Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions. Because their ego can’t handle being “wrong”. So they develop tactics to shift blame on to others. Often blaming the people they mistreat.
This leaves people in a confused state. Because throughout the relationship they desperately tried to keep things peaceful and harmonious. But despite their best effort, it was any but. So they agonise over why they failed.
This deals them a double blow. They were living a life of misery and abuse. AND they feel responsible for it.
It’s important to recognise the truth, as this sets you free to heal and move on. Here’s how narcissists make it seem like you are the problem in the relationship…
Please Watch The Following Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Reactive Abuse
Reactive abuse is where the narcissist repeatedly pokes someone, usually over something they know they’re sensitive about. And when that person finally snaps, they hold their hands up as if their reaction came from nowhere.
The narcissist focusses on your reaction, and brushes their provocations aside. And talks about your reaction, as if it was an unprovoked abusive attack. And because you’ve been pushed into a hyper emotional state, it’s easy to forget how this “argument” started. So you feel at least partly to blame.
Narcissists sometimes use reactive abuse in company. As they find ways to insult you, without others noticing.
For example, they may have been goading you for weeks about your weight. Then crack a “joke” about it in front of others.
If you snap, the narcissist feigns surprise that you reacted to “one innocent joke”. Neglecting to mention the other 9746 times they insulted you. Creating the impression to onlookers that you’re unstable, and can’t take a joke.
Report “Concern” To Others
Narcissists sometimes create the impression that you’re the problem by confiding in people. Claiming they’re worried about your behaviour.
Since the narcissist presents this as trying to help, it’s easy to suck people in. Especially if they’ve also been using reactive abuse in front of them.
Sadly, when the seeds are sown, people see things that aren’t there. And they may interpret some behaviours as signs of instability. Even though they’re perfectly rational.
Projection
Narcissists are notorious for projecting their faults onto others. Because they have delusions of superiority. And any “fault” challenges these delusions. So they’re keen to pass them onto others.
Projection also acts as a smokescreen for their bad behaviours. Because whilst you’re busy making sense of your “fault”, you miss the narcissists.
A classic example of projection is where the narcissist accuses their spouse of having an affair. When in reality, they’re the one playing away.
This causes their partner to defend themselves. And even get paranoid that their own behaviours look suspicious. Such as hanging out with friends. Or coming home 10 minutes late from work.
This stops their partners noticing the narcissists suspicious behaviours. Because they’re so focussed on their own. And if the narcissist is ever caught out, they may claim they were having an affair in retaliation to yours. Even though you weren’t cheating!
Blame Shifting
Blame shifting is where narcissists deny the blame for something they’ve done. Instead they switch it round to make you feel at fault.
Most narcissists blame shift so much, it becomes an automatic habit. And it varies in it’s sophistication, depending on the narcissist.
A classic example of blame shifting is when you finds messages on the narcissists phone, confirming they’re cheating. Since the narcissist is backed into a corner, they come out swinging.
Their instinct is to blame you for looking at their phone. And turn it into an argument about their privacy. Rather than face what they’ve done.
Repetition
Some narcissists make their partners seem like the problem by drumming it into their head. They repeatedly talk about an alleged flaw. And this flaw is usually something that denies the narcissist something they want, such as control.
For example, the narcissist may repeatedly accuse their partner of being a “martyr”, if they complain of poor treatment. Implying they’re either exaggerating or making it up. Or they may repeatedly accuse their partners of “changing for the worse”, if they put up boundaries against the narcissist.
Over months and years, it’s hard not to be taken in. Because repetition can rewire your brain to accept their “truth”. Especially if you don’t spend much time with others, who can give you a fresh perspective.
Pick Conscientious People
It’s no accident that many narcissists surround themselves with conscientious people. Because these people look inward when there’s a problem. And consider their part in it. Whereas more narcissistic people deny all wrongdoings. And look outside themselves for someone to blame.
Conscientious people often consider themselves at least partly responsible. Because no one is perfect. So they find fault with their own behaviours. And consider this at least part of the reason why they’re having problems. Letting the narcissist off the hook.
Final Thoughts
There’s a belief in society that “it takes two to tango”. Which implies that if there’s trouble, both parties are to blame. But this isn’t always the case.
When it comes to narcissists, one person can be totally to blame. Because whilst you’re looking for a peaceful and harmonious relationship, the narcissist is looking to take. At the cost of a healthy loving relationship.
So don’t feel bad if you have been, or still are, in a dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist. Because sadly this is all they’re capable of. And it’s no reflection on you.
Narcissists drag others down, whilst blaming them for the problems. Because they know that this is the only way they can keep from leaving. Because deep down they know, you’re better off without them.
Please CLICK HERE For How Life Improves After You Leave A Narcissist
