I know I’m starting to sound like a stuck record, but narcissists have MANY predictable patterns. And their romantic relationships are no different. They usually follow this predictable pattern. Let’s see if you recognise these behaviours…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understanding…
Love Bombing
At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists often “love bomb” their partners. This is where they give excessive praise and attention.
During this phase, the narcissist is funny, kind, considerate, and all the other things you look for in a partner. They often tell you how great you are. And may claim to be soul mates.
The narcissist contacts you frequently, and spends nearly all their spare time with you.
They share many of your interests. And have similar opinions to you. You begin to wonder, “Have I found my soul mate?”
The narcissist is usually quick to rush to the next stages of a relationship. They might suggest you live together, get married, have children, or all three! If they’re wealthy, they might persuade you to quit your job.
It can be quite a whirlwind. And you may be convinced you’ve finally found “the one”.
Devaluation
Once the narcissist feels you’re “hooked”, the devaluation phase begins.
A narcissist may feel you’re hooked if you’re showing signs of emotional bonding to them. Or you’re dependant on them due to moving in with them, getting married, or having children. See what they were doing in the “love bombing” stage?!
They sink their claws into you, then – the games begin!
Narcissists often start with subtle put downs. If you complain, they claim they were joking. They might even blame you for being too sensitive. This causes you to question yourself, and let some of these snide comments slide.
But really they’re slowly eroding your boundaries. Like the sea relentlessly pounding the rocks. They wear you down into accepting their negativity. And the comments grow nastier and more frequent.
The narcissist stops caring about your “mutual” interests. They used to love hiking around the countryside. But now it’s the last thing on their mind.
They begin to talk more, and listen less. And become more controlling.
You may kick off at your treatment, and either leave, or threaten to leave. Narcissists HATE being single, so they act quick. And return to the “love bombing” phase.
They make excuses for their behaviour – stressed at work, depression, frightened they might lose you etc. And start treating you nice again. For now.
You naturally forgive them, and enjoy being treated like royalty again. But you probably know where this is heading…
Once they feel you’re “hooked” again, they gradually return BACK to the devaluation stage.
Your relationship flits between the love bombing phase and the devaluation phase, over and over again. And the more times this happens, the less time you spend in the love bombing phase, and the more time you spend in the devaluation stage.
This naturally strips you of your self confidence. Depression and anxiety is common. You begin to accept their bad behaviours, and cling to the “good times” . You may feel you don’t deserve any better. And just when they’ve driven you to your lowest point…
Discard Phase
Out of the blue, the narcissist decides they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. And they discard you. Except they won’t say it like this.
They’ll blame YOU for why they’re ending things. You weren’t showing them enough love. You’ve become too “sensitive”. You’ve changed. Etc.
But the real reason is usually they’ve found someone else. Narcissists HATE being single. So they only end things when they’ve someone else lined up. They may or may not be cheating, but they usually have something in the pipeline.
And their excuses usually involve YOU not doing enough for them. This is the clever part. They leave you thinking it was YOU that was the bad partner.
This causes some people to beg them to return. And promise they’ll be better. Others feel guilty ruining the relationship. And the narcissist rubs their hands. They know they can extract MORE from you.
The narcissist runs off with their new supply. But their plan is to keep you on the back burner.
Narcissists never have too many options. Remember, they HATE being single. Should things not work out with their new supply, they know you’re only a call away. And because you feel guilty, you’re likely to take them back.
If they grow bored with their new supply, they may call you. Crying how badly they’re being treated. They flatter you by saying what a mistake they made. How much better you are. Naturally many are taken in. But really they’re just using you for a fling.
Now you’re in some sort of three way relationship. And the narcissist is in the box seat. They play you both off against each other, and sit back basking in the glow of two people fighting for their attention. This is often known as “triangulation”.
Narcissist Hoover
Eventually you might be discarded for good. That’s what it feels like anyway. Weeks, months, even years may pass. But that doesn’t matter.
Narcissists have a habit of showing up out the blue. It may be an “accidental” blank text. A message. A phone call. Or even showing up at your door.
They might tell you how sorry they are for how they treated you. How they’ve changed. Etc.
It’s all lies.
They may dress it up as wanting to right a wrong. Or they’ve missed you. But the fact is they want something from you.
They may have found themselves low on supply. Or they may want a favour, such as a loan. Whatever it is, the narcissist wants something from you. Narcissists don’t contact someone to give them something. It’s not in their nature.
If you fall for their charms, then you’re likely to be suckered. They might love bomb you to get what they want. But you’ll quickly return to the discard and devaluation stage.
Final Thoughts
Over time narcissists get away with treating you worse and worse. But it’s done in a subtle and manipulative way, over months or years. Constantly flitting between the three stages. And triangulating you with others.
And just when you think the coast is clear, they hoover you back for some more.
And because they pass the blame to you, you’re never sure who’s at fault. This keeps you confused and off balance. Not sure what’s going on. Meanwhile they get away with treating you worse and worse.
It’s awful, but this is the common pattern of narcissists in relationships. They’re never happy when things are peaceful and in harmony. They want to create drama and conflict. And they want it ALL to revolve around them.
Does this sound familiar?
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