I’ve dealt with many narcissists over the years. And there’s several things I’ve noticed many say.
Some of these phrases might not be word for word the same. But they’re similar. And have a similar meaning and intention behind them.
Here’s the common phrases I’ve heard from narcissists, plus what they mean. See if you recognise any..
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You’re Not Listening To Me
In my experience, narcissists say ”You’re not listening to me”, when you’re not agreeing with them. You could be listening to EVERYTHING. And respond appropriately. But they accuse you of “not listening”, because you disagree.
The implication is that from their perspective, they’re right. And that’s FACT. So if you disagree, you mustn’t be listening.
Narcissists hate being disagreed with. So I suspect there’s an element of denial you’re disagreeing with them. They don’t want to admit to themselves or to you that you dare disagree!
Why Can’t You Be More Like…
Narcissists love to triangulate, and get people competing for their affections. because it allows them to take more, and give less.
So the narcissist may compare you with an ex, to convince you to up your game. Or a “friend” they’re secretly flirting with.
You’re Crazy
Narcissists often accuse others of being “crazy” when they’re on to them. You might have discovered them lying, cheating, or being dishonest in some way.
Narcissists rarely hold their hand up and admit fault. They turn the blame onto you. And one simple way is to call you crazy. This is an attempt to undermine your take on reality. And is a form of gaslighting.
It’s a psychological ploy to get you to question yourself. “If you think I did that, then you MUST be crazy. Retract your statement, and I’ll re-grade you back to sane.”
Calling you crazy is an easy go-to phrase. It can be used in almost any situation. And puts you on the back foot for a while. It gives them time to think of another put down or criticism, whilst you’re busying yourself on defence.
My Exes Are All Crazy
Narcissists like to convince their partners that ALL their exes are crazy. And you probably know why!
The narcissist was the crazy one in their relationships. But they don’t want you to know this. Because then you’d have more clarity about how they’re treating you.
So they project their craziness onto their exes to discredit them. Because if they ever reveal how the narcissist treated them, you won’t believe them. Because the narcissist got to you first.
If You Loved Me You’d…
Narcissists hope to gain compliance by stating that you’d do something, if you loved them. For example, they may say, “You’d cancel your night out with your friends, if you loved me.”
By saying this, the narcissist hopes to push you into a no win situation. Because if you don’t do as you’re told, they can throw a hissy fit, claiming you don’t love them. And abuse you over this. If you do as you’re told, then they have a go-to tactic for compliance, that they can use for practically anything.
You’re Overreacting
Narcissists often claim people are “overreacting” when they complain about their bad behaviours. Which effectively shifts the blame from them, to you.
Narcissists want you you to think there’s a problem with your reaction. Rather than the poor treatment they dish out. Then you’ll take some more, without complaint.
I Had A Bad Childhood
Some narcissists let it be known they had a bad childhood. This may or may not be true. But not many of us had perfect childhoods.
Narcissists often use this as an excuse for their behaviours. Even when they’ve hit middle age.
Narcissists don’t accept responsibility for their behaviours. Complaining about their childhood allows them to blame their parents for things they do now.
The clue that this is an excuse is that they’re not committed to change these behaviours. They may say they are. But put no work or effort into it. Because if they did, you’d see steady improvements.
Only You Can Save Me
Some narcissists want their partners to believe that only they can save them. Because narcissists love saviours!
Narcissists like people to feel responsible for them. Because it allows them to take, and not give.
Narcissists expect their saviours to cater to their every need. Plus give them a pass for their abusive behaviours. And your reward? You become their perpetual saviour, because it’s never ending.
It’s Different
Narcissists may state “it’s different” when they have one rule for you, and a different rule for themselves. So yes, it IS different!
My now ex wife, said it was fine for her to have male friends. But I wasn’t allowed to have female friends. Apparently “it’s different”.
I Was Only Joking
Narcissists often use subtle put downs. Which become gradually less subtle over time. They test your boundaries and see how far they can push you.
If they go too far and you call them out, they often claim they were joking. They won’t apologise for hurting your feelings. Or take back what they said. Instead they challenge your perspective on what was said. “You took a joke too seriously.” which implies it’s your fault.
And if you press them, they usually say…
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You’re Too Sensitive
Narcissists don’t accept responsibility for their actions. So it doesn’t occur that THEY were pushing things too far. And even if it did, they would still blame you.
It’s YOUR fault, not theirs. YOU were being too sensitive. This is a simple way of turning the tables.
You’ve Changed
Many of us become more assertive and less tolerant of nonsense as we age. Narcissists hate this!
We all change throughout our lives. And that’s a good thing right? Who’d want to be the same at 50 as at 20?
Narcissists would rather you stayed the same meek and mild person, who wasn’t sure of themselves. So they accuse you of having changed. Like it’s a bad thing. Narcissists desperately cling to the hope they can keep you down.
“You’ve changed” is usually said in a way that makes change out to be bad. And it is to the narcissist, if you’ve changed to become more assertive.
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
You’re Jealous
There’s two situations that springs to mind when a narcissist accuses others of being jealous. It’s either when THEY are jealous. Or when they want you to be jealous.
Narcissists often project their faults onto others. Their pride doesn’t want to admit they’re jealous of anybody else. They’re the top dog! To deflect attention from their jealousy, they often accuse others of being jealous.
Also narcissists WANT others to be jealous of them. Especially their partners. Someone being jealous is a compliment. It means they matter.
Narcissists do things to provoke jealousy, such as flirting right in front of you. Or showing off wealth or achievements. They love nothing more than two people publicly fighting over them. Then they can bask in the glory of being “sought after”.
You Made Me Do This
Narcissists pass the blame on almost everything. And this includes their abusive behaviours.
Narcissists often try to make their partners feel responsible for the abuse they dish out. because if they succeed, it’s likely they stick around to take some more.
I’m Sorry You Feel that Way
Probably the nearest you’ll get to an apology. They said the word “sorry”! But it’s not really an apology.
It’s sorry for how you feel. Implying it’s your fault you feel that way, not theirs. They’re not actually apologising for their behaviour. They’re sorry you’re annoyed with them over their cruel remarks or behaviour. But they’re not sorry fore saying or doing it.
You Won’t Find Anyone Better Than Me
Narcissists like their partners to believe they won’t find anyone as good as them. Because they hope this convinces you to stick around to take more of their nonsense. But trust me, you will find someone better. And even if you don’t bother looking, you’re better alone anyway.
Final Thoughts
These are a few of the many phrases narcissists like to use. Their stock phrases are usually designed to deflect blame away from themselves. Usually on to you.
Many can be used in a variety of situations. They put you on the back foot. And gives them thinking time to go in for the kill.
Narcissists don’t play fair. They like gaining an unfair advantage.
They want things heavily weighted in their favour.
And many of their common phrases are designed to achieve this.
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A few more phrases my narcissistic partner relies on …
1) You make a comment or have an idea about something that is noteworthy, instead of commenting on what you’ve said they say ” yes I was just about to say that / yes I was just thinking that”. Claiming any good idea or lightbulb moment for themselves.
2) When they do something stupid, break something or are so slap dash ( because they refuse to read the instructions as they inevitably know best), and subsequently ruin something and are noticed doing it ( as opposed to just discovering the broken item. And at times like that they will say “it has been broken by you and you’ve forgotten you did it, or someone else did it or it came like that. ) , when being called out about it they say.. ” well I didn’t know did I? You didn’t tell me, nobody told me did they? So it displaces any thought that may creep behind their facade that they are responsible, by off loading it on others who apparently have a duty to the narcissist to inform them ahead of any possible mistakes that may occur. Even though a narcissist doesn’t listen if they are told .
3) “You keep repeating yourself”. This retort is used when trying to rationalise a conversation that has become heated or ends up going round in circles. Because he throws accusations at me and I fall into the trap of defending myself. I have given up being logical I just ignore him now. My answer to him is when he trots out the above line is ” you’re quite right, it is obvious to me that you cannot grasp what I am saying it is too difficult for you to understand. I get that”. I then carry on doing something that is absolutely nothing to do with him so I am occupied with something other than him. Narcissists don’t like being ignored.
4) This is my ……. garden, roses, garden shed, paperwork, owning shared things. For instance a jointly owned house in conversation becomes ” my house” even when talking to neighbours with the other joint owner present.
“Come and have a look at the garden I designed (when he did not design it at all it was me) . It sounds trite but when it slips off his tongue like honey and the neighbours think what a wonderful man he is I feel mean not telling them at the time it wasn’t him who did the work or designs. So I used to tell him when we were alone. He would then deny he said it. So now I interrupt the conversation to clarify the truth. Much to the awkwardness of the situation but he doesn’t even show a glimmer of embarrassment. He has so much brass neck it’s unbelievable.
I could go on but it’s all the same old same old.
They the narcissist will bleed dry their partner and spit out the husk before they move on… if you let them. One thing is for sure they will not change.
My ex used to say “My bedroom”, when we had a shared room! Regarding number 1. You could use that to your advantage Linda. If you want them to do something, just make them think it’s their idea!
“I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to you”
Brilliant! Manipulative but brilliant!
When my ex and I moved into an apartment and there were bed bugs there. When we found out he kept saying “they are stealing MY blood”
My ex (‘narc’) called me after I had had a new motorbike delivered. All she said (in a solemn and stern voice) was “what is THAT doing on MY driveway?”. When I replied, “sorry, what are you talking about?”, she just came back (only voice raised, for emphasis) again with “what is THAT on MY driveway?”. I told her it was my new bike, but rather than say how smart it looked or be constructive about it, she just ranted about it ‘being there’, and the cost, etc., even though I could afford it and was paying for it, myself. It was ‘our’ house and driveway anyway, not ‘HERS’.
I like it when they use phrase “It’s common sense” as an argument to avoid having to explain their logic process.
It’s good because it means that I can respond with “It is? Could you google that for me?”. Narcissists don’t seem to appreciate that in order for common sense to exist everyone in existence has to have had not only the same experiences as everybody else but to have also interpreted those experiences in exactly the same way as everyone else.
Yes they sometimes use some phrases as a full stop. Like, I’ve said it, and now end of conversation. Phrases such as “at the end of the day” do this.
Google and a voice recorder I found to act like a LION tamers whip and chair. Learned this when I mentioned chicken lips. “ok, chicken lips” It wasn’t a big deal, we both laughed about it for a day or two. Giggling in the car I asked google” Do chickens have lips?” It replied YES, chickens have lips… …..
My ex narc would always say “I’m sorry you felt that way” everytime I would speak on my feelings. Hurt me everytime too…
But not sorry for causing it Jay!
I agree that narcissist use these phrases because they are crazy, but I believe you are wrong if you think these phrases are only adopted by narcissist. Narcissism is only one brand of crazy. There are different brands of crazy and every and each person possesses one brand or another, to one extent or another. These phrases are used by people with different brands of craziness, to one extent or another. On the other hand, even though they are crazy to one extent or another, there are those who operate from the Human Spirit, that is, they are trying to be less crazy driven by anxiety and more sane driven by an inner force or life force that is more loving and thus more functional. I believe we all need to be more loving because Love (with a capital L) is what the world needs now.
you made me do it
you made me do it, it is all your fault
If you want to enrage a narc all you have to say is “I’m sorry you feel that way ” INSTANT RAGE
Right back at ya!
“…it’s nothing like that…”
” We’re just really good friends! We don’t even like each other ‘like that’! “
“We haven’t even seen each other naked.”
How about “It’s not my intention to hurt you.”
Knowing good and well that it dang sure is their intention…sadistic turds.
The one I heard and hear others say they’ve heard is ” We were meant to be together, that’s why no other relationship has worked out before you.” and “What we have is different, special no one has what we have.” But worse than him saying it, I fell for it…
The old “we have a special bond” line. At least you won’t fall for it again!
I hate when they say “I told you, but you don’t remember,” when you know that they never told you something.
Yes I’ve heard this one quite a few times Riva!
This phrase is the worst “Whatever”
Narcissism is a behavioral mental health issue not a genetic one . And because of this it’s important to remember that in earlier childhood , they were overcompensated for some reason or another by either a narcissistic guardian or actually chances are , someone not suffering with the disorder . Some examples I have been with the ones in my life are one parent being absent , they were adopted , they were a only child in a wealthy family , or spent most of their time with a narcissistic guardian. Either way , they didn’t do this to themselves. And some change. One common denominator I noticed is all I have known were raised in a good Chrisrian home and very bknowledgeable on the subject but the second they are able to shift the way they learned to one that suits their now adult , more confident personality they do and really that’s the worst thing for them . Understanding we are not completely responsible for all the good created in our lives and loved ones and we have a creator to be grateful for and that “VILLAGE” it takes for all of us to enjoy that beautiful life we were intended to have that’s QUALITY OF LIFE NOT QUANTITY. WE all have issues all of us and no one deserves less love or attention because they may need a little more attention or love or effort . Just because their response to your love may seem like it’s cared for or considered doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to them or isn’t making an impact on them . Just my opinion.
I agree. We shouldn’t hate on them or go out our way to harm them.
Actually it has been stated that personalities are also inherited genetic traits and personality disorders can be passed from parent to child biologically.
Hi, My concern here is that these are phrases almost everyone uses,and more than not,are applicable to the situation they address it to
To say these phrases are relative to a common Narc, phrase may mislead someone into believing that everyone can easily be catagorized as a Narc.
for me the biggest flag of a narcissist is the level of compassion,sympathy,most of all the motives behind it.
Using these phrases is of course not a diagnosis. But using them a lot is a red flag! Especially in the contexts described.
Right. There is ALWAYS a motive…whether they use their motive right at that minute or tuck it away for later.
Calm yourself!
I would like to add: I hate to burst your bubble, -before saying something mean-spirited, hurtful, inappropriate or gratuitously, psychologically violent.
That’s a good one Wolf! It can be extended to many other situations. “I hate to interrupt you…” before then interrupting you! “I hate to say I told you so, but…”
Ha, so spot on. Another favorite is “a person like you wouldn’t understand.” But don’t expect them to explain what that means.
I suppose if you asked them, they’d say, “You wouldn’t understand!”
Hi yes im very sure that my now to be my ex is one of those narcissistic not that hes been diagnosed but his behaviour and actions and not tomention his words which can be very hurtful and damaging.
I think there’s a lot of undiagnosed narcissists about Donna – http://narcissisms.com/how-narcissists-hide-amongst-us/
“Chill out”
“Everyone agrees with me” when they tell people all the negatives you are
“Because I’m ”
“But you….”
“This is for your own good”
“You need to do more”
My narc often says Im so sick and tired of everything. It is so unfair, why nobody cant understand me. I dont understand the system. I hate being here on earth. and many more
You hit them all. i hear him saying them everyday.
“You love to start a fight!”, OH YEAH, I know YOU LORI!
i have been in a relationship with a NPD. i had a disagreement recently (we have a child together so still interacting) & of course was told i’m crazy! i said i’m done with this & he wouldn’t stop! over & over & over he was right i’m crazy & that’s that! i stopped talking he wouldn’t!! wow! i can’t believe i dealt with him for so many years! being on drugs did partly numb me. i’m in recovery 27 months & 14 days! he finally gets mad, i have my family back i don’t need him. he can’t treat me like a whore anymore!
That’s good to hear. Stay strong Vicky!
I woulb never lie cheat or steal and I would never sue you. Then they do all of the above.
I was always told “you’re such a baby (I was 47 to 50 in this relationship) ” you’re too sensitive, you’re crazy, you’re a drunk, you want to get a drink now (not even remotely drinking ) go ahead get a drink. Then he’d go get alcohol “”for me”” after I’d decline… you’re a useless, worthless, piece of shit. …also, don’t tell me how hard part of your work day was because you’re an animal nurse and that’s just too painful for me. Oh, and…I’m lining up homeless folks in the neighborhood and sleeping with them one by one while he is at work and I’m not really going to my very real job….when I caught him masturbatimg over me in my sleep to porn , he said Its just what MEN DO. But, constantly told me I was fucking up a storm on my phone, I was not. Told me to shove my phone up my crotch… i had to be on the phone with him my whole way to work and back and there is a KNOWN area he knew about that might drop our calls for a second….he said You got a more important call from someone else. He doesn’t realize that I’d never risk him going crazed on me and lie ever or hang up on him… he just kept accusing and demeaning me to the point I was shell shocked and confused and really kept thinking reasoning with him.my absolute truth would work…it did not ever work. I was svelte initially…gained some stress weight by year 3 , he was calling me fat, ugly pig daily so much that I inadvertently started a mantra to myself in my head about it …a sing songy one I finally had to fight off in order to leave. He still sent disgusting accusations….he knew I was smiley in public ( because USED TO BE HAPPY AND JOVIAL) because I had secret dalliances with everyone in l.a. including homeless people outside the public toilet in venice beach because I’d smile at HIM, my Ex upon exiting the stall, didn’t even observe others imminently around us…he had , apparently, been assessing them during my brief pee enough to concoct the disillusioned affairs …. I’m still broken hearted because I used to be so smart and …nobody I know (he refused and sabotaged every lifelong friend , family I had….I got them.back, but they still don’t know WHY I LET THIS HAPPEN…..Ah, help. Thanks for your share, helped me a lot. Grateful.
Glad to help Gretchen. He sounded super controlling. Time IS a healer. Get out there and use your freedom now you’ve got it. And learn to enjoy life again!
what should I sue?
Another common phrase is “why do you always turn things around?” When you absolutely haven’t i.e. when the points of the argument are ‘black and white’. I believe this is when you have the narcissist on the ‘back foot’, and they know you’ve caught them out, in an argument, and they simply have to ‘throw it back’ at you, because you have unquestionably pointed out that they are wrong/at fault.
Are Narcissistics always intelligent people, or do they just give that impression that they are?
Some are intelligent, and some aren’t. But many pretend to be more intelligent than they really are.
“where’s your sense of humour?” much akin to ‘i was only joking’.
to which i reply: ‘i have a wonderful sense of humour, it’s just not your sense of humour.’
usually used when you call them out for insensitive comments. it’s as if everyone gets the ‘joke’ but you.