Narcissists don’t approach conflict for understanding, but as a battleground for control, dominance, and self-protection. So they develop tactics to help them to “win” arguments. Even when they know they’re wrong.
That’s why arguments with narcissists feel confusing, exhausting, and strangely circular. You walk away doubting your memory, tone, and even your sanity. Even though deep down you probably know you’re right.
Understanding narcissists arguing tactics helps you navigate through their minefield of mind games and manipulations. Which helps you see what they’re really up to. Plus it gives you more chance to nullify their tactics by calling them out, or by modifying your approach. As the saying goes, “knowledge is power!”
Here’s some of the most common narcissist arguing tactics…
Please Watch This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Deflection And Whataboutism
When confronted during an argument, narcissists often aggressively change the subject. Then counter attack.
For example, you might complain that they haven’t paid you back money they owe you. So they counter by complaining that you broke their favourite cup 2 years ago. Even though this has nothing to do with your complaint!
Narcissists may also counter complain about the tone you’re using. Claiming you’re being hostile. A favourite seems to be to accuse you of being angry. So look out for this one!
They hope to avoid accountability by shifting the focus back to you. So the argument becomes about your behaviour, not theirs.
Focus On Your Words, Not Your Meaning
Narcissists like to focus on the meaning of words and labels, rather than their substance. Because this lets them avoid reality.
For instance, you call them out for repeatedly hassling you for favours. But rather than discuss this, they protest that they didn’t hassle you, because they only ask once a day. Then argue that this isn’t enough to be classed as hassling.
They hope to draw you into a lengthy discussion on the definition of “hassling”, rather than talk about their behaviour. Which is deflecting from your concerns.
Pretend Not To Understand
Narcissists may pretend not to understand what you’re saying. Even though it’s not complicated, and a 5 year old could understand it!
The narcissist may go off on a tangent, answering subtly different questions to what you asked. Or repeatedly question words or phrases you use.
After a while this act wears you down. Because you can’t through to them. So many people give up, which lets the narcissist off the hook.
Claim You’re Not Letting Them Talk
Even though the narcissist does 80% of the talking, they may keep claiming that you’re not letting them talk.
So you pause to give them space. But they repeatedly talk about how you’re not letting them talk. So you say you’re letting them now, then pause. But instead of answering the question, the narcissist keeps repeating their claim that you’re not letting them talk!
Word Salad To Confuse And Control
Word salad is essentially talking nonsense. It involves overwhelming you with…
- Long monologues
- Circular logic
- Contradictions
- Irrelevant details
Narcissists hope their word salad confuses and fatigues you. So you either give up your argument. Or forget your original point.
You often hear politicians use word salad when asked challenging questions. They give lengthy answers that have little to do with the question asked. Look out for it when you next watch a political interview!
Move The Goal Posts
Narcissists may repeatedly move the goal posts if they feel they’re not winning the argument. So when you prove them wrong, they keep shifting to a new bone of contention.
So you may ask where they were last night, and they say at their parents house. But you tell them that they couldn’t have been because you spoke to them.
So the narcissist argues that you didn’t speak to them. So you show them the evidence on your phone. This forces the narcissist to pivot.
They may say their parents were joking. So you say “OK we’ll phone them now and ask”.
Confronted with this they accusing you of being controlling. And that it doesn’t matter where they were anyway. This of course begs the question, if it doesn’t matter, then why lie?!
Ridicule
Some narcissists resort to ridicule during an argument, to throw you off your stride. They may poke fun at the words you use, or even how you say them. Any “flaw” is picked up and magnified.
They may even ridicule you for something unrelated. Such as your appearance. Especially if they know from past experience that this triggers you.
The narcissist aims to embarrass you out of arguing. Plus it punishes you for even trying.
Provoke
If the narcissist feels they’re losing, then they may try to provoke you. If they know a particular topic triggers you, then they’re likely to bring this up. So they may for example ridicule your weight, if they know this gets to you.
If they manage to trigger your anger, then you’re likely to forget your original point. Plus it gives the narcissist ammunition to counter complain about your “anger”, even though they deliberately caused it.
Gaslighting By Rewriting Reality
Gaslighting is one of the narcissists’ most well known and damaging tactics. They may say things like…
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re remembering it wrong.”
Narcissists deny facts, minimise your feelings, and distort past events to make you question your perception of reality. Over time, this can erode your confidence in your own judgement, which makes you easier to control.
Humans naturally look for coherence and truth. So when someone confidently contradicts your experience, especially someone close to you, it’s natural to doubt yourself.
DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
DARVO is a classic narcissist defence pattern. Here’s how it works…
- Deny the behaviour (“I didn’t do that.”)
- Attack you for bringing it up (“You’re always accusing me.”)
- Reverse roles so they become the victim (“I can’t believe how cruel you’re being to me.”)
The narcissist hopes that the original issue gets lost in the ether. So instead of discussing their bad actions, you’re left apologising, or defending yourself.
Triangulation
A narcissist may triangulate by bringing a third party into the argument. Usually one of their enablers.
They know they can easily convince their enabler to take their side. Which gives them back up. Plus it gives the impression that they must be right, since they’re in the majority.
Rage, Intimidation, Or Sudden Escalation
When the more subtle tactics fail, some narcissists escalate. This may include…
- Yelling or explosive anger
- Threats (emotional, relational, or practical)
- Mockery or humiliation
Narcissists instinctively know that fear shuts down your critical thinking. Because you can’t think straight when your body is in fight or flight mode. So they regain control.
Play The Victim
Narcissists often play the victim by framing themselves as misunderstood, attacked, or unfairly treated. Common phrases include…
- “No one appreciates me.”
- “Everyone’s against me.”
- “There’s haters everywhere.”
The narcissist aims to trigger guilt, sympathy, or a rescue response. Then you abandon your argument to comfort them. Which is essentially playing your empathy against you.
The Silent Treatment
Some narcissists fall back on the silent treatment. And this serves two purposes.
The silent treatment creates a hostile environment, which can be almost unbearable. So this punishes you, without them having to do anything.
The silent treatment also lets them to stick to their guns, without having to explain themselves. They know they have weak argument. So the silent treatment lets them prove a point, without having their flawed argument exposed.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists aren’t truth seekers. They want to use and abuse, and get away with it. So they don’t argue in the spirit of fairness, truth, or discovering your concerns. They want to win, so they can keep dominating the relationship.
So they try to move you away from your point. Usually by confusion, distraction, and shining the spotlight back on to you. Which is why it’s often not worth arguing with them.
If you must argue, then it’s best to stay calm. Keep reminding yourself of your original point. The narcissist will move between these tactics, looking for the one that works. So recognise the tactic they’re using, and calmly return to your original point.
Doggedly sticking to your original point is incredibly powerful. Because it nullifies most of their tactics. And better still, it annoys the hell out of them!
Please CLICK HERE For How To Stay Calm When Dealing With Narcissists
