Sometimes a narcissist is all over you like a rash. And you can barely spend a minute without hearing from them. Then suddenly – radio silence.
For no apparent reason the narcissist suddenly ignores you. No calls, no messages, nothing.
This might last a few days, weeks, or months. Or it might be permanent.
Naturally it’s puzzling that you once couldn’t turn round without seeing them. And now they won’t return your calls.
There’s a few reasons why narcissists suddenly ignore you. Here’s some that spring to mind…
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You’re No Longer Useful
Narcissists see their associates as commodities to be used. And if you’re no longer useful, then you might be discarded.
There’s many reasons why you might suddenly not be useful. They might have a new supply that’s easier to exploit. You might have strengthened your boundaries. Or they no longer need whatever it is you were providing.
And the narcissist may not have the decency to let you know. First, because you might be useful again in the future. And second, because there’s nothing to be gained from informing you. So why would they waste their time and energy?
To Punish You
Most narcissists are highly sensitive. And may be offended by things neuro-typicals wouldn’t even notice. So they punish you by withdrawing their attention. Even though you’ve no idea what they’re punishing you for. And you may not even be aware that they’re punishing you.
The punishment could be for something as simple as you complimenting another person. And they took that as an insult. Or you spent time with someone else, and didn’t invite them. Yes, it can be that trivial.
In this case, the narcissist often re-establishes contact when they decide to forgive. Usually when they need something. And you’re expected to drop everything and return back to normal.
If you accept this, the narcissist is likely to keep repeating this pattern. And ignore you when you’ve not behaved as they like. And put you in their narcissist jail, until they decide you’ve served your punishment.
Narcissists are more likely to use this tactic if they sense you’ve got abandonment issues. Because they know that ignoring you will be particularly hurtful.
They Can’t Control You
Narcissists like to maintain control over everyone at all times. And if they feel they no longer have control over you, then they might suddenly ignore you.
This control can be subtle. Because even narcissists understand that they can’t control everything.
So it might be that they message you and you don’t immediately respond. Or they play the victim, and you don’t come running to their aid.
The narcissist may initially try to re-establish their control. But if they fail, then they might take control (in their mind) by ignoring you. Which prevents their fragile ego from taking a hammering.
The narcissist sees ignoring you as them having control. Because they chose to avoid you. And in their mind this gives them the “win”.
They’re Jealous Of You
Narcissists like to be top dog. And if you have success, especially in an area they want to excel in, then expect jealousy.
You may have met the partner of your dreams. Or bagged a promotion at work. Or your business has taken off.
Instead of being happy for you, they’re jealous of what you have. And sometimes they’re so jealous, they can’t face you. So they ignore you.
Of course they don’t admit to themselves that they’re avoiding you out of jealousy. They come up with other reasons to blame you. Even if they don’t quite make sense.
So if you win the lottery, and the narcissist avoids you because you were born on a Thursday, then they’re probably jealous.
To Put You In Your Place
Narcissists sometimes ignore people to let them know how unimportant they are. It’s a subtle way of devaluing you, and letting you know you’re beneath them.
You probably wouldn’t ignore someone important. And neither would the narcissist. So ignoring you is telling you that you’re not important. They may claim that they were busy. But were they really too busy to send a quick message?
Narcissists commonly use this tactic with their romantic partners. Particularly during the devaluation phase. They may previously call and message almost constantly, getting you used to copious amounts of attention. Then suddenly go quiet. And this stark contrast can be unsettling.
New Supply
As I’ve already mentioned, narcissists see people as commodities to be used. And if they find a new supply, then you might be dumped. This applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships.
Narcissists don’t do loyalty. Their relationships are based on how they facilitate their own needs. So if they find what they believe is a better option, then you might get axed.
Narcissists love winning over new people. So they may drop you for someone they barely know. But if that person susses the narcissist and rejects them, then they’ll come running back with their tail between their legs. Although they’ll never admit this.
Final Thoughts
These are just a few reasons why narcissists might suddenly ignore you. And the thing to remember is that narcissists have little if any emotional empathy. So they don’t feel for you. Which means they don’t feel bad for suddenly ignoring you. And don’t consider the hurt it might cause you.
They also don’t care for all you’ve done for them. Not from a loyalty perspective. They might care that you’re useful, but they don’t feel they owe you anything.
It’s not necessarily malicious. The narcissist just doesn’t think about your feelings. They’re too focussed on their own. So they don’t feel bad for discarding you in such a callous way. And they don’t feel hypercritical demanding you back in their life, should their needs ever change.
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My Husband does that the longest he has ignored me before was for one year. He always runs to Mommy for Advice which drives me crazy . The only reason I stay is bc I’m on Disability. We do not have a Relationship even though we been married for 24 years. He has cheated on me the entire time. It’s very hard to tolerate him. He is a terrible person.
I feel for you Marina. A year is a long time, even for a narcissist!
Alas, any narcissist worth their salt would soon gauge that ignoring me wouldn’t work, because when I was a teenager I realized that when my mother got in a huff with me, the silence was a blessing so, in effect, I’m a veteran of the silent treatment and not seeing them or hearing from them would be a relief. So, of course, they’d have to take a different tack with me such as make a loud, embarrassing scene, stir up a big drama, demand attention constantly, invade my personal space or all of the above.
It’s much easier on the narc to control someone when they’re in a close relationship with them, such as a spouse, their child, or a close friend. Then, I can imagine, they skip the love-bombing (because that wouldn’t work anyway) and go straight to devaluing. But they won’t be kind enough to just disappear.