One thing I’ve noticed about most narcissists is they LOVE being ill. My Dad used to regularly ask “do I look ill?”, whilst putting on his best sick face.
If we said “yes”, he was pleased. A “no” and he’d be annoyed. I learned to say yes to keep him happy. Unless he’d bugged me, then I’d tell him he looked fine!
When living with a narcissist, you get the feeling they WANT to be ill. They often have illnesses that are difficult to prove, but debilitating. Back ache is a common ailment amongst narcissists. Because they can reoccur whenever they want, and there’s little proof required.
Why would someone want to be ill? Here’s my thoughts on why narcissists like being ill…
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To Feel Special
Narcissist HATE being ordinary. And hate living by the same rules as everybody else. Narcissists believe they’re special, and deserve special treatment. In their mind, illness elevates them to a higher status.
When a narcissist’s ill, they don’t suffer in silence. They let EVERYBODY know! And EVERYTHING revolves around them… even more than usual.
They want the room a certain temperature. They need a special chair. Where’s my big cushion?
And it’s essential they eat special meals that contain herbs only found atop a Tibetan mountain. I’m sure you get the picture!
Narcissists LOVE special treatment. And being ill is probably the easiest way to get it. No hard graft is needed.
For Attention
Most narcissists are bottomless pits in their desire for attention. And will do almost anything to get it.
Being ill gives them their fix of attention. Because it attracts well wishers, and people wanting to help. Especially if their illness is serious. Which is why narcissists are sometimes known to exaggerate, and even make up life threatening illnesses.
An Excuse To Be Narcissistic
I believe narcissists rarely unleash the full extent of their narcissism. They hold some in.
They hold more in depending on who’s around. If they’re with their boss or new flame, they hold most of it in. If they’re around their partner of 30 years, they let most of it out. But I believe they still hold some in.
Most narcissists know not to unleash the full extent of their narcissism. Not all the time anyway. No one would go near them. So they consciously hold some in. And only let out what they feel they can get away with. I’m sure over time this is exhausting.
Some narcissists turn to drink and drugs as an excuse to let out more of their narcissistic selves. They can blame “the drink talking” or the drugs. And most people believe it.
I think some narcissists use illness as an excuse to be more narcissistic. They can be snappy, irritable, demanding, and rude. And people put it down to being ill. It’s a free pass for the narcissist to let off some narcissistic steam. They know they won’t get judged too harshly because they’re feeling unwell.
To Cause Disruptions
I’ve noticed that narcissists LOVE to deliberately cause disruptions when they’re ill. I remember one trying to stop me and her husband going to the gym because she had a cold.
I’d already got a taxi to their house. She could have said something before I set off. But instead she waited until I arrived to decide we shouldn’t go. Not that us missing the gym would have cured her!
In the mental health field, people with NPD are notorious for getting ill or feeling “suicidal” on Friday around 4.30PM. They know staff are about to head home for their much needed weekend break.
I think it’s probably linked to feeling special. “I’m ill, and I’m going to make as much noise as possible. And inconvenience as many people as I can, as much as I can.” It’s also about control.
For Control And Manipulation
Narcissists use illness for control and manipulation. It’s an extra tool in their toolbox.
Narcissists can guilt trip you into visiting them. Or doing them special favours. They know it’s difficult to say no to someone who’s sick.
Narcissists ask for help with things they can clearly do. “Can you pass me that?”, pointing to something right next to them. Or walk past something and sit down. Then ask for it to be passed to them. I’ve even seen them deliberately drop things and ask for them to be picked up.
Narcissists like the feelings of power from getting someone to do something. Even if it’s something they don’t particularly want or need. They MADE someone do something. And they like that.
To Avoid Responsibility
Narcissists HATE responsibility. Most try their best to avoid it as much as possible.
Being ill is a free pass. It gets them off the hook with their responsibilities. And it’s difficult to argue with them.
Your gut tells you they’re happy they can’t help when they’re ill. And they rarely suck it up and try and do as much as they can. They usually just completely give up.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are pretty much addicted to feeling special. And they have a need to control and manipulate those around them. Narcissists love nothing more than being waited on, hand and foot.
Being ill provides ALL these benefits. And with minimal effort.
If anyone objects, they can kick up a fuss. And narcissists LOVE drama. Especially when they’re in the “right”. They can shame you by telling everyone how mean you are in their moment of need.
With all these benefits, it’s no wonder narcissists love being ill. But don’t you dare try and turn the tables. Narcissists won’ t give you the same consideration when you’re in need.
Narcissists HATE it when others are ill. And often act like you’re faking it. Or being soft. They certainly don’t want to be giving you special treatment. That’s their domain!
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“They HATE it when others are ill. That’s THEIR domain!”
Then they must be deliberately ignoring the fact that having to live with them makes other people more prone to stress-related illnesses. Perhaps they think that we should feel privileged to wait on them hand and foot. And if they still expected and demanded such treatment even when they have a contagious illness, there would be no gratitude for the sacrifice made by whoever is looking after them. So, to any narcs in my acquaintance, if you contract the Coronovirus I’m not going anywhere near you!
They often have one rule for others, and a different set of rules for themselves Trisha!
I can see why they need so much supply; they need to have lots of other sources in case of emergency. As soon as their current supply’s health breaks down from all the stress, rendering them useless to the narc, or simply drop dead of exhaustion, then it’s imperative that they have a replacement ready and waiting!
They can NEVER have too much attention, or too many backup plans Trisha. It’s quite sad, but many narcissists drop their partner if they become long term ill.
EXACTLY!!! My husband’s ex/stepkids’ birther is this…a million times! She even started a blog about living with “Celiac’s”, which she doesn’t! And every single thing in her life revolves around her “Celiac’s.”
Only…she forgets that about two years before she started this lie she was telling everyone she was “gluten intolerant,” waaaay different from the autoimmune disease that is celiac. It’s so bizarre to me. But I now realize it’s part of NPD
Yes Melissa, there’s lots of positives someone with NPD can draw from illnesses. I’ve also noticed MANY inconsistencies with narcissist’s illnesses. Which is why I’m quite cynical in this area. I worked with several who I’ve had to take to A&E numerous times. And almost every time they’ve said there’s nothing wrong with them!
When my ex NPD had carpel tunnel surgery he milked it for 3 weeks moaning and whining and get me this wipe my butt… People would come over and call him a pussy and he didn’t care he just kept it up! He didn’t let me sleep in the bed for 2 weeks, he said knowing you you will roll over on it and I will have to have surgery again! Hahahahaha hahahahaha! But I couldn’t sleep in the other room what if he needed me , so he had me sleep on a cushion on the floor next to the bed. Yep they love all the attention they can get , good or bad it’s all good to them:)
Sounds about right! And I know it’s difficult to stand up to them in these circumstances Jeanette. If you had insisted on sleeping in the same bed, I’ll wager he’d have said you rolled over his bad arm, whether you did or not!
Oh Gosh! What you have described is 99% my ex. I admire your take on this as I have read NUMEROUS articles/comments on this subject but all of these seem to be stories paradoxically about ‘me, me, me..’ Your perspective on this is strangely refreshing and without any anger. Much to be admired.
I am a narc survivor and completely understand the anger and hurt of people talking about their narc-exes, but they are usually a depressing read, so much so that I was considering unsubscribing to this topic, but now I have changed my mind…
Thanks for your kind words Ish. I’m happy you like it! Yes I don’t think there should be hate directed towards them. They are people with mental health problems at the end of the day. Plus hate only hurts the one doing the hating.
This is so classic! My ex was forever getting a bad back or toothache to get out of doing anything and blaming his snappy behavior on feeling ill if I called him out on it! It was particularly obvious on festive occasions like birthdays and Christmas because he wasn’t comfortable being in social situations for any length of time ….I think it was too exhausting to keep up the facade of being “nice “
Another thing about social situations Simone – narcissists often play up so they can be centre of attention!
Interesting
I have a young person nearly 21 Now whose father died at 13 do I offered to raise her as her mum is I’d say is damaged
I watch her and always made excuses for her behaviour due to her Background abd tried everything I could – she’d always make rude statements and jokes that were not funny and hurtful and thrives on darns , she also uses every excuses possible excuse Illness like going to
Hospital ( never anything wrong ) or her fathers death to get out of things and I watched her lie and manipulate people over and over – only caring for herself her looks etc which she also used to dominate others and avoid showing care to anyone unless she was going to get something .
I could go on and on -I now realise through some very extreme experiences she lacks empathy I think totally and is actually cruel and maybe dangerous –
I thought maybe she’s headed to BPD or even a sociopath ( as she’s do cruel and done done very scary things )
But reading this it describes her totally
The bit about funerals esp
She loves funerals ……… and also makes comments all the time about when I die she’ll get everything even asking me if I’m sure my will is up to date
Scary stuff .what do others think ?
She’s definitely showing signs Tara. If you could persuade her to seek medical help, she may be able to make some improvements. Especially as she’s relatively young.