Ending ANY relationship is tough enough. But ending a relationship with a narcissist is especially difficult. Regardless of who finishes with who.

That’s because during the relationship, narcissists implant suggestions and manipulate their partners in to not leaving them. Narcissists know that you might leave if they don’t tie you in. So they create as many physical and psychological ties as they can. They might move you away from your family. Or convince you that you’re soul mates. But once the relationship is over, these tactics come back to bite you.

Rather than improve their behaviour, narcissists devise tactics to stop you from leaving. And to encourage you to put up with their behaviours. And many of these tactics make a break up even harder.

A narcissist will usually make out that you’re the love of their life. And that you have a special, almost divine connection with each other. If they sense you’re a rescuer, they might tell you how much they need you to keep them going. And once you believe these things, it becomes even more difficult to leave them.

A relationship with a narcissist is not normal. And neither is the fallout once it’s over. It can be hard to understand why you think about them so much. And why you struggle to let go, despite years of bad treatment.

Whilst we’re all different, there’s many similarities to how most ex partners of narcissists feel. I thought I’d share some with you. You may be surprised to know you’re not alone with your feelings…

Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…

Stunned

When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I was stunned. My brain could not compute. I spent two hours shaking, and trying to make sense of things.

She had spent 12 years telling me how great I was. And although her actions didn’t always match her words, I believed her. I judged her by my own standards. I would never lie to someone and tell them how great they were just to hook them in. So I didn’t believe the “love of my life” would either.

In the back of my mind I always wondered whether she was playing me. But I ignored my gut, and put it down to me being paranoid. The moment I caught her out, I went into shock. I was literally shaking like a leaf. Could it be that my gut feelings were right all this time?

I stared into the distance, horrified. It WAS all true.

It almost killed me to admit I was played. But I knew I had to in order to move on and heal. And to learn for next time. Plus if I didn’t admit she was playing me, then I might be tempted to take her back. Even though part of me wanted her back, I knew it would never work. And luckily I made my mind up about this straight away.

A Different Person

Once I caught her cheating, she became a different person. She had always been selfish, but this was a whole new thing.

She claimed she had ended things with her affair, but was seen out with him the day before she tried to get back with me. She blatantly tried playing me and her affair off against each other. Telling me how much better he was than me. Then next breath saying we should get back together.

This wasn’t the person she portrayed herself to be for the last 12 years. She always claimed she wasn’t interested in other guys, and hadn’t been with many before me.

Once I’d caught her out, she showed the full force of her narcissistic side. I’d already caught her, so she had nothing to hide any more. All the cards were on the table.

This was of course highly confusing at first. What’s made her change? Why is she suddenly behaving this way? Here’s why…

She was a totally different person because she was living a lie all these years. I was now seeing her true self. During our marriage she pretended to be someone who I’d want to stay with. Mirroring what she felt I wanted in a partner.

And now she didn’t need to keep up the pretence any more. So it wasn’t that she had changed. She was finally revealing her true self.

Still Think About Them

Narcissists have a way of digging their roots right into your brain, so they’re difficult to forget. I put this largely down to them being so needy. And creating a situation where your role is to look after them.

You looking after them causes you to think about them and their needs pretty much all the time. And to neglect your own. And years of this becomes an ingrained habit. And it still remains for a while after the relationship ends.

I remember going food shopping soon after my relationship ended. And looking at the things she and her daughter liked. I had to keep reminding myself that I no longer needed to do this. But through 12 years of habit, I still thought about her needs when I was shopping.

Gradually the more times I shopped, the less I thought about her, and the more I thought about what I wanted. And quickly I felt liberated because I could buy whatever I damn well pleased. She didn’t like fish much, so I started to buy fish. Lots of fish. And it felt great!

Please CLICK HERE For Other Ways Narcissists Stay On Your Mind

Confused

I didn’t really know much about narcissism at the time. So I was confused. Why did she suddenly change like this. Was it really my fault? (she of course blamed her affair on me!)

Narcissists like to make you feel worthless. And they like to blame everything on you. Even if it was blatantly them. And because you’re a good soul, you tend to believe them. At least to some degree.

She tried to make out that I was not loving enough towards her, and that was why she had her affair. And although I didn’t fully believe her, there was enough doubt in my mind. What if I HAD driven her to this? How awful if it’s true.

It took me a few weeks of revisiting the past. And realising that I had been a good husband. And she was a lousy wife. I thought back to times like when she shouted at me when I was seeking some comfort after losing both my parents. Where she would go out with her friends, even though we’d made plans. I realised that it was not me who was the bad partner, it was her. And she’d largely hidden this in plain view by calling me out on the things she was actually doing. But despite this, I still made one last excuse for her.

She was 39 years old, having an affair with a 20 year old. I thought she must be going through a mid life crisis. That’s the best I could come up with. But it didn’t really explain her changing behaviours. It was not until I read up on narcissism that I realised what had REALLY been going on.

The Penny Dropping

I started reading up on narcissism because I believed my Father probably suffered from it. During my reading, the penny dropped. I saw many of her text book narcissistic behaviours. Especially towards the end. And how she’d let some slip over the years. And how I rationalised them at the time.

Indeed she HAD been living a lie all these years. She really WAS playing me, and pretending to be someone she wasn’t. And what I had suspected all these years was actually quite text book narcissistic behaviour.

This proved a double edged sword. I felt relief that everything wasn’t my fault. And that it wasn’t me that created all the problems in our marriage. But I also felt bad for allowing this to happen for so long. 12 years?! What kind of mug am I?

Blamed Myself

Whilst I felt I was off the hook as far as our marriage problems, I blamed myself for getting played so easily. I can’t believe what a fool I’ve been.

This is where reading up on narcissism helped me. I saw many people on places such as Quora, going through exactly the same thing. They also felt stupid for being played for so long. And blamed themselves. But then one piece of advice helped me…

The advice said that I was not to blame. I was looking for a mutually loving relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with this. The fact that the person I met was not looking for this is not my fault. I wanted someone who I can love, and who would love me back. I provided my side of the bargain. She didn’t.

She lived a lie, pretending she wanted the same things as me. And kept this rolling for years. How can I be blamed for something so devious?

Infiltrated

I realised that I had been infiltrated by a narcissist. In fact during my reading, I realised that I had been a magnet for narcissists all my life.

This was difficult to take at first. Many of my friends were probably undiagnosed narcissists. I was raised by one. Then I married one.

Soon after my marriage ended, I was in another relationship with someone who displayed narcissistic traits. And the relationship soon ended.

I realised that I must end this pattern. I didn’t want to go back to square one with another narcissist. So I knew I needed to learn as much as I could about narcissism. The more I learnt, I figured, the safer I’d be.

Reading And Learning

I spent over a year reading as much as I could about narcissism. And quickly it all started to make sense.

I was raised by a narcissist parent, and so narcissistic behaviours are more normal to me. Or perhaps less abnormal is a better description. So I was attracting them because I didn’t see just how dysfunctional they were.

My reading was full of “aha moments”. Some were extremely enlightening. Some were upsetting. But I soldiered on. I knew I had to learn as much as I could if I wanted to turn my life around. I no longer wanted narcissists controlling my life, putting me down, and manipulating me.

In the first few years after my marriage, several narcissists came into my life. But luckily I spotted the signs, and ended things before they got out of hand. Whilst I was still attracting narcissists, at least I could now spot them, and knew what they were up to. And I didn’t feel so bad when I ended things.

Final Thoughts

Most people go through similar emotions to what I’ve described. They may struggle to get the narcissist out their head. They may blame themselves for the narcissists behaviour. And feel bad for being played.

Luckily time is a great healer. Learn to focus on yourself and things you want or need. Do things to improve yourself or your life. Revisit old hobbies, and try out new things. It may take some time, but gradually you will heal. Until eventually they become a distant memory.

If you’re thinking of ending a relationship with a narcissist, or you already have, I urge you to learn as much as you can about narcissism. It will benefit you enormously. You’ll quickly learn to spot the signs of a narcissist. Know their basic patterns of behaviours. And learn tactics to keep them relatively under control.

Once you suss how narcissists operate, they’re surprisingly predictable. You can figure out why they do the strange things they do. Why you feel a certain way round them. And what they want from you.

Armed with this knowledge you have a significant advantage. You know about the dark thoughts that lurk in their minds. And the devious plans they’re up to. But because they lack empathy, they usually know very little about you. Aside from how to wind you up of course!

Narcissists make the mistake of over estimating their own intelligence, and underestimating yours. With all the knowledge, the ball’s in your court. You can learn to avoid new narcissists in your life. And learn how to handle ones you must deal with. Ultimately, they need you more than you need them. It’s you that holds the cards.

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