Most narcissists prefer talking to listening. They believe they’re superior. So what they have to say is vitally important. And supersedes anything that ordinary mortals like you have to say.
On top of that, narcissists like to control conversations. Just like they control everything else. And the best way to control a conversation is to do most of the talking.
At the beginning of a friendship or relationship, conversations with a narcissist may be close to 50/50. But after a while, the narcissist establishes their dominance. And gradually they talk more, and listen less. Eventually you barely get a word in edgeways.
How do they do this and get away with it? Here’s several ways narcissists make sure they dominate conversations…
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Talk Without Taking A Breath
Some narcissists develop a conversational style where they talk continuously, barely taking a breath. They know that if they pause, they give you a chance to jump in. And they can’t have that.
Narcissists don’t care about your interests or your attention span. They love the sound of their own voice, and think you do too. So they talk for the sake of it, until blue in the face. And may spend 10 minutes explaining something that can be described in seconds.
After a while you may feel claustrophobic. Like you’re stuck in a small box. And metaphorically you are. Trapped in a stream of hot air and rhetoric, waiting to be released.
Because you’re polite, you don’t want to interrupt or walk away whilst they’re mid sentence. So you wait patiently for your release. Even though your instincts scream at you to run!
Accuse You Of Talking Too Much
Narcissists often establish their conversational dominance by accusing people of talking too much.
The narcissist may have done 80% of the talking. But when you speak, they shoot you down. And accuse YOU of talking too much. How dare you speak!
This gets you questioning yourself. Although you may feel you’re not dominating conversations, it’s difficult to be sure. It’s not like you count the amount of words you both speak. Or record the conversation. (Although that thought may cross your mind!)
So as a conscientious person, you’re more mindful of not dominating the conversation in the future. Even though you weren’t. Making you even less competitive for the conversational floor than you already were. Opening the door for more of the narcissists’ streams of hot air.
Even if you’re sure the narcissist does most of the talking, this may still stifle you. Most of us seek peace and harmony. And if talking is going to cause trouble, most of us naturally avoid it.
Narcissists, on the other hand, love the drama of a fight. So they’re happy to argue over who’s talking the most. Giving them an even bigger advantage.
Talk About Subjects Only They’re Knowledgeable About
Narcissists often talk about subjects only they’re knowledgeable about. They don’t care whether you’re interested. Or if there’s other topics you might want to discuss. Because they want the conversational advantage.
Their superior knowledge allows them to dominate proceedings. Whilst you sit there passively listening.
If you manage to steer the conversation to another topic, the narcissist has no qualms steering it straight back. Either subtly, or by force. There’s little chivalry with narcissists when it comes to giving up control.
Play The Victim
Playing the victim is also a powerful tactic to control conversations. The narcissist talks at length about a “problem” they have. And being the lovely empathetic individual you are, you listen patiently. It’s almost impossible to interrupt or change the topic without seeming rude.
The narcissist may spend an entire evening talking about this problem. And it can drag on for hours. But from the narcissists’ perspective, it’s an effective way of gaining total control of the conversation.
Interrupt
Another tactic narcissists use to dominate conversations is to interrupt. Particularly if you’ve managed to shift the topic away from them or their interests.
A narcissist will happily interrupt you mid sentence to knock you off your stride. Some may do this abruptly. Others may give the appearance of politeness – “Sorry to interrupt, but…” However if they were genuinely sorry, they wouldn’t keep doing it!
It’s difficult to get into a flow when you’re constantly being interrupted. And most of us give up after a while. Handing the spotlight back to the narcissist.
Body Language
Narcissists may dissuade you from talking by using poor body language. They may yawn, look away, or fiddle with their phones whilst you talk.
This is of course very off putting. And makes it difficult to keep the conversation flowing.
They may also appear to zone out whilst you’re speaking. And respond with a general “hmm” or “yes”, before completely changing the subject. Showing they weren’t interested.
This uses your empathy against you. Because unlike the narcissist, you care about whether your audience wants to hear what you’re saying. So you’re likely to stop when you sense they’re not interested. But the problem is, they’re NEVER interested.
Ignore
Sometimes narcissists flat ignore you. And respond with stone cold silence after you’ve spoken or asked a question.
You may think they haven’t heard you, so you repeat. And… more silence.
Narcissists usually do this in the devaluation stage of a relationship. This is where they aim to put you down and establish their superiority. Ignoring you is an indirect way of telling you that you’re not important enough to warrant a response.
And of course, being ignored denies you the chance to effectively speak. There’s only so much talking you can do without a response (unless you’re a narcissist of course!).
We depend on responses, questions, and nods to keep conversations flowing. But with a narcissist, you might as well talk to a brick wall.
Put Downs
Narcissists may ridicule or put things down you say. Hoping to erode your confidence so you talk less.
The put downs may include sarcastic comments such as, “Oh that sounds exciting!”. Or nit pick and criticise what you’re saying.
These put downs are often dressed as “jokes”. And if you pull them up, they’re likely to tell you that you’re being too sensitive. Or demand you “lighten up”.
This twists the fault onto you. They put you down, then blame YOU for being offended. Like it’s your fault. This allows them to continue ridiculing and shutting you down, because they haven’t accepted blame.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists dominate conversations because they have delusions of superiority, and are control freaks. They’re not interested in free flowing discussions. They want you to shut up, and listen to their pearls of wisdom.
Most narcissists happily prattle on for hours about subjects which interest them. And the subject is often them. And if it’s not, it usually closely related. Such as their job, their problems, or their hobbies.
Narcissists are essentially addicted to themselves. And firmly believe the world revolves around them. And they expect you to feel the same.
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Yet another of your articles which makes me wonder just how many narcissists there are out there! I’ve known many people (too many!) who talk so long that it appears that they have incredible lung capacity, because they don’t need to stop for breath. Usually at a time when their captive audience has other things to do.
Usually, my response (or lack thereof) is to stoically wait until the monologue is over but it seems as if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t; if I dare say a single word, they’ll keep talking over me but when they my eyes glaze over, they get offended that I haven’t been hanging on their every word with bated breath. Then comes the “name and blame game”.
It’s worse when the talking person is your superior at work, they like to talk about their home life at length, then complain when the work isn’t done on time. But I got named and blamed for staying focused on work, eyes on the computer screen and letting my other colleague take on the role of the sympathetic listener while that loud voice blared on and on.
In my first job, the managing director could literally monologue for an hour. He didn’t complain about work not getting done, but I’d have preferred get on with my work!
Absolutely! I preferred to get on with my work since I wasn’t being paid to be a sympathetic listener. But the colleague who sat next to me was an older lady with a nurturing, motherly aura about her which made her a favorite target. Thus, I couldn’t help but hear “blah-blah-blah” while trying to focus.