Many people in relationships with narcissists are fooled into thinking they’re being cared for. Often it’s only after the relationship ends that they realise how little the narcissist actually cared.
Narcissists have many ways of making it seem like they care. Some are intentional, and some are not. Plus we often see what we want to see. And who wants to see a partner that doesn’t care?
Here’s some of the reasons why narcissists fool so many of us into thinking they care…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Love Bombing
At the beginning of relationships, most narcissists love bomb. This is where they act like your ideal partner. And shower you with good times, attention, and praise.
Once they’ve reeled in their target, they roll out their narcissistic behaviours. But because the narcissist acted so nice at the beginning, it’s easy to assume that something must be wrong. Such as they’re feeling stressed, or you’ve done something to provoke them.
In Denial
Many people in long term relationships with narcissists live in denial. Deep down they may know the narcissist lacks empathy, and doesn’t really care. But it’s hard to admit. Especially if you’ve invested so many years in them. And because they were so nice in the beginning, you cling on to your dreams that “this is meant to be”.
Partners of narcissists often live in denial. Convincing themselves their narcissist partner cares. And they look for signs to confirm they care, no matter how small. “He made me a cup of tea. So he MUST care.” Even though they forgot how many sugars you take!
Judge By Our Own Standards
It’s easy to judge people based on your own standards. We all do it. If you have a lot of empathy, it’s natural to assume others do too. Even when they never show it.
An empathetic person has difficulty understanding that some people don’t feel things for others. To them it defies logic, because it’s so automatic and intuitive. How can you NOT care?
We might conclude the narcissist cares “deep down”. Or they “don’t know how to show they care”. But this is making excuses for them, and assuming they have similar feelings to our own.
They Care About What You Give Them
A narcissist may worry if you leave them, or if you threaten to leave. And they might act to keep you. It could be a heartfelt apology, or a change in their behaviours – albeit temporarily. And this can be mistaken for them caring about you.
“They were really worried I was going to leave. They MUST care deep down”. But they really care about what you give them. Not about you or your feelings.
They don’t care that they’ve hurt you to the point where you want to leave. And that your life has been miserable. They care about things THEY lose if you leave. Like your attention, money, housework, favours etc.
The narcissist may work hard to keep you, to not lose all these wonderful benefits. And this is easy to interpret this as them caring.
Narcissists See You As Extensions Of Themselves
Sometimes a narcissist will stick up for you if someone berates you in some way. This shows they care, right? Not necessarily.
Narcissists see significant others as extensions of themselves. And if someone insults you, they may perceive it as an insult to them. “How dare you insult MY wife”, might seem nice. But it could be akin to “How dare you insult MY car.”
Narcissists Are Good At Faking Care
Although narcissists are disconnected from many emotions, they’ve had a life time of faking them. And some are fantastic at faking they care.
They learn what to say to make you purr. How to charm you to get in your good books. And how to get you caring for them. Especially in the early stages of a relationship. They’re usually good in familiar circumstances where they’ve learnt what to say from past experiences. But in unfamiliar circumstances, they can make glaring errors.
They might for example laugh when you tell them your pet cat died. Neuro-typicals instinctively know what to do, even if they’ve never met that situation before. But narcissists have little or no emotional empathy to draw from. They can’t put themselves in your shoes. So they can get things horribly wrong.
Many of us chalk these instances down to them having an off day. Because they usually fake that they care so well. They’re not really this cold and uncaring, right?
They Can Up Their Game
Narcissists put more effort into faking they care, depending on what’s in it for them. If it’s a new, exciting, and younger love interest, then expect them to go all guns blazing with care. Lavishing gifts, praise, and whatever they want.
The narcissist can be ultra caring, considerate, and an absolute joy to be around – if there’s something in it for them.
But if you’ve been in a relationship with them for a while, they usually don’t bother to pretend they care so much. That’s when you start seeing glimpses of their true cold and uncaring self.
But because of their past displays of fake caring, it’s easy to think they’re acting out of character when they’re being uncaring. And if you challenge them, they make up excuses, usually leaving enough doubt in your mind.
You’re Starved Of Care
Narcissists are not the most caring of people. And after you’ve known them a while, they often neglect you in even the most basic of ways.
They often don’t listen when you have a problem. They don’t notice when you’re down. And rarely anticipate your needs. But this can do a strange thing.
Because you’re so starved of care, the smallest of things they do can seem like amazing thoughtful gestures. A cup of tea can seem like a banquet when you’re starved of care.
This can lead you to falsely believe that they care for you. All because they made you a sandwich 3 months ago!
They Care About Other Things
Many narcissists publicly show they care about certain issues. It could be charities, the homeless, social issues etc. They might even do voluntary work, or fund raising. So they must care about something, right?
Notice I used the word “publicly”. Many narcissists like to be SEEN as caring, generous, and capable. And love being praised and put on a pedestal. What better way to achieve this than to help some noble causes?
Some narcissists do good work to help others. And it can be genuinely useful. But their motivation isn’t that they care for their cause. They care about the praise and kudos it gives them. Which is why many bring up their “selfless” work at every opportunity!
Familiarity
If you’ve spent a long time with the narcissist, it’s natural to feel safe and cared for around them. Familiarity helps put us at ease.
So you may feel comfortable and safe around them, because they’re so familiar. And this can be misinterpreted for someone actively caring for us.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists often fake being caring and empathetic at the beginning of relationships. Over time they grow bored, and don’t bother to fake as much. They feel there’s less need once they’ve secured you.
So you start seeing their uncaring behaviours, more and more. But because you’ve seen their “caring side” in the early days, you’re left confused. What’s happened to them? Why have they changed? Is it an off day?
Most people reason they’re still deep down the same caring person they met. But something’s gone wrong. Maybe they’re stressed or depressed. Or maybe I’ve done something to upset them?
The narcissist might blame you if you challenge them. And whilst you’re busy self reflecting on what you’ve done wrong, attention is taken away from their uncaring ways.
But the fact is they NEVER cared. It was an act. Narcissists only care about what you provide for them. So they often act like they care if it gets them what they want. We often assume they’re normal functioning neuro-typicals. So we wrongly attribute them with empathy and an ability to emotionally care for others.
But if they’re a true narcissist with narcissistic personality disorder, it’s highly likely they don’t care. They may love your company, and want to be around you. And don’ t want to lose you. But it’s only because they stand to lose all the nice things you do for them. Narcissists care too much about themselves and their own needs, to ever truly care about yours.
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I’m not sure that all neuro-typicals would know just what to do if you told them your pet just died. Or perhaps that’s a sign that I’m not actually a neuro-typical. I’d definitely feel sympathy if someone told me that their cat died, and remembering all the family pets who’ve long since passed would bring back my own pain as if it had just happened yesterday. Even when a colleague of mine, M____, told us all that about her pet bird’s demise, even though I’m not particularly fond of birds.
But…I’m very awkward when it comes to comforting people. Hugging just doesn’t come naturally to me. The best I can do is say something like, “I’m sorry for your loss”, while wishing I could have done better. Because M____ had been very caring and understanding when my darling Sam passed away from cancer. Not everyone felt for her because her pet was a bird and I felt guilty because I’d received a bunch of flowers with a card, hugs and condolences galore, especially from other dog-lovers.
When I care the most, it’s more difficult for me to show I care which makes me seem the most cold and distant because…(damn it!) I don’t know what to say. And if I love your company and want to be around you, don’t hold your breath waiting for me to tell you. I’ll assume that you should already know that because I’m still around.