New Year. The magical time when people reflect on their flaws, set humble goals, and vow to be improved versions of themselves.
Narcissists, however, have a different approach. Because when you’re already perfect, self-improvement is really more about everyone else catching up. And embellishing your perfection.
So, in the spirit of personal growth (for others), here’s the top New Year’s resolutions for narcissists…
Be More Empathetic
Empathy is a great skill for gaining friends and followers. So this year I’ll be more mindful of how people must feel in the presence of my greatness. It can’t be easy.
I’ll also be more mindful that people may be too intimidated to ask my genius for help. So I’ll offer more unsolicited help and advice. And make sure I involve myself more in their affairs. Because it’s what people really want, even if they don’t ask for it.
Accept More Praise
Last year, people didn’t compliment me nearly enough. Probably because they thought I wasn’t emotionally ready to accept such a tsunami of praise.
So this year, I’ll work on being more emotionally available to receive admiration. Especially unsolicited admiration.
It’s important to grow, and growth requires validation. Constant, loud validation.
Practice Humility
This year, I’ll be incredibly humble. So humble, I’ll remind everyone of it at every opportunity.
“You know, I don’t like to brag, but…” is a phrase I plan to say at least twice per conversation.
Listen More
This year I vow to be a better listener. I’ll nod thoughtfully, maintain eye contact, and wait patiently for my turn to talk.
Once the ball’s back in my court, I’ll redirect the conversation back to my achievements, struggles, and misunderstood genius. Because that’s what people really want to hear.
Be More Generous With My Time
You know, I don’t like to brag, but people have told me they miss me. I get it.
So this year, I’ll give more people the benefit of my presence. So when I’m at a loose end, I’ll call round when they least expect it. And stay for hours on end. Even if they’re busy, ill, or just not in the mood.
You’re welcome!
Take Constructive Criticism
I’m working on my reaction to criticism. So when someone offers feedback, I’ll no longer immediately spiral into rage, denial, and 3 days of silence.
Instead, I’ll calmly explain why they’re wrong, jealous, and fundamentally broken as human beings. Now that’s progress!
Be More Self Aware
I’ve done a lot of self reflection and discovered something mind blowing. I’m already self aware enough.
So this year, I resolve to continue acknowledging my flaws, while making no effort to address them. Awareness is the hardest part after all.
Apologise More
I’ll apologise more often. But naturally only in ways that preserves my moral superiority. Which is only right and fair.
Examples include…
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- “I’m sorry you misunderstood me.”
- “I’m sorry, but let’s talk about what you did.”
Accountability is an art after all, not a science.
Let Others Shine
This year, I’ll let others have their moment. Birthdays, promotions, engagements, and their trivial achievements.
I’ll be there to subtly remind them how my version of that achievement was better. Just to give them perspective, and more to aim for.
This in no way puts shade on their achievements. Not everyone can be world beaters. But they can shoot for it.
Stay Exactly The Same
Most importantly, I resolve to remain completely unchanged, while insisting I’ve grown tremendously.
People forget that you can’t improve on perfection. Yet there’s an expectation to improve. Especially in the new year.
So I’ll fake improvement for a while, until the world catches up. Then they’ll finally understand me.
Happy new year!
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