you have a long term problem or health issue, the narcissist might create their own long lasting problem. Just to compete with you, and stop you stealing all the attention.
They may completely fabricate a problem. Or exaggerate an existing one.
I’ve known a narcissist create “work problems” when his wife was diagnosed with cancer. Just to compete for attention. He actually said that his work issues were just as serious, because money is important to keep the family going!
Solve Your Problems
Narcissists can’t bear wasting their valuable time listening to your problems. So rather than do this, they may try to “fix” them – quickly. Then you shut up, and they can go on with their day.
The narcissist may throw out various “solutions”, when you just want them to listen. Not because they want to help. But to stop you complaining. And intuitively you feel fobbed off.
These solutions aren’t usually helpful. Because the narcissist isn’t interested in helping you. Only shutting you up. So they throw you any old bone, in the hope it keeps you quiet.
Instead of listening, the narcissist may keep throwing useless suggestions your way. Which may cause them frustration, when you point out the fallacy of their solutions.
This frustration isn’t really because you’re not accepting their help. Although they’re likely to say it is. But because they can’t draw a line through your problems and forget about them. As you won’t accept their half-assed “solutions”, and leave them alone.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists lack emotional empathy. So they don’t feel your pain. And when you combine this with their constant need for attention, it’s no wonder they dismiss your problems.
Narcissist are competitive with almost everything. Even with who’s got the biggest problem. And they’re especially competitive when it comes to attention.
Sadly narcissists can be incredibly ruthless. And may dismiss a loved one in genuine need, in favour of their own fabricated problems. And they may convince themselves that their needs are greater.
Someone who genuinely cares for you feels upset when you’re upset. And will share your pain. This motivates them to help, and sooth you. As it also helps and soothes them.
But narcissists don’t have this emotional connection. Because they’re too focussed on themselves. So they tolerate your problems at best. And hope they quickly go away. Not because they want the best for you. But because they want your attention back on them.
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