If you’re close to a narcissist, then you may have noticed their efforts to make you jealous.
And if you haven’t, you may have found yourself feeling jealous. Even though it isn’t your normal way. And you never feel jealous towards anyone else.
This could be because the narcissist is deliberately trying to make you jealous. And it’s certainly common. But why would a narcissist try to make you jealous?
There’s several reasons why narcissists want to make people feel jealous. And it’s likely to be a combination of these things…
Please Check Out This Short Video To Aid Your Understandingā¦
Smokescreen
Some narcissists like to deliberately make their partners feel jealous. And manipulate them into worrying that they might cheat. Then act innocent, and accuse their partners of being jealous and controlling.
Narcissists often do this by flirting subtly in front of their partners. And it can be so subtle, that it’s difficult to call. And you may barely notice consciously. But something feels off.
They may for example stand a little too close when talking to someone. Or gaze into their eyes for a fraction longer than custom dictates. But it’s hard to call them out on these things. Because if you do, YOU sound crazy.
The narcissist knows that if they convince their partners that they have a problem with jealousy, then it creates a handy smokescreen for their own narcissistic behaviours.
The narcissist can throw their alleged jealousy in their face whenever they’re criticised. And can use it to detract from their own suspicious behaviours if they’re up to no good. Because they can turn round your accusations, and blame your ājealousyā. Making you seem like the problem.
To Test You
Narcissists are known to test their partners, and even their friends and family. And sometimes they induce jealousy as a test.
Narcissist harbour delusions of ideal love. And they won’t settle for anything less. Even though they’re not so loving themselves.
So they test their partners by doing things which provoke jealousy. Because if you loved them as much as you should, then you’ll forgive them.
This obviously doesn’t make sense to rational thinking people. Because the narcissist risks ruining their relationship, just to prove they have one worth keeping.
But narcissists are personality disordered, and are never satisfied. So they keep upping the ante with their tests. Until eventually they push their partners away. Or make their lives a living hell. Just to test their love.
To Make You Look Bad
Narcissists sometimes want others to think that their partner is narcissistic. So they provoke them by making them jealous when in company. And hope that they react and cause a scene. This is known as reactive abuse.
They want to make you look crazy and jealous, because it can be used to justify their mistreatment of you in the future. As the narcissist can blame your alleged jealousy for treating you badly. Or use it as āproofā that you’re crazy, should you spill the beans on how they behave.
Feeds Their Ego
Narcissists love people being jealous of them, because it feeds their ego. Jealousy often suggests that they’ve got something you haven’t. Which makes it a highly desired prize.
It may be something personal, such as intelligence or good looks. Or it might be wealth or power. Or even their attention being focussed on someone above you.
When the narcissist knows you’re jealous, they can bask in the glory of having one up over you. And feel superior. Even if it’s over something trivial, like their new designer shoes.
Gives Them Power
Jealousy is a negative and unpleasant emotion. And narcissists often search for ways to make people feel jealous. Because once they know their triggers, they have power. Because they can make them feel bad with a click of their fingers.
Narcissists may use this power to hurt you, just for their pleasure. Or to punish you, if you don’t do as you’re told.
Many narcissists use Pavlovian techniques of punishment and reward to gain compliance. And may use their ability to make you feel jealous as punishment for if you don’t behave as they feel you should.
Triangulation
Narcissists may use jealousy to triangulate you with others. They may for example sing someone else’s praises, to subtly let you know they’re ābetterā than you.
Narcissists may also encourage jealousy to get you competing for their affections. And may show off how much someone else does for them. Hoping you compete for their approval. Which usually means you doing more for them.
To Show Their Superiority
To a narcissist EVERYTHING is a competition. And if they feel superior to you in any way, then they may show off. With the aim of making you feel jealous and inferior.
The narcissist may do this in an obvious bragging way. And childishly point their fingers at you.
Or they may be more subtle, and casually slip into conversation something they have over you. Such as their latest pay rise, or their brand new car.
Projection
Narcissists are jealous people. And they constantly compare themselves to others. And try to be better than everyone around them.
But it’s not possible to beat everyone at everything. And this causes most narcissists a great deal of pain and jealousy. Because someone is always superior in some way.
But narcissist don’t like to be ābeatenā. So they may project their own jealousies onto others. And deliberately make them feel jealous. Then highlight their jealousy, just to hide their own insecurities.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists use jealousy as a tool to hurt and punish their loved ones. And to elevate themselves in their own mind.
Narcissist are constantly looking for ways to dominate relationships. And causing jealousy is one tool in their toolbox to help them achieve this.
If you find yourself worrying when the narcissist isn’t around. Then it might not be a sign that you’re hopelessly devoted to them. Or that you’re insanely jealous. It could be a result of their deliberate attempts to make you jealous. And who’d do that to someone they love?
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I was volunteer caregiver for an elderly relative, she was always telling me how much “other people” were doing for her. It was frustrtaing since I was doing her shopping and taking her to dr. appointments, hair appointments, etc.at my expense. My reposnse, “Oh, thar’s nice.”. The comparison was, I’m sure was to make me “jealous”, well, that blew up in her face, I had enough of her behavior and told her to call all those people who are so willing to do so much for her, I’ll gladly move aside and let “them” step up to the plate. I went NO CONTACT! When I want a good laugh, I wonder who is having to listen to that nonsense, maybe she’s telling “them” all I did for her and expects the same or more.
Yes, unfortunately they’re never satisfied with what you do for them.
I have been blown away by this one, l was married to my childhood sweetheart for all most 28 years we partied friends as well had just grown apart. 5 years later meet him l wasn’t ready for relationship l was having a ball in my new job at a Minning company š it was great just to hang out with all my work mate’s šwhen I first met him l thought he is just so confident in him self and everyone seems to like him, within 3 months we were an item, my girls liked him,so did my brother so all was good for about 5 months than he didn’t want me to see my work mates, as he said they were laughing at me, he said that all his friends would be hard to get along with??? I found them to be very nice and very easy to get along with, than the next thing I was being accused of sleeping with a guy that l didn’t even know!!! And that l was looking on the internet for him on porn sites!!!!to make things worse he somehow showed me that I looked online with his computer it was sent to my emailsš¤® he was always talking about his ex lover’s and how all his mates wife’s fancy him l thought yer l can see that š³ it wasn’t getting him a reaction, l have never been a jealous person l think it’s a wasted emotion l am 9 years older than him so what he did was to make me feel that I looked older and others think l look like his mother, so to finally get the answers to all my doubts is so up lifting
Thanks
They always try to find a chink in your armour. I’m glad your reading has helped Cheryl!
Thanks for your validation jon š¤ its just so good to hear that l am not the person that he made me feel, l am slowly getting back to my happy go lucky very much single life. If l hadn’t been told about this site l would still be taking his abuse.
Thanks for getting my life back š.
So glad I could help Cheryl. And well done for walking away!
Wowā¦ this article has provided me some answers. I have a story..
I started dating this woman who, at first seemed so nice and caringā¦ I was truly thanking God for sending her into my life, but something immedietley did not sit right with meā¦. In social settings, she was this wonderful social butterflyā¦ she seemed to want to talk to any and everyone. What was strange about it was that when she talked people, she would be gazing in to their eyes and touching on themā¦ it just seemed weird. But I brushed it off.
Things got crazy soon thereafterā¦I remember on our 3rd date we went to a bar. We had several drinks and she seemed fine, but she excussed herself to go to the bathroom. I noticed she was gone a long time so I went looking for her and to my surpriseā¦ she was making out with a guy near the restrooms. I was livid to say the least. I was able to escort her out of the bar and to her house , but didnāt talk to her until the next day because she was drunk.
The next day when I talked to her about it, she started crying and saying that she didnāt remember and that she blacked outā¦ the story seemed a bit suspicious but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her.
Fast forward to another outing at a barā¦ she was drinking and I started seeing her go around the bar talking to people and touching on themā¦ like placing her hand on their chest near their heart as she talked to them.. both men and women. I told her that maybe she should slow down and drink water or we should possibly leave because she has had too many drinks and she told meā¦
āDonāt tell me what to do. I donāt like being controlled.ā
I was so confused. I know she was drunk but it was confusing nonetheless. So I was able to get her home and the next day I talked to her about it and she doubled down on not wanting to be told what to doā¦ then made it seem like it was my fault. I was so confused, but she made me really think that it was something wrong I did to her by questioning herā¦
She then asked meā¦āWhy are you so jealous? Letās talk about it.ā
Then she made me think that I was jealous and that I needed to work on myself. I mean, yeah I was jealous, but I also did not trust her because of her making out with a guy previouslyā¦
I did not know this at the time, but this was showing me her lack of empathy and that she didnāt care about my boundaries or other peoples boundaries for that fact because when she talked to some of the people, I could tell that they were a bit uncomfortable with her touching.
We were off and on over an 8 month period. She discarded me 3 times during that time and I always felt that she was seeing someone else, but she would discard me then hoover and suck me back in. I feel so foolish because I was hoping that I could change her and make her be like she was when I first met her. I am now in the no contact phase after she discarded me a few months ago. She texted me but I did not answer so she has stopped for the past few months in trying to contact meā¦ but thanks for reading. I have not told anyone this because I know I would look foolish to friends and family if I told them thisā¦
I am trying to heal now.
Hi John. Yes I’ve been on the receiving end of similar. Where they keep disappearing on a night out, and you keep finding them talking animatedly to various strangers. On the plus side, you didn’t get tied down with marriage or children. And you’ve clearly learnt from your experience. So hopefully this won’t happen to you again. Always trust your gut instincts!